[actusreus]

By split, I mean kill myself. I have two younger brothers who did, so I'm aware I'm pre-conditioned. I just don't see a way out.

Divorced 5 years ago from the mother of our 4 kids. She cheated horribly, with many men, over four years. Never saw it coming. Thought we were happy. On again off again with her ever since, even while she's been remarried. Can't get past the horror of the things she did, but also can't seem to find anyone else even close to as attractive, funny, smart, etc. No shortage of women along the way, many of whom are probably great, but none of whom I have even the slightest interest in being with long term. Probably dated a hundred women in 5 years. Leads me to strongly believe it's not them, it's me.

Lately I just see things as so bleak. I'm 42 now, and the odds of me finding someone, miraculously, that I like more than her, seems, logically, to be declining. I don't interact with her now, but if i'm honest, I know I'd try to go back to her if she came calling, until I freaked out thinking about stuff and screwed it up. I have 50/50 time with my kids, and honestly, what I think every single morning is that it's only 11 more years until my youngest is 18. I'll feel less horrible about eating a bullet when they're all grown. I'm a successful attorney, have a family who loves me, am tall, handsome, and am very aware of how many people have it much worse. That doesn't change the fact that each day without my kids is spent alone, all day, and every moment is spent wishing I didn't have to keep breathing.

Good lord that sounds dramatic. I know. But it's true. Any advice is appreciated.

[healingme4me]

Have you tried a hotline or does your pdoc know about your ideation?

Going back is not a good idea. It seems you have what it takes to start over. You just need to accept and process what has happened. At 42 you can start a new life. Don't give up. If you have a clear suicidal ideation, you need to contact someone about it.

[MrMoose]

If you have a gun in the house do yourself and your kids a giant huge favor and get rid of it. If the tall handsome attorney part is working for you, great! The relationship stuff not working so good so maybe that needs some difficult work on your part? It sounds a little like you have started exploring that, so keep going.

[Whisper888]

After reading ur post...I wondered...what makes you happy? Do u have anything in your life that makes you truly happy? Passions, friends?? Maybe you need to spend some time focusing on yourself, fill your life with things that truly fulfill you. Perhaps some counselling to see what you are looking for in a relationship and help overcome ur Marriage. Perhaps a trip to your family physician will help. Depression can be sneaky...I know from personal experience, sometimes you can sink very deeply before you realize what is happening. It's very hard to care about others when you are not well. Take some time to figure this out. I think you need to be the priority in your life right now. And please get help if you need it. Your loved ones will thank you for it. Take care.

[Curry]

I hear you actusreus. I have been divorced 5 months. My ex brings his girlfriend, who was his mistress I only suspected existed for the last 6 years, around to collect his boat. The point is I am always going to want him and always love him even though my nightmare is sitting right in his truck in the driveway. I even have a lovely boyfriend. I made a promise with my honor my dreams my very being, to be with my husband for the rest of my life. The promise is still there even though he cheated and left me. I am living side by side with what I wanted and adding things like lovely times with someone I am falling in love with. Surprisingly my heart is big enough to love lots of people. Quite often my ex will rant and get really bitter about something and that helps a little for me to be glad he is gone, but mostly I just add to love in my life. I send you a long hug and a kiss on your forehead to say sorry you have had such a painful time.

[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by actusreus

By split, I mean kill myself. I have two younger brothers who did, so I'm aware I'm pre-conditioned. I just don't see a way out.

Divorced 5 years ago from the mother of our 4 kids. She cheated horribly, with many men, over four years. Never saw it coming. Thought we were happy. On again off again with her ever since, even while she's been remarried. Can't get past the horror of the things she did, but also can't seem to find anyone else even close to as attractive, funny, smart, etc. No shortage of women along the way, many of whom are probably great, but none of whom I have even the slightest interest in being with long term. Probably dated a hundred women in 5 years. Leads me to strongly believe it's not them, it's me.

Lately I just see things as so bleak. I'm 42 now, and the odds of me finding someone, miraculously, that I like more than her, seems, logically, to be declining. I don't interact with her now, but if i'm honest, I know I'd try to go back to her if she came calling, until I freaked out thinking about stuff and screwed it up. I have 50/50 time with my kids, and honestly, what I think every single morning is that it's only 11 more years until my youngest is 18. I'll feel less horrible about eating a bullet when they're all grown. I'm a successful attorney, have a family who loves me, am tall, handsome, and am very aware of how many people have it much worse. That doesn't change the fact that each day without my kids is spent alone, all day, and every moment is spent wishing I didn't have to keep breathing.

Good lord that sounds dramatic. I know. But it's true. Any advice is appreciated.

I'm SO SORRY about your younger brothers! It always hurts me to hear that anyone has gone to that extreme to escape whatever they were going through! And you say that preconditioned you right? Well hon, think about that. If you followed suit, what about your four children? Do you think that one day they might feel preconditioned too? Would you want them to even consider that as an option? Believe me I KNOW how hard it is to hold on! Especially when your only reasons are your children and you don't even feel like you're living for yourself anymore. But you sound like someone who truly loves your family and I really don't think you'd want to set that example for them. I hope you find the strength to hold on!
As far as women go, I'm sure there's another one out there for you. But you'll have to give one a chance. If you've dated 100 in five years, then it seems to me that perhaps you didn't take enough time to really get to know any of them. True love takes time to flourish.�� You can't find a lasting love in a "speed-dating" type of fashion. I hope you won't give up on that either! No one could ever be THAT one who you lost, but that doesn't mean that you can't find something even better. Change can be a good thing. You could end up finding something you didn't even know you were looking for that could make you happier than you ever imagined. Best of luck to you!

[Grandessa]

Originally Posted by actusreus

By split, I mean kill myself. I have two younger brothers who did, so I'm aware I'm pre-conditioned. I just don't see a way out.

Divorced 5 years ago from the mother of our 4 kids. She cheated horribly, with many men, over four years. Never saw it coming. Thought we were happy. On again off again with her ever since, even while she's been remarried. Can't get past the horror of the things she did, but also can't seem to find anyone else even close to as attractive, funny, smart, etc. No shortage of women along the way, many of whom are probably great, but none of whom I have even the slightest interest in being with long term. Probably dated a hundred women in 5 years. Leads me to strongly believe it's not them, it's me.

Lately I just see things as so bleak. I'm 42 now, and the odds of me finding someone, miraculously, that I like more than her, seems, logically, to be declining. I don't interact with her now, but if i'm honest, I know I'd try to go back to her if she came calling, until I freaked out thinking about stuff and screwed it up. I have 50/50 time with my kids, and honestly, what I think every single morning is that it's only 11 more years until my youngest is 18. I'll feel less horrible about eating a bullet when they're all grown. I'm a successful attorney, have a family who loves me, am tall, handsome, and am very aware of how many people have it much worse. That doesn't change the fact that each day without my kids is spent alone, all day, and every moment is spent wishing I didn't have to keep breathing.

Good lord that sounds dramatic. I know. But it's true. Any advice is appreciated.

I had brief fleeting moments of wanting to end my life when my husband of 41 years left me 4 months ago. The pain felt nearly unbearable and I couldn't stay in my own skin. But once, years ago, when I had a similar depression, a therapist told me to get something I've always wanted. I bought a horse. Have owned horses for 22 years now, and it is a source of unending joy. So, for you, I can say (only from my own experience) 1) find and get something you absolutely love; and 2) develop those skills that require that you reach out and tell someone about your desperation. AND, in my case, getting the best care and medicine I could at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, NY was a lifesaver. Godspeed.

[Rose76]

It sounds to me like you suffer from chronic depression that would be afflicting you regardless of whether your ex-wife were a wonderful, loyal woman still married to you.

Notice how you said that you realize others have worse lives? The depth of a person's clinical depression tends to not correlate with the current hardships in their life. When you're depressed 5 years after your divorce, you're not depressed because you got divorced. You're just depressed.

The grief of losing something can be intense, but healthy humans recover from grief. You are chronically depressed. The reasons for that probably have roots in conditions of your life from before you even met your wife.

You are focused on the divorce as the cause of all your unhappiness. It's not. You are profoundly unhappy and you need to start examining why. Focusing on the loss of your marriage is keeping you from what you really need to think about.

You lost a wife who was no great catch. Something else is wrong. I don't know what that is, but deep down in your soul, you do have at least a clue. You meet and date women, but you don't find a meaningful connection with any of them. It's not because none of them are as wonderfully fascinating as your ex-wife. She wasn't all that!

You had a set idea as to how life was supposed to go. Then it went off the rails. You expected to wake up every day with your kids in the same house as you. Getting through law school isn't easy. You paid a lot of dues to earn a decent life. It was supposed to go a certain way, and it didn't. So now you feel so betrayed that life has cheated you. So you want to revolt against life by refusing to live. After all - why should you when life is so unfair.

It sounds like your marriage failed because you married a woman who, basically, was not wife material. You made a bad selection. You were young and dumb. So, now, you're older and wiser. It's too bad that some of life's most important lessons have to be learned so painfully. But that's how the cookie crumbles, sometimes. Things don't always go the way they were "supposed" to. The smart thing is to accept that reality. Say to yourself, "Okay, the way I had things figured out was wrong, so I'll reconfigure my thinking. I'll chose to adapt to reality."

Stop judging women you haven't even met. Bad people often do have a special kind of charisma that makes them seem like the most desirable. You fell for that, and you got burned. So open your heart to people who aren't so breathtakingly charismatic. These are the very people who often build very rich and satisfying lives.

[Crazylion]

suicide is the most cruel and selfish act any person could ever do. you're chidren will be affected in a way you could never imagine and there are other people in the world that love and or care about you that would also be affected. your death by your own hand would ruin your chidren, no matter how how they were, for the worst.

it coud and most likely would emotionally destroy them.

when i feel like i want to end it all, i just think about what it would do to my spouse - number three who i want to divorce every day and he drives me crazy, but it's been 23 years and he wont go away -- my best friend, Nancie of 33 years and her grown kids who are my godchidren, their father, Nancie's boyfriend -- my other best friend Val and her two daughters -- my three sisters who are cruel to me and i've estranged from them and alone with out my parent who died recently, who especially the little sister would literally die from broken hearts -- and many others who i barely see and think aren't good people, who do, will be hurt.

you matter, like all the other people have said and Rose hit it on the head when she said your ex wasn't wife material. i think you need to find a therapistthat specializes in codependency. it will really help you. you are worth everything and yu should find out out special and deserving yu are of many things. yu will meet another woman. as soon as you get your head straight.

stay strong....courage!!!