Hope and Fear

Today, little hope, lots of fear.

I've been married now for 8 years and in the past couple of years I've bounced back and forth between the title: Hope and Fear. I so so so so wanted our marriage to work; When we married I felt as if the universe aligned and we were fated to be together. And I hoped and hoped and worked and worked on being a good dad and a good husband.

But in the end I can't: I feel like it would be wonderful to feel loved and protected and cared for. But I dont feel that way at all: I feel fear, I feel I am assaulted daily, weekly, metaphorically and literally--when I walk around my apartment I think, oh yes, there's the door she smashed and I patched up, there,s the blank space on the wall where she smashed the picture... And every two weeks when my wife is screaming that i should get my s**t and move out or she's moving out, and then there's the laundry list of complaints and accusations and violence despite all that I have spent far too much time hoping I'll be able to fix it, and read her mind and be able to be the perfect husband and perfect dad...and yet I understand whatever makes her mad NOW it'll be something else next week or next year and she'll always say it's somebody else's fault and she's the victim.

So as scary and depressing as separation and divorce is going to be, I'm so miserable now being at the malevolant mercy of this woman that I'd rather risk the misery of not having money or credit or a place to live. Okay that's it, sorry to complain on and on.

Having been down the divorce path once...and probably going again..I can tell you this...it's scary, emotionally speaking. For myself, I felt like a chump..not having seen the signs of adultery, the manipulations and emotional abuse.
I will say this...it's going to hurt..I felt like a failure, wondered what I could have done better...I didn't beg though...I wanted to keep that fragment of my dignity.
I won't suggest one choice or another, that's something you have to suss out. but yeah, either choice is a hard one..
I hope my rambling discourse helped

Divorce is living hell. It just is. I'm 3 years removed from my wife telling me she was filing and it still hurts like I can't believe. It changes a person. It really does. I used to believe in a lot of good things that I just don't believe in anymore. Hang in there. It will ease up little by little. A person learns to adjust.

Sigh...here's the update.
I spent a lot of Memorial Day Weekend looking at apartments and neighborhoods. I guess my wife realized I was serious because she spent Memorial Monday and Tuesday tearfully apologizing: "every marriage deserves a do-over". So we spent 18 days trying to do things differently. It started off well enough. She even--at last!-- agreed to see a marriage counselor. We never got the chance though. Today she started to build up a towering rage and she ended up storming out of her neice's graduation party and stranding us in a parking lot far away from home while she drove off. I feel a little bad because for my part I said 18 days ago I would try to be better at all the things she complains about, and I have been working my butt off. But the reality is I didnt trust her, and I knew she'd go off on a rage bender soon and I kept thinking that trying to fix things was futile. Probably not the best way of going on in a relationship,eh? My bad. I feel like we might have had a chance if we'd seen a counselor a year ago. I do feel sorry for her though--so many of her friends seem to be keeping their distance from her these days but i know i can't fix her or even help her. I asked her mother and father how many times they slapped, kicked, punched, thrown things at or spat on each other. Her Mom admitted to one thrown tv remote and her dad was surprised: "why would i slap her?--she's my wife!" I dont think they believe that my wife did any of that to me. I'm so tired of trying to convince them. I'm so tired of getting the **** beaten out of me. And I hate myself for not just leaving, because it's really pretty scary. Ok, thats enough rambling for the evening. I should write more when I have positive things to say.

You can't be responsible for the storms raging in her...as much as you'd like to. When it comes down to it, all you can look to is yourself. Counselling only works if both parties are committed(myself I was afraid to bring stuff up because the SO would become combative afterwards).
Be empathetic, by all means, but try to remember to take care of you...be kind to yourself..there are some things you can't change.