How do I move on?

Hi everyone,

I am new to these forums after searching for a place where I could talk about what a nightmare the last 18 months have been for me.

To cut a very very very long story short, I am a mum of two girls, aged 7 and 9. Just over a year ago I separated from their father, whom I was with for 11 years (married for 7), or a third of my life. We were each others first serious relationships and we had a really good relationship....or so I thought.
About 3 years ago, things were not going so well in our marriage. He lacks emotion and is not at all thoughtful, romantic, passionate, warm... Keeps his feelings bottled up. Our roles in the relationship really changed after I had our first daughter. Things felt unequal, and I was expected to be doing everything around the house, working part time and raising kids. Resentment began to build. I also could no longer fight back my desires to be with women. I have always known I was same sex attracted but never acted on it for a multitude of reasons. So I openly told him how I felt and we agreed that I could casually date women with the exception that it does not turn into a relationship. Well of course, that's exactly what happened. I was on and off with several women over the course of 2 years. Often I would ask him if he was still ok with it all and he would say yes. Then I got involved with someone whom I was very flipped over. But I was a real mess and she ended up breaking things off with me, and needless to say I fell apart. That's when he and I both realised that this marriage was over. So we separated. In this time I have slept with quite a number of women and am currently seeing a woman whom I really love and have been with for 8 months now. The issue is, he has met someone recently and has started spending time with her, her kids and our kids. Irrationally and hypocritically I am gutted. I can't understand why I feel this way. But all I feel is a huge loss and I grieve everyday for the failing of our marriage, even though I am to blame a lot for what has happened.

I guesss I just can't understand m,y emotions and why I feel this way. I know that I love being with women and I consider myself a lesbian. I just want my ex to be happy. But I am having huge issues accepting that he is finally moving on. What on earth is wrong with me?

I feel so lost and alone, even though I have someone else who is madly in love with me and treats me like a princess. She fulfils everything that I was always missing from my marriage. But yet.....
I have been seeing psychologists since last year and I am on antidepressants. My depression was so bad last year and I fell into a huge hole. I just want to know how I can move forward and be happy for him. He deserves it as do I.
I have also had to deal with my somewhat homophobic parents and their negativity and it is really taking its toll o me, but that's an entirely separate issue.

Thank you if you have managed to get through this enormous post. I'm not sure what I'm looking for on here, I guess maybe if people have had similar experiences with separation of long term relationships/. How have you handled it and how do you move on?

Thank you

Catgirl

Hi Catgirl26.

For those who feel alone, or simply wanting to reach out for a chat without judgement......this is the place. There are many good listeners here, we're a pretty good bunch.

I have been an active member of this site for 3 years. In that time I have received some really constructive feedback and connected with several others with similar challenges to myself. I have also found hanging out in the Games Forums to be a welcome distraction in times of stress... a great way to clear my head, meet like minded others, and have some well needed fun. New members also benefit greatly from perusing the many forums available here...lots to explore. Also after 5 approved posts members have the option to join the chatrooms..or chat one on one with other members.

Should you have any questions on navigating this site, please don't hesitate to private message me or any of the other Community Liaisons who will be more than happy to help. Just click on the screen name above my avatar.

Please be kind to yourself Catgirl26, and welcome to P.C

We each need to find the best way to get through those times... but they do come to everyone. (((hug)))

For me, I earmark it as a season of my life that is now done and I'm going into the next season and make the best of it. Letting the past be past in every way I can, is good for me.

Hello Cat
Sometimes I think it's the loss of a dream that is the hardest to move on from. At one point you wanted a family with this man. It was your dream. And the dream changed, which is normal as well. And maybe seeing your ex husband with someone new, was the trigger that made you realize that it was truly over. No going back. And when a door closes, it is a truly sad thing. So mourn the passing of a dream that is no longer right for you.
But you asked how to move on? Stop looking at the closed door and wondering how, why, what if? Focus on all the new doors that have opened now that you live your life in a way that feels true to you. It's okay if you don't have it all figured out. Your doing great. Take care��

Thanks for the responses so far.

I am doing my best to stay positive, and I have a lot of distractions, but it still comes back to bite me at times. I guess when my kids come back to me and tell me about the fun things they have done with Daddy and his 'new friend' it hurts a lot.

Also, whilst I am currently in a relationship with a lovely lady I am having issues there whether or not that this is right for me. Most of this doubt comes from the fact that she has 3 cats and a dog whom she treats just like children. The cats are inside cats and never are allowed to go outside. They drop fur everywhere, are into everything and her place just has a 'cat' smell to it. The dog is like a child. I love cats, but have never had to live with them so closely. I want to move in with her but I worry that I'm not going to be able to deal with the cats.

Do you think that it is silly to be upset over this issue. Would this be a deal breaker for you?

I guess, having doubt about this relationship, makes me feel worse when I think of my ex in a happy one.

I'm a mess. I would love to hear from anyone else who has any suggestions or constructive advice...

I do not think that it is silly to be upset about the cats. You literally smell them, are physically exposed to them, every second that you are there. If that is not an agreeable sensation, then every second of your time there has that disagreeable tinge to it.

I don't know whether or not it would be a dealbreaker for me, but I can certainly understand that it could be a dealbreaker.

I think this might explain things for me, it's been so hard even though I know it was the right decision for him. I just can't seem to move on I still love him even though I don't think we are right for each other any more but after 24 years of marriage it's hard to let go. I try to look forward but I don't know how? I feel like I'm drowning in self pity and loneliness. I thankful for my daughter and grandkids other wise I don't think i would have made it this far.

Maybe a little jealousy that he is now happy without you & maybe you are seeing that he can be the person he wasn't able to be with you:
I know the issues I ended up leaving my H for were things that were there with him way before the wedding. Just wasnt as "in my face" obvious then as it was later.

I felt no connection to him & thought the problem was me all those years until I left & found out that I am the one capable of connecting & he is the one who isn't. Maybe seeing him be with someone else whst he never was with you is something that is creating that uneasy feeling in you since you arent seeming to truly connect with anyone & now he is? Kind of a hurt & jealous put together maybe?....that you arent the one experiencing the emotions yiu want to feel. (Just a thought).

How to move on? Some things we just have to let go of, make our choices & live with the consequences or re-evaluate those choices. It all takes a goid analysis & mindfulnessof our own lives.