What did I expect?

Ok so here goes. My marriage has/had been on very rocky ground since 2013. To be honest from my perspective it had been long before then but that year is very important to the overall story. I am currently still married but we are separated as of mid December of 2016. I am the one who wants the divorce.
The problem is that since I have moved out the overwhelming guilt I feel is starting to drive me in a dangerous direction. Be careful what you wish for, for you may surely get it as they say. We have been married for 18 years and together for over 20. The divorce papers won’t be filed until after our 19th anniversary.
I have been unhappy for more years than I can count. Let me also start by saying I take full responsibility for all actions and inactions on my part during our time together. We are the proverbial couple that if it weren’t for bad luck we would have no luck at all. If there is something bad that can happen, it happened to use basically starting about three months into our marriage.
Three months in my wife started to develop pain in the neck and shoulder that was debilitating, as it turns out she had a massive herniation at C5-6 in her neck that was pinching her spinal cord to the point that as her doctor put it one false move and she could become a quad. At the same time she was having to take care of her father who was suffering from congestive heart failure while he and she were both trying to take care of her mother who has Multiple Sclerosis and plays a huge part in the rest of this story. She has an older brother who is a belligerent high functioning alcoholic who never lifted a finger to help and only caused problems after her father died.
My wife had no choice but to have a massive neck surgery which was “successful” but is and always will be a chronic pain sufferer. She is however able to manage her pain with medication and hold down a very stressful full time job with the State. Her father passed away the same day she had her final follow up with the surgeon who performed the neck procedure.
This left her mother to deal with. I won’t bore anyone with the details of trying to manage sitters for an elderly parent but it was a nightmare so eventually she moved in with us in February of 2002 and has lived in our home ever since.
She is completely disabled and has been for over 10 years. She cannot do anything for herself, wears diapers, the whole bit. The child we never wanted. We have a sitter for her during the day so we can both work and on Saturday so that we can go to the store etc or just get out. As you can imagine this is /was a huge stressor on our relationship. If you are not currently in this situation just imagine never being able to be alone with your spouse in your own home.
I desperately wanted for my wife to find a nursing facility for her mother so that we could have a life of our own but she would contend that she would be treated so poorly that she would have to go there every day to check on her anyway which would just make things harder on her. I had no desire to make anything harder on her than things already were, I won’t even go into the details of the laundry list of health problems my wife has had and the unbelievably poor treatment she received from more doctors than I can count over the years we were together. Let’s just say the chronic appendicitis is so incredibly rare that doctors don’t even consider it but the end of this story is she had it and ended up with a gangrenous appendix that almost killed her.
So the long and short of all this is there has always been a tremendous amount of stress on my wife that I tried my best to help with and be supportive of.
The flip side to this is that at the same time all this was going on I felt like I was treated so incredibly poorly. NOTHING I did was every the correct way to do it or was done right. Have you ever spoken with someone who never, ever allows you to finish a sentence? It is incredibly frustrating isn’t it? Well I hadn’t finished a sentence in 20 years. I was constantly compared to everyone else’s husbands who apparently were perfect. Do you think X would ever say that to Y? etc.
So I withdrew, she made me feel like nothing, like I wasn’t good enough and not appreciated. SO that’s when I really started to move away, became a very heavy drinker and likely verbally abusive at times rationalizing it as defending myself.
Ive said terrible, horrible things to her out of spite and anger which I regret more than I can say. When it came down to it I was at the end of my rope and everything just exploded.
I suggested counseling, which we went to three sessions of. The bottom line was “are you willing to start over, leave the past behind and hit the reset button? “yes” she said. “Are you willing to start over, leave the past behind and hit the reset button? “yes” I said.
The problem is she tried and I admittedly did not. I just got worse. I think I was just already checked out or was too far gone at that point. I believed I wasn’t the one who needed to change, she was. I just never ever wanted to hurt her, so rather than man up and just say I didn’t want to do it anymore I just said “yes” and hoped that she would change all the things I felt she needed to change. Which makes me a selfish, self-absorbed, piece of S**t.
At one point she straight up asked me if I wanted to do this, “please just don’t waste my time”. And I said I did, I couldn’t bear the thought of hurting her and walking out given all that she was going through with her job( which if I went into all of that we would be here forever), her mother still living with us, her health issues etc. All the while I had completely separated myself from her, I didn’t spend time with her, I was an A**hole you name it. She was always in a bad mood so if she came home in a bad mood and I was in a good mood my good mood was over. But if she came home in a good mood I would purposely be a jerk just to show her (in my mind) what it was like to have to deal with that every day.
Did I mention she is a borderline hoarder? Not the filthy disgusting trash everywhere kind, the every single spot on every surface has something piled on it still with price tags on it but hasn’t been touched for 5 years kind.
Anyway, I guess I finally had enough. But she was the one who had to drag it out of me, not man enough to just say it I admit. “Do you want out of this?” “Yes” I said. From that point on I lived upstairs on the couch and she downstairs in our bed. I did not move out for over a year. It wasn’t until she had just become so bitter and ugly at every chance she could that I had enough. She told me that all she ever thought she was to me was a meal ticket and now that I didn’t need her anymore she was disposable. That she in hindsight did not have one, single, good memory of our time together. Nothing she could take with her after I was gone. I was the worst human being on earth for wasting her time. Not only the three years we were supposed to have started over, but the entire time we were married.
There are so many more details and stories back and forth good and bad for both of us it would take forever to tell the story but here is where I will try to wrap up.
When her father died she inherited their house as well as a sizable amount of money. We knew that we were going to have to move her mother in with us so she used that money to put down on the house. I had nothing to contribute as I came from nothing and didn’t have any money to give. The house her mother lived in sat empty for years.
She will eventually move into that house.
So, now it’s time to start talking about the divorce and the separation of assets. This is a community property state. But that means nothing to me. All I want is out. She purchased all the furniture in the house while I worked to pay all the household bills etc.
At the time of the sale of our mutual home, because she put down inherited money which is considered by the state not community property she is entitled to all that money back. Let me be frank it’s about 80k. Also, the house she inherited is also not considered community property so I have no claim to it. That is perfectly fine with me, it’s her house I have no intention of contesting that in any way.
The bottom line is I was miserable and simply did not want to be married anymore. I didn’t see anything ever changing in a positive way or in a way I wanted. I had grown so far away from her I just didn’t want to be with her anymore. I love her and always will but I am no longer in love with her.
I want to ensure she gets every nickel back that she deserves, she is entitled to half my retirement honestly she can have it all.
Up until last night I had not spoken to her since I left in December. The conversation was brief and ugly. She said few words but they spoke volumes, and the tone of her voice was one of controlled rage. She made it crystal clear she wanted nothing whatsoever to do with me ever again, she was sickened by just seeing my name in print and the sound of my voice was like nails across a chalkboard. She would interact with me only when absolutely necessary.
After all she said about what a terrible horrible person I am, it is my thought that she is better off without me. I want her to forget me and have a happy life, to be treated the way she deserves to be treated, to be loved and adored. Not the way I treated her. There were times when I did but of course that is all forgotten now and all she sees is the horrible human being.
At any rate, what I’m here for is that the guilt and depression I feel for walking out, even though I feel I should if I want any chance at a normal life, is overwhelming me to the point that I have been starting to have suicidal thoughts. I am a horrible person for what I’ve done. I didn’t treat her as I should have, I said horrible things to her. I’ve forgotten myself the times when I was there for her and did love her and tried to be the best husband I can be. It’s all washed away in my head and all I see now is the narcissist who walked away, and it is debilitating. This guilt, I feel, will kill me.
I have an appointment with my therapist today, but I don’t know that it’s going to help much.
I’m just a horrible person and I need to just accept that and resign myself to being alone because I am no good for anyone, including myself.
I’m sorry to all for the ridiculous length of this message, there are so many more pieces to all of this but I do have a job I’m supposed to be doing right now so I should get back to it. I’m not looking for pity or for anyone to sugarcoat anything. I guess I just want to know if anyone has experienced the same and what the hell do I do now??

Hello What did I expect?: I'm sorry you find yourself to be in this most difficult situation. I'm an older man. But I know what you're experiencing. I have my own "back story". (I'll spare you the details.)

You mentioned you'd be seeing your therapist yesterday. Assuming this is someone you feel good about, & comfortable with, I think the thing here is simply to keep working with this person. It can take time & a lot of very hard work to dig your way back out of this very dark place in which you now find yourself. The passage of time itself will help somewhat. But it's not a cure. In the long run, I think, working through all of this with your therapist is probably the way to go for you. Otherwise, even if you eventually meet someone else with whom you can begin anew, you'll still carry the burden of this past relationship with you. And I can tell you, from personal experience, it won't be helpful. I wish you well...

Bear in mind, a so-called "community property state" is not necessarily one where the split is half and half. In some states it is half of what assets were accrued by the couple in their marriage. If the marriage is short, that usually is not much. But for a long one, it can involve selling the house.

Incidentally Viking, your quote comes from Heidi R Kling,
Author of A visitors guide to Mystic Falls and others.

Sorry whatdidiexpect, I did not mean to hijack your thread, I have read your post and intend to reply but believe it needs some thought and introspection, so I won't try and answer while on the school run.

I just wAnted to say I am sorry for your loss. Give yourself a chance to grieve, because it sounds like you have an awful lot to grieve for.
Stick around and I will endeavour to be more helpful later on.
Take care.be kind to yourself.

Thank you Erebos, I sincerely appreciate it.

I'm really sorry you've been through so much I'm glad you're going to see a therapist. Be patient, it's going to take a while

Thank you Mickey, I appreciate it.

I have read and re read your post and have struggled to see how you could have done things very much differently,the consequences would have been much the same.
Yes you could have done it sooner, just fessed up and bit the bullet. But you didn't.

I will be honest, I don't believe human relationships are meant to last a lifetime.
We are too mutable, too prone to be changed by our experiences, our age our work out friends. To expect two people in continual transition to last a lifetime in a relationship where the person they fall in love with will most likely be someone else in a generation's time, less if your younger and changing more rapidly.
It just isn't practical,ideal? Maybe, but likely, no.

Feeling guilt is an acceptable part of leaving someone, but only answer for what you yourself are directly responsible.
Your wife's ill health, sickly parents and bad drs, are not something you should hold onto as your fault.
Being unfaithful, and not quitting sooner are things you should take responsibility for.
Your not contesting assets, that is entirely up to you, but do remember you will have a life to fund. Don't leave yourself destitute out of your guilt.

As has been said before time is your friend here, but also not allowing yourself to wallow.
Try and do something once a week that gets you out, that reminds you how big the world is. That reminds you there were things you once enjoyed.
It's still early days, stick at the therapy.
I wish you all the best for the future. Take Care.

When marriages degrade to that point there is usually no way of saving them. I've been there done that & honestly I feel like I escaped with my life & have no regrets about that. I lived in the same house separated the last 13 years I was living with him basically trapped there by financial issues until my mom died & I sold her house & used the money basically to escape though it wasnt the initial plan.

About your wife's inheritance money. Ok, I left 10 years ago & finally had money to put my farm into an LLC to protect it from his financial irresponsibility. The interesting thing to find out was that I bought my farm (totally paid for) with my inheritance. His name was never signed to the property title but because Ky Is a dower state, he had to sign a quit claim on MY farm property because the dower statutes gave him ownership also of my inheritance money even though the inheritance came from a state (calif) that is not a dower state.

While initially pissing with the initial divorce demands, he talked with a lawyer about baknruptcy. I had tsken some of my inheritance money WITH THE AGREEMENT of being paid back when the refinance went through on that Ca house. I got my money back but the lawyer had told him that according to community property laws in Ca, because I put that money into the common ownership property of the house that it had actually become part of the community property & in reality I wasnt entitled to get ALL the money back that in agreement had only loaned him.

My daughter ended up in a similar situation in Colorado though not married, she had put her inheritance into buying a house with her BF. They split up & EVERYTHING was divided...inheritance gone.

You seriously need to consult with a lawyer regarding that 80k she put ito the common property house. Leagally it may very well have become common property because of your house being common property. That lawyer told him that IF I had placed my money into our joint account it woukd have legally become common property too. Luckily I kept it in the trust account ONLY in my name.

Oh the nightmare book I could write about my marriage that I stuck together for 33 years of my life (wasted). Most I hid away in my computer engineering career but when aerospace crashed & my career crashed & I didnt have my escape any longer, life at home fell totally apart. I didnt even realuze until a few yearsago that ALL my suicide attempts werent just because of the loss of my career but were the only way I could see OUT OF BEING TRAPPED in the bad marriage. I ended up on disability unable to handle the high stress of an engineering career any longer but still had no way out because our home was upside down financially & all my medical bills from trying to end my life. Wgen I was finally able to escape, all retirement money was gone. I gave him the house when he let it go into foreclosure but my name is still on the loan. My quit claim on that house just orotects me against any law suit against the property that might occur but with my nsme still on the loan nothibg protects me against them coming back to me if he ends up letting it go into foreclosure again. Evenduvorce doesnt protect me, only his refinance in his own name which he would never be able to qualify for.

All these little details are things you need to keep in mind with divorce in your future.

Thanks everyone for your responses, I sincerely appreciate it. Now if I could simply get her to contact me with all of her W-2s and such I could actually file our taxes today. Wouldn't that be nice?

Hi WhatdidIexpect, I just want to say that you had a lot to contend with in your marriage ,caring for people that are ill takes a lot of strength and patience,it was hard for you to support your wife through such debilitating conditions and have her mother and father ill too.Then when her father died to have her mother move in and need help 24/7,it is a burden I think so anyway.I think you did your best to help them all, then when your wife became verbally abusive,never allowing you to finish a sentence and saying you weren't good enough compared to so and so''s husband,on top of her hoarding habits,I am not surprised your heart was no longer in it.I don't think you deserve to feel guilty or are guilty of any wrongdoing.

If you can heal from this then do so and decide what direction your life will take and make sure you do something that is meaningful and will make you happy.Whether that is to find a new partner or pursue interests of your own is your decision.I wish you well and please don't feel bad or guilty,although sad is ok cos twenty years is a long time to have been with someone and lose them,grief affects everyone,so take time to reflect with your therapist.Good wishes to you.

Can you file separately? That way it puts the pressure on her since she is being uncooperative in getting the needed information to you....oh the IRS nightmare my H caused me...dont wsnt ti mess with the IRS.

He was getting the mail most days before we (actually both of us) took the trip to look for the farm I wanted to buy with my inheritance money. Made the trip in April & I (only I) came back in May to close escrow on the farm I bought as I REFUSED to let him put his name on the title (paid cash for it with MY inheritance $). I stayed until Sept working on cleaning & fixing it up. Went back to our home in Sept for a couple of weeks to load up some things in a moving truck which I drove 2100 miles across country with my dog. I stayed until just after Thanksgiving & drove my truck back planning to haul my horse trailer back filled with our 13 dogs & see if the new awesome environment I found would mske any difference in him. I had already decided over those months I reslly loved living without him in my life but thought maybe tkme aeay he might have had time to figure out the issues I had been expressing to him so felt it was only fair to give him ONE LAST CHANCE & I had bought a plane ticket for my daughter to come yo my new farm thst Christmas too. First Christmas fsmily had been together in years. A 2100 mile trip riding in a truck gave LOTS of time available to talk ( one would think).

I ended up kicking him out & back to the home we owned but luckily I had all the mail forwarded to my farm & just left it that way. Good thing!!!! I got a letter from the IRS the day before my birthday in Feb saying it was SECOND NOTICE???? I never got first notice & was NEVER TOLD about any first notice. Come to fimd out he got the letter alright but he said because he couldnt figure out what the problem was & he KNEW he hadnt MADE SNY MISTAKES.....he just IGNORED the letter & didnt bother to tell me about it. I researched the problem & went over the tax filing the IRS said there was a problem with....& sure enough...over a $10,000 problem he had goofed up on with my inheritance & one small mistake that was correctable that went away. The IRS worked with me on what I needed to get the penalties waived so I took care of that. We had no money by that point to pay it with thsnks to his not telling me when he got the letter that previous March. I was so angry Iforced him to take a retirement he had been waiting to take. I made the payments because I didnt trust him with anything by that point. It took about 8 years to pay it off even eith it being really low interest. It wasnt easy working directly with the IRS to get it resolved but I knew I couldnt possibly trust him. Everything I had given him to handle in our marriage he messed up.

Dont let your wife's keeping the W-2's from yohget yoh into a mess with the IRS....its not worth it....ugh, really not.

Hope yiu were able to file an extension & at least have the taxes paid. I can truly feel for you & the hassles you are dealing with.