I always thought a bad marriage meant...

I said I would only get married once. This was of course when I was 20 and knew everything.... I always thought a bad marriage meant cheating, lying, or abuse. My marriage had none of those things. And yet...I feel my marriage is bad. I consider myself strong person, and always felt if you put in enough effort you can fix any problem. Marriage doesn't work that way. I've found that one person, no matter how hard they try cannot compensate for 2. I've voiced my needs a million times over the last 19 years in a million different ways. My husband does not get it...nor do I believe he ever will. It amazes me that I can live in a house with my husband and 2 children and feel utterly alone. I guess that's what happens when you live with someone for 19 years but could never depend on them? For anything. Financially, emotionally? Sexually? 19 years I've felt like I have had no one in my corner. Even though I'm always there for him. In fact...he relies on me to make him happy. If he's not happy...then he starts to hint and manipulate me, I guess so I can read his mind and make decisions about his life to fulfill him? I'm sorry...I'm venting. I just never thought I would be here...planning the end of my marriage.

I am sorry to hear this. I have never been married but I have been in relationships where I have felt utterly alone. If it is time to move on do it before time catches up with you. No use being unhappy forever.

Not getting your needs met, being constantly disappointed, yes these things make a bad marriage. I'm in a similar situation as you. My husband provides financially, though, and pretended to want to please me (which drove me to stress overload).

When you have a final straw moment, you'll get out. But, if you can try to communicate and get help, you may be able to make the relationship better.

I made my needs very clear and said I would end the marriage unless we could fix our problem, but we just couldn't. He thinks he tried somewhat-- too little too late.

Maybe marriage counseling for you both?

Thank you for your reply. I believe my last straw happened sometime ago. My husband sounds like your, he thinks he tried....for a day or two...
In my heart I'm truly done, I think marriage counselling would just mean me working harder to fix the marriage. Hope ur doing ok :-) Take care.

Ouch!:
"me working harder to fix the marriage"
I came to pretty much the same conclusion, that my wife and I would succeed in marriage or religious counseling only if I said "yes, so sorry, we'll go back to doing everything your way"--but she wont even entertain the idea that she might have to sit in front of someone and justify her attitudes or behavior or her parenting.
A partnership is where two people not only work together but decide on a course together and then steer together.

The T we saw a few years ago said "This (dysfunctional way) will never end" and the T we saw this year said "Oh boy, we have a lot of work to do and I can't say if there is any hope here at all".

I've lived through Hell. I know I played my part in it. It takes two to tango.

I got out to save us both. I did us both a favor by ending it. Enough is enough. Yet according to my H it is never enough. He would stay forever. It's not that bad for him, obviously. Meanwhile, I am hysterically crying, having severe anxiety and depressive episodes, and over dosing to cope with the pain and despair.

That was when in the marriage.

In the past weeks I am alone, I am not crying at all!

Vent all you need to. I believe it's an important part of the grieving process. I had some parts abuse, yet, there was also a lack of feeling connected, there was much more than just sticking that label on it. Not even close to being on the same page, probably just different books, altogether. My heart broke many times over. I was in my mid 20's when I met him. He was in his mid 30's. I believed in the notion of talking things over, not letting the sunset on anger, being friends was important. And I mean yes, those things do matter. Yet, I believe there was a ton of yes dears to me, whatever you say. However, that does not an authentic relationship make.

Sending you moral support as you go through this.

Sounds like many of us have been there & gone through that. I spent 33 years in a bad marriage that was bad from the beginning (even before the beginning remembering back to the red flags & had forgotten about until when I finally walked out).

Been through that..."but I did make changes" They were so small that I sure NEVER saw them. The final words that I keep hearing over & over was "I thought you would just tolerate me for the rest of our lives since you tolerated me this long"

There is only so much toleration that can happen & I didn't realize that all my suicide attempts were not a cry for help but my attempt to get out of where I felt so trapped. Was choosing death to living like that, but no one knew it at the time, not even me....it was blamed on the loss of my career & not the bad marriage because he was a NICE person......but the rest of the financial irresponsibility & lack of emotional connection & ability to communicate. Looking back the only reason that it lasted as long as it did was because I threw myself into my degree & then into my computer engineering career & when it ended I had no where to hide any longer.

Wow was that an enlightening thing to realize that I didn't even understand until several years after I finally did leave. It's been an awesome 9 years since I left. Wouldn't trade it for anything. Best thing I ever did in my life & only thing I have truly done to take care of ME.

I am so sorry to hear about this occurrence in your life. I have never been married, but I have experienced many things in relationships. I admire your courage and strength. It takes a strong person to carry on for so long and continue to hope for change. Thank you for sharing, and try to stay positive.