[leomama]

So I'm sitting in Starbucks today and I see this perfect couple come in with their little girl and I just feel so sad. They're dressed to the nines, their little girl is all dolled up, and I feel sad as hell.

I divorced my husband when my daughter was 4.5 years old. I was sick of the charade. It was me who suggested we get married, get rings. All he wanted to do is have a child and he keeps trying to get back together even though it's been 11 years.

He's diagnosed bipolar, as well has sociopathic traits , and is a substance abuser/alcoholic . I was the leader yet he wanted to display he dominated me, which was false. It was misery. Im not willing to put my wedding ring back on to get back that false sense of security. I'd rather go back to being alone then live a lie.

It is so painful.

I was unhappy in that marriage.

I'm lonely now.

When I'm not with my daughter there's no way someone would think I was divorced with a 16 year old, I look way too young for that.

I don't have the energy to pretend anymore.

I have way too life experience for someone my age.

But.

I have my life.

Possible trigger:

an online associate of mine was murdered by her husband, a vet with PTSD , this weekend. My ex has a record of domestic violence, and untreated bipolar.

That wasn't out of the realm of possibilities for me had I stayed in that marriage. I've called the police on my ex numerous times since my divorce and come this close to filing a restraining order.

Part 3 to come later.

[gayleggg]

I'm sorry your divorce has been so hard on you, but I think you know you made the right decision.

[leomama]

Thank you. My ex tried to get back together this week when I made an error in judgment. It is so exhausting to have keep such a strong boundary for so many years. He has narcissistic traits and all the stereotypical behavior that goes along with it: hovering , for example.

I was so certain I was doing the right thing when I asked him to leave our apt. Now that I've had my own for many years he never gives up on trying to get back in. He still hasn't stabilized after all these years and I feel partially responsible but I'm not. He refuses to treat his bipolar. I told him that this last time, that I will not live with him again.

I hate having to set limits with him like he's a child. It is so frustrating. Instead of helping me with the problems of raising a teen I have to keep them from him.

All I can say is I am thankful I can see a therapist 3x a month.

[campervanman]

I am so sorry you have found yourself in that predicament `BUT HEY` you can meet your friend! As I am too divorced back in 2008. I took my ex for granted with going out with my friends`, that didn't involve her and 3 beautiful grown-up girls`. (Who I love so dearly)

You sound like a decent and caring person, that will one day meet your MR. Right! (I AM SURE OF IT) Have that faith and you will be rewarded one day!

[leomama]

Thank you.

I read about partners of people and my ex could never do that for me. I had to tell him he wasn't good for me, I relapsed after our wedding because he started bringing drugs home. He's anti prescription medication and there's no way I could've gotten help while married to him and now that I've gotten help there's no way I'll give that up for him.

I've been in the meantime, waiting for God to prepare that perfect man for me for a long time. The ironic thing is my ex sister in law introduced me to that concept.

I help people and it's funny because I find it really challenging to validate other people when I've been so invalidated my whole life. I guess that's why I'm doing it.

[campervanman]

In a way I know what your saying! `I mean` I now try to help the less well off than me or try and protect the vulnerable people from others`! I think I get this from being so selfish all those years` ago too the loved ones` that really matter too you!!
This is one small part of my illness (deep guilt) that effects` my everyday life now! (I guess its` the almighty god paying me back for my sins`) `I am so sorry god'

`If only If only` I could turn back the clock!!!!

[leomama]

For me it's because I'm trying to give to others what I did not get but sometimes it gets challenging when they get abusive.

[campervanman]

If I could become an angel! I would protect and take the pain away from everybody who is hurting!

[eyesclosed]

Hi it gets better only when u get the no contact order I think u are still enabling him and this stopped u from moving on. U really still love him u don't like him at all and there is a difference. put this man out of your life when your kids are 18 let them decide but right now get a no contact order show him your moving on without him. U are in control now if u really want to be. peace, hugs, smiles and sweet emotions too u

[leomama]

Hi. I think I did not explain myself well.

[eyesclosed]

Hi Well i have a hard time understanding what i'm reading so i just should say nothing Hope i didn't irrate ya

[Rose76]

I'm sorry, leomama, for what you've gone through. Do you have sole custody of your teenage daughter? I'm wondering why you are having anything whatsoever to do with this ex-husband?

It sounds to me like, at some level, you never completely cut ties with your ex. Otherwise, the issue of you two getting back together wouldn't even be coming up. I doubt he has anything to bring to the table as a co-parent. So, again, why are you still this involved with him?

I really do think that your dejection at Starbucks has a lot to do with you possibly never having totally let go of this man. Eleven years later, you are still grieving the failure of this marriage. You're still wishing that he could be other than as he is. If only he would get treatment . . . or be on the right meds . . . . .

Let go of him. He is as he is. Instead of setting limits on how far into your life he can intrude, why give him any access at all? Are you allowing him around because your daughter and he have some great bond? A man like you describe can't be bringing anything positive into a 16 year old girl's life.

You are finding your interactions with this man exhausting. Think about totally ending the interactions. You are young, yet, and sounds like you look well. Put the past in the past and open yourself up to what life might still hold for you.

People absolutely do get over failed relationships/marriages. But not if you pour this much mental energy into what is over.

So he is alcoholic, drug addicted, bipolar, narcissistic, sociopathic, domineering, unstable, childish . . . . How is any of that your problem anymore? He sounds like a guy that it was good to get away from. And you did. Pat yourself on the back for a wise decision. But follow through all the way.

Is part of the problem that you feel burdened by parenting your daughter alone?

What is your therapist telling you?

[eskielover]

That perfect looking couple may be putting on a charade also. Things are never what they look like from outside the relationship.

Stay strong.