[Patagonia]

22 yrs married. 3 children. Youngest just turned 7yo. I'm 47yo.
We've drifted apart & don't really talk to ea other anymore unless it's about his work, the family schedule or the kids. We get by day to day.
I feel dead inside.

I stay for my kids bec I worry about what a divorce would do to them. There's a very good chance it would get pretty ugly. Do I really wanto put them thru all that hurt & anguish just for myself....

I also feel like a huge coward. I'm financially dependent on my husband. I've never held a full time job or lived on my own. The thought of doing any of this terrifies me! So I stay....then I get angry & resentful....then I feel guilty...& shame...then scared. Really scared that I'm making a huge mistake bec I can't survive alone. I will fail & my kids will see me fail. This endless loop plays in my head & I end up going in circles & wasting my life.

We've done marriage counseling etc. I've tried & I just wanto walk away...quietly. But I know that won't happen.

My old self says, well you're buggered here. Dam if you do & dam it you don't. So go off yourself.
I can't listen to that old self bec once again I'd feel guilty about my kids. Omg then I resent my kids! This can't be right!

Then I have this weird part of me that wakes up in the morning & thinks...ok something totally different & life altering is going to happen today that will change the course of your life!
Yeah that's not happening.

Many will say....we'll make it happen! Do it myself! Yes I agree & you know what? I'm lazy! And this would cause heartache & pain & none of that sounds very appealing!

So I float....aimlessly...& just do what I need to make my family run.
I'm lost.

It sounds like a difficult situation to be in, Patagonia.

Kids are smart cookies though, they can sense when there is tension in the home between parents, and I would venture to say that living in that kind of environment is harder on children than having your parents divorce.

My parents separated when I was very young and I'm glad they did. I would much rather them do that, than stay in a loveless marriage. My boyfriend's parents did exactly what you are doing - staying together for the kids. My boyfriend told me that he knew it was a loveless marriage, and that had a negative affect on him. Like I said, kids are smart.

[nicoleflynn]

Perhaps consider counseling for yourself. I stayed for 31 years;one sentence helped me leave: "Try to let the side of you that is trying to save yourself....win." I know that just thinking about leaving is overwhelming.

[Patagonia]

Yes I know my kids can sense it. I try to put on a happy face a lot for them. Doesn't always work & my depression & issues bleed thru. Sometimes I feel like the glue for the family bec my husband can be overbearing. I feel like they need me to keep balance. He is a good provider for us.
But sometimes I catch myself mumbling under my breath & I know my oldest 12yo can feel it.

The house feels so different when he's not in it. Less tense to me, less heavy. The only place we get along is thru text!

I've been in therapy over 20 yrs. I stopped. Most, I realize is situational & my anger issues won't get talked away.

So I stay for them & die inside but know it's a sacrifice for them or I leave with nothing. My husband has an eye for eye mentality & his own anger issues he won't work on.
So I ask myself everyday do I leave & try to find myself & a life of contentment knowing I'll do it alone.

[Erebos]

As someone who grew up in a "stay together for the kids sake" home. I can say unequivocally that in our case it was horrible.
We never saw affection, we never learned what a healthy or loving relationship looked like. We didn't learn how to talk to a partner.
We did learn what unhappiness looks like, and that being with someone you didn't like was normal.
We learn how to walk on eggshells. To never ask questions. To never want anything better.
We also learned that children make everyone miserable.
That we were responsible for our parents situation and feelings.
We learned to feel guilty for what we put our father through. Because if we weren't there he would have left and it would have been better all round.
He wouldn't have felt obligated, mother wouldn't have resented him.
They wouldn't have hated each other.

This household was extremely effected by mental health issues, and was far more dysfunctional than yours sounds.
Obviously you work out you can't be responsible for the choices of others. But even at 38 still feel guilty that my parents were so unhappy.

I understand though that it would be a battle to separate. So what I would say is talk to your kids as they grow up be as honest as you can and help them understand about relationships and what they are worth as people in their own right.

I really do wish you all the best. Take care.

[Patagonia]

Ok that last post really hit me.
I grew up w/ parents that argued a lot. So I learned that to get your point across you had to argue & raise your voice.
When I married my husband told me he never saw his parents argue. So I don't think he learned how to handle a disagreement.
Few yrs into our marriage when we'd disagree he'd tell me to stop yelling or use a certain tone with him bec he wouldn't tolerate it & basically it wasn't the way people discussed things. But he never taught me how to get my point across & be heard. He had the power. He made the money, he made the decisions.
Then MH issues & he really had to stand in for me bec I couldn't.
So I gave up.
I learned to rely on him.
Now I guess I resent that. I'd like to have a voice & when I try to use it he shuts me down. I'm not respected. His decision is final & im seen as weak. Especially bec he is the bread winner.

So how do my kids see me. I guess if they'd really look (when their older) they will see me as weak & submissive.
I hated seeing that in my own mom.
I do try to guide my kids to be strong & confident....but I guess my actions don't show that. I don't feel like an equal in this marriage & I really don't wanto stay in it.
So I feel everything now hinges on my ability to go out into a work force that is foreign to me & get a job. Not just any job, but a great job that has benefits & makes me totally independent so I can move out on my own. I won't expect any help from anyone.
Now that's a great plan, but to me that hurdle is so unbelievably high & out of reach that it makes me quit before I try.
I'm worried I'll fail. I've never done full time employment before or be self supportive. Then I worry about my MH issues. What if I have an episode? What will I do?

So I get scared & then I hear in my head "hey you have a nice comfy life right where you are. Stay! Be a mom & a wife bec they need you & it's what everyone expects. You can be happy here if you just stop thinking about 'what if'. Stay."

So I go in circles. Wait for some earth shattering change that won't really come or the unexpected death of my husband which is horrible thinking or my own unexpected death. Or I win the lottery....that I don't play.

[Erebos]

I can totally understand what you're saying, as an adult I have been there myself. Until it got too horrible to bear. But I was a lot younger then.
Perhaps if you didn't look so far ahead. Your trying to make the jump from a-z without looking at the steps in between.
Right now all you see is being in or being out. What if you could find a middle ground.
Maybe starting with a part-time job in something you enjoy. Something that gives you your own finances, independence and empowers you somewhat.

Give yourself time, you might find that those changes are enough to make life a little more bearable for the moment, see how you settle in. Don't beat yourself up for being afraid, it's a big undertaking. I try and make it smaller.
Don't say, I need a job so I can get out. Just that you want something that is yours.
In the end only you know what you can manage, I do wish you and yours all the best though.

[Patagonia]

Thanks everyone for the advice. I do get overwhelmed very easily & I feel like I'm running out of time to have my own life & what I want.
I'll try & break this up into smaller parts.
Thanks!

[Erebos]

Good luck, be kind to yourself.

[FrancoStacy]

This is my first post. All I can do is tell you my experience and my thoughts.

First off after reading your post, you seem to have low self esteem which I am not sure your marriage is the cause. It may have been why you married this person but regardless I wonder if the self esteem is a cause or an effect. So, I would recommend trying to do something that may help in that area. I would see counseling for that or let them listen and help. Also, maybe seek a degree, with or without a divorce getting a degree and a job may help you with your self image.

I think that doing this for your kids is a noble thing. My situation is a little different but also similar. My wife left me and she left me with our 4 kids. For 22 years we had a fantastic marriage and home life. Then the last two years she changed. I thought it was just stress of job and raising kids, but it was much darker than that. I wont bore with all the details but it was like space aliens took her and replaced her with someone that looked like her but as foreign to me as you can imagine. She walked out the door to go to work, we kissed and said we loved each other and she never came home.

There were so many lies. Deceptions. We lost our home. I was afraid I was going to lose my job. My credit was shot. Life savings gone. My wife had a secret Facebook account and met the brother of her ex husband and off she went. Looking back there were signs, but I guess I was just an idiot.

That was 6 years ago when she left. We divorced two years ago so I busted my butt to keep her for 4 years of our seperation. I tried to hold the family together. I was willing to do anything. We still had sex. We still did things with the kids, but she would go home to her boyfriends. Me and my kids were just shocked, but I kept fighting. I even told her once just come back and you can keep your boyfriends and if you feel like you got to go away for a week, I will tell the kids you are traveling for work. I was willing to swallow my man pride and my ego and do this for the kids. Her and I even went to Florida together and whenever her boyfriend would call, I would leave the room or be silent so he wouldn't find out. I was still her husband.

My kids were shining stars. Athletes, captains of their basketball and soccer teams, outgoing and three of the four were great students, one has a slight learning disability. Statistics tell you that kids of divorce fall into these data fields after divorce, not a guarantee but statistically very likely
1. Lower standard of living - TRUE, we lost our home. Lost half our vehicles. Debt that I didnt know I had. Lower income. We had to shop differently and even eat differently
2. Increased absenteeism in school - TRUE, 3 of the 4 miss more school now more than ever
3. Drop in grades- TRUE, two of them for sure. One of them who was an honor student, I had to talk to the school for them to not kick her out, She would miss 2 or 3 days of school a week. That was under my roof and I could not change it. I could not discipline her because she simply did not care.
4. Trouble with relationships - TRUE, only two of them are old enough, but the one said she loved this boyfriend because he helped her get through the divorce. In the end he beat her up, he used drugs, and stole from me, and sabotaged her car. Another daughter became so attached in her relationship that it was not normal. She was a division 1 athlete on athletic and academic scholarship, so she had a lot going for her, it was really weird.
5. Depression - TRUE, one of my daughters has depression and a year and half ago had to be put on suicide watch. she told me with her crying that she didnt want to live. She denied for a long time she was depressed but then later said she was but said it was not the divorce. In the end she admitted it did start at the divorce.
6. DRUGS - My one daughter started smoking, started taking pills and selling pot. She was an honor student that barely graduated high school. She did not go to college and worked from job to job. she would not show up for work, she didnt care. All her friends were druggies and welfare recipients. She lost her job and just quit looking. She got her car repossessed and her phone shut off and sued by the bank. She slept with a married man and his wife turned her in for selling pot out my house that I had no clue, and then child protection services came to me to see if I was a fit parent.

My son for his his 8th birthday asked for his mom and dad to sleep in the same bed with him. We did
He has a friend as school and that boy's family is divorced. My son told me one day that he like having him as a friend because they talk about what its like to be a divorced family. I took the two boys trick or treating one year and the friend asked to go in this one neighborhood so I did. He told me he liked this one house and I asked why. He said I use to live there with my mom and dad.

I came from a good family. My mom and dad got married at 15 and 20 and were married until their deaths in their 80s. My wife came from a broken home of abuse and divorces and step dads and step brothers and half brothers. She swore she would never do that to her children, but that is exactly what she did.

I coach high school girls. I can tell which kids come from trouble homes and most of them are divorced homes. I now coach at a Catholic school where most of the kids come from intact home, the kids are different. They dont need me for anything else other than coaching, but in the other job, the girls were more dependent on me.

So I would suggest thinking it over and please please please honestly communicate with your husband. Before you think about saving the kids from a loveless home, try to put love there. If you have tried before, try again but do something different this time. Dont do the same thing and expect different results.

In my divorce and my marriage that I took a lot during our seperation, God and my Catholic faith got me through it and my kids got me out of bed every day. I learned a lot through suffering. I miss my old life every single day, but my life now is about giving my kids the best life with what I have left. So please, not asking you to be a victim, but to be proactive on behalf of you and your kids. Work on yourself, be honest with yourself and husband. Seek help

Its hard. I tried hard and i failed, but I am glad I tried my best. I at least have that satisfaction.

This is my experience and my suggestion. Im just one person and this is me. Good luck. Consider asking a higher being for help
Good luck, you are capable of so much more than you think. You sound like a special person to me. Dont think so much about the long journey, think about the first step

[Erebos]

It's horses for courses Franco, you assume your children are the way they are because of the divorce.

I promise you children pick up on what is going on at home. It wasnt the divorce that damaged them.
It was the hideous behaviour they witnessed.
If you think kids don't know when their parents are up to something.
You Think they couldn't feel your misery for those 4years.
A misery they didn't understand, and couldn't talk a out cos everyone pretended it was ok.

My parents stuck it out for decades.
What good it did me and my sibling?
I am a drug addict, in My 24th year of addiction.
My brothers relationship with women is so fkt up he will be on the sex offenders register for the rest of his life, he is a habitual rapist.
He can't have a normal sexual relationship with his partners. This is Directly as a result of the terrible relationship my parents had.
We actually begged to be put into care, but because daddy was rich and mummy was medicated, we had to stay home.
(This in no way has ANY reflection on the OP's family it's a different thing .)
In contrast I have four kids, who live with me, who are raised only by me after their dad took off.
All are excelling at school, my eldest is in uni.
Two are on music scholarships.
And my youngest who has autism, is also on his way to a music scholarships. Fingers crossed.

The damage is done before the divorce in 9 cases out of 10

And nearly always because parents think they can fool their kids.
I have always been honest with my kids as much as I can be. From my drug use to their father leaving.
Like all kids they have stuff come up and my oldest son definitely has more anxiety than he should.
Compared to the damage that would have been had I stayed with their father.

Franco you say you recognise the kids from divorced families, I can spot a person raised in a miserable family home at 150 paces.

I have read your post,what you experienced was horrific, but don't kid yourself that if your wife was still home things would be fine.

As with all things, it comes down to how you handle it.
If you fall apart, so will your kids.

For the record, I totally believe in marriage, but I also believe not every relationship is meant to last forever. It just isn't conducive to the human condition.
We grow and change too much over our lifetimes to expect one person to grow and change with you and match your needs and wants isn't practical.
Marriage was formed when the human life expectancy was 30-35 years.
Sure some of us have grand parents who made it.
And I know 1 or 2 people who have made it to 20 years.
Those are all people with healthy social lives, who have a lot going on as individuals, that they then bring back to the relationship.
If the marriage is all you have, the strain becomes too much to bear, and what else do you talk about.
Where are the dreams, the fresh ideas.
What stops it going stale.

Eugh, sorry Patagonia, I went totally off topic there.
My up most apologies.
And to everyone else. Sometimes I just go off on one.
My apologies.

Do take care and enjoy your Sunday.

[Patagonia]

Yes stale. Our marriage life is stale in every capacity.

And I've had issues with my kids since they were little. My oldest has been in therapy for 3 yrs for anger & defiant disorder. She's my worst.
My 2nd has 3 learning disabilities & very emotional.
My youngest has terrible anxiety in first grade! Why?
So I feel totally responsible for them & their issues & that it's my job, as mom, to put my wants & desires to the side to help them any way I can.
I did that for awhile & it's left me with more resentment. I'm tired & I feel old.
I give so much to all of them including my SO that I've lost myself in the process.
It makes me angry. It makes me sad. This isn't how I saw my future.

[Whisper888]

I'm sorry you feel this way. And you are not alone. I've been with my Husband 20 years. Kids are 11 and 9. After having my youngest I realized that my husband would never be the person I needed in my life. That was the first time I truly considered leaving. BUT with 2 small toddlers, I just couldn't give up that time with them. I wanted to be there and be a great mom. So I threw myself into my kids and my marriage and ignored all my displeasure. Making the most out of life. And you know...given the choice at that time. I probably would make the same decision...for my kids.
Now...10 years later. The problem is still there. And bigger. I think I was like you...waiting for something to happen that would change the course of my life. Guess what...it never did. I dreamed of winning the lottery so I would have the means to support my kids without him.
I never said it out loud though....not even to myself.
Then one day I did. After going through 2 years of struggling with anxiety and depression...and receiving no help from my husband. I had to admit, out loud, to myself, that despite living in a house full of people. I was lonely.
And despite wearing a smile and finding joy in my children....I was sad.
I missed having a partner. Someone to conquer the world with. I missed having someone to talk to. To care about me. It sounded so weak to me because I have always relied on myself.
The foundation of my illusion started to Crack. ..
I couldn't keep pretending.
So I didn't.
I quit putting my time and effort into my marriage . I'm still and incredible mom. Bit I refused to be manipulated into putting all my time and energy into a man who gives nothing back.
And you know what...I got my answer. It wasn't the one I wanted. He really didn't give a ****. He's only interested in putting in a little effort to save his marriage. Oh...don't get me wrong. He thinks he has. Too little . Too late.
The problem is. Once you speak the truth to yourself. It's hard to keep ignoring. So, I started taking steps to leave. I went from part time to full time. Saved money. Ect ect.
I'm still here. My husband and I don't even talk anymore. I've been preparing to leave for 1 year.
I haven't told anyone. But it has given me strength. That in another 6 month. I do have the means to leave.
This doesn't have to be you. But maybe you take some steps now as a "just in case"
What truly motivated me was this...what am I teaching my children about marriage? That it's normal for the husband to sleep on the couch? That the woman works like a slave, while the man watches TV? That if ur unhappy in life, then too bad? U made ur bed, now be miserable in it till you die.
I want my kids to know that even if you make a wrong decision in life. You have the power to change your life. The ultimate goal is happiness. And we deserve this too.
Nothing ever changes...if you never change anything.
And perhaps leaving isn't your solution. I once knew a lady, her and her husband had nothing in common. He hunted and fished. She traveled over seas. They share a house for financial purposes. And basically are friends living together.
My point is...you need to find your joy in life. Whatever that is. Denial will only get you so far, before the foundation cracks. Take care❤

[Patagonia]

Thank you Whisper888, yes I can totally relate to your post.

Yes I worry a great deal about what I'm teaching to my kids about relationships. This "do as I say, not as I do" attitude is paper thin.

I can't see spending the rest of my life this miserable....& honestly don't understand why my SO doesn't see my misery.

[Catgirl26]

Patagonia,
You have had some sound advice given already. May I put another perspective on it though? I don't know if you have read my original post, but I have recently separated from my husband after an 11 year relationship and marriage. WE have 2 young children 7 and 9 years old. For the last 5 years or so I was just so unhappy. We kind of drifted apart and he showed very little affection and romance towards me. Everything felt unequal and it was the little things that he did not do, such as cleaning up the dishes after I had cooked, doing the groceries, contributing to housework evenly, etc... that gradually eroded away at our relationship. I was told by my paretns that I should stay for the kids sake, but the reality was that they had 2 unhappy parents and they were beginning to pick up on that. Now that we have separated, things are still hard for me emotionally but they now have 2 happy parents.

[Catgirl26]

Sorry, wasn't finished my other post......
I think it is important to model to children what a healthy relationship looks like. Our children never saw any physical affection between us.

I also used to think to myself "can I really spend the rest of my life feeling like this?" and the answer was always no. Life is too short and precious to not be happy and children deserve the best of their parents, even if that means they separate. I never want my children to feel obligated to stay in a relationship that doesn't feel right and one in which they are not happy.

[Patagonia]

Thank you Catgirl26 I do understand your post & appreciate your comments.
Here are a few of my issues.

I'm not employed. Now I have been actively applying for work to help get my feet under me & feel more confident, but I feel l can't make a big move w/o financial independence. Also the jobs I applied to are part time. Realistically w/my MH issues I know I'd do better getting my feet wet in the work force with part time work. So I'm hoping to find something I'd like to do for the next 20 yrs till I can "retire." Money is a huge issue.

Now some days I feel confident & know I can make changes that will help me, but I get waves of fright & I freeze. That this will all be the worst decision & I don't feel like I can do it. I feel like a coward & I will fail miserably with nothing & no one to rely on. I've never done anything by myself.
So I know I need to take baby steps.
And yes I know my kids can now pick up on how miserable I am. They don't see much affection either from my SO & I. They just see us as parents. He makes money, I'm just a mom. I feel powerless.
I also know that if I take these steps my husband will feel blindsided. But if he really truly looks at things he'd see how unhappy I am, but he won't ever see that honestly.
He's very focused on how things look to others in society.

He came home from work one time talking about a couple he knows in the workplace & how the husband had an affair. It went like wildfire & everyone agreed what a horrible man this guy was. I told my SO that this wasn't a fair judgement call & no one has the right to say that bec we don't know both sides. People have affairs for a reason. He looked at me with such great disdain that I felt this way.
If I'd walk away I'd be seen as the bad guy & he'd make sure that everyone knew that bec at work, he's a totally different person. He's the guy that everyone looks up to & everyone says what a kind & thoughtful man he is, so dedicated! Everyone just loves him. He's a powerhouse in his work & has boatloads of friends & associates. I have none. Really, none. Does it bother me that these people will probably blame me? Maybe a bit yeah, but I don't know them so I don't care too much, but it also angers me that my side will not be heard. He will be the martyr.
But no one sees the side of him that comes home.

3 yrs ago I told him I wanted to stop therapy & all my meds. I had a new plan & if I ran into trouble I'd seek help. He said ok.
That was the last time we discussed my MH issues. He thinks they just disappeared! That he doesn't have to ask about how I am on the inside; that somehow I'm just fine & all my issues are magically gone. Don't ask; don't tell! I've had 3 major suicide attempts in this marriage & he doesn't bother to ask me how I really am? What am I?
When I occasionally tell him I'm feeling depressed he tells me to "rest" which is the worst advice....or that I need to go to the gym more!
He doesn't wanto hear about it. He's in his own little world & doesn't wanto be bothered. I feel like a nuisance.

If I say "I need to talk more, I'm really hurting etc" he'll say, well we have insurance go find another therapist.
So in my mind I feel neglected. But is that just in my head? Bec on the outside, in theory, he's doing what he needs to, to keep the family together. He's the provider. Pays the bills for all of us. He's a good dad & loves his kids. He thinks life is good. What more could he do. So I guess I'm the one causing problems.
Then I think I AM the one that is all wrong.
My thinking has become so terribly distorted that I don't know the truth anymore.

Originally Posted by Patagonia

Money is a huge issue.....

I feel like a coward.....

I've had 3 major suicide attempts...

Money can't buy love and happiness but if we don't have enough to survive--ie eat nutritionally, have shelter, go to the doctor, dentist, etc. our lives will be terrible--it is a very real factor for both you, me and our spouses--if we left them--they would be financially less well off as well. Even if you are not working--what you do has financial value. Raising children, cooking, cleaning, laundrey--all these things are not cheap when you hire someone to do them.

When we feel like a cowards isn't that the most damaging thing of all to our self worth? It is for me. If not leaving is what is making you feel like a coward--do something everyday toward that goal--look for work, save money, improve your credit, etc. If you cannot afford to leave but are really taking concrete steps toward eventually doing what makes you feel uncowardly, I think this will help you.

I have had one major attempt (put me in ICU)--I am so sorry you have been driven to three. I have made a promise to myself that the next time I feel suicidal I will channel these feelings into running away instead of hurting myself. While I don't currently want to divorce (but sometimes do)--I feel like I at least have the means (I sometimes work part time) to do this if I get that way again. My H says he will follow me but maybe it is my hope that putting my energy into something besides suicide (thankfully, I am doing well now) will give me an outlet. I really hope you don't attempt again. Your kids need you, parents, siblings, and even your H may love you more than you think. Patagonia--your thread says "you stay for the kids"--I never want to put my kids through what I did when I attempted again. If you have any other suicidal thoughts you may want to go back to therapy or consider medications again. I still take one medication for my depression. Please stay self aware enough to take steps to ensure you do not attempt again. Many people need you!!! What you do matters. Much of our happiness comes from our own actions, not others. Do something to make yourself happy everyday. Don't worry about what your H thinks. Decide what you want (that is realistic) and do something small towards that goal. Find things in your life that you are grateful for. You have friends at PC. No one is just a mom. Even when a mom is in her 80s--we can make things either better for our children. My mother-in-law is a good example of this.

[Patagonia]

Thank you Hopingtrying.
Yes money is a real factor bec even tho I'd like to claim my independence & leave I know I couldn't do it alone & the worst would be having to crawl back & ask for help. I know that would just kill me mentally.

I am looking for work. I've applied to 2 PT jobs that I think I'd like. I don't wanto get a crappy job that I'd resent & hate. I'm trying to think this through & make careful decisions. My niche market, where I'd fit best is small, so I look carefully.

Last yr I lost my 29 yr old nephew to a successful suicide & had to watch my family go thru it. It was difficult, but also brought other feelings to the table like jealousy.
As of today & hopefully in the future I hope not to go down that road just for the sake of my kids. The amount of damage it would cause them. So I know I have to wipe that away.
But on my bad days I actually (hate to say) I resent my kids for being here as a preventative! Now that's some twisted thinking! And I hate to admit that, but it's true.
My thinking has gotten so twisted it's almost laughable & I know it's not logical so sometimes I have to be careful of my own self & check in on myself bec I'm just not sure what is logical anymore.
Has my marriage to my SO warped my thinking & changed me so much that I don't recognize my true self.
Really I'm not sure who that is. Feels like a baby at my age.

All this type of thinking crap keeps me up at night & gets deep. Maybe too deep.

[Mike_J]

I knew my marriage was falling apart for years, I begged my wife to go to marriage counseling with me for years. I decided that when our daughter graduated High School and went to college I would file for divorce if things weren't at least on a path for improvement. My now ex-wife decided she wanted to split up when our daughter was still in Junior High. Looking back I wish I would have filed years sooner.

I would start collecting all of your family finances, just make sure you know about all of it. Being prepared doesn't mean you have to do anything, but it will mean if you do decided to leave you will be better prepared, also it will keep you from being blindsided like I was if your husband makes your decision for you.

Also you should consult with a lawyer, many will give you a free initial consultation, it will give you information on what you can expect in your state as far as division of assets, alimony, and child support. Once again doing this doesn't mean you have to leave just means that you can make informed choices. Information is power, stock up!

[RainyDay107]

You get half of the money, the assets. If you all are in a good position financially---you will not be broke. You get 50%. That includes the value of the cars (equity) and equity in your home, his 401(k)...anything earned during the marriage.

Depending on the state (ask a divorce lawyer they give free consultations)...you may well be entitled to alimony. If he works a lot and you've raised the kids...you may end up having more custody time. He will be ordered to pay child support.

My prior therapist was also a child counselor, family counselor, marriage therapist and divorce mediator. My marriage counseling had failed (H said it was a waste and made no changes to improve our marriage).

My therapist gave me two pieces of wise advice:

1. Decide if you want to stay in or get out. Don't go back and forth as a couple. If you want out, get a good divorce attorney, and GET OUT and STAY OUT. If you want to remain married, COMMIT and STAY.
2. He said it is not the fact that parents divorce -- it's HOW they divorce that impacts the kids. Let the kids be kids. Keep them out of the process, the arguments, don't talk bad about the other parent.

I left a 20 year marriage. My daughter is much happier and is glad we divorced. She loves both parents and we split custody.

Was it easy? No. Do I regret getting divorced? No. I'm happy....my marriage was abusive and I have a new lease on life. I'm free. I met a wonderful man, too. There's life after divorce.

I had to make my exit quick for my safety. I had a plan of where to go live. I told him I wanted a divorce. He was shocked and angry, but agreed. I walked out the door quickly, as he was trying to force me to stay in the home. I had what's called a "high-conflict" divorce. Talk to a divorce attorney (don't tell your H) on how to make your departure if you're in a controlling or abusive marriage. Don't threaten divorce. If you decide to divorce, GET OUT and STAY OUT, as my therapist told me.

Take care, whatever you decide. Your children will adapt and will be fine if you keep them out of the process.

[Elizabear]

I relate to this post so much. I wish I had some advice for you. I do not...but just wanted to let you know you are not alone.