[ladyofmistakes]

Two weeks ago my husband exploded and announced he wants a divorce. He will not consider any other options, such as a break or separation. It's like overnight he hates me. He has stonewalled all his resentments and feelings and now it is just awful times 10, because the divorce is awful enough. I will be left destitute. I have no money, no place to live except at Mom's house, no job or even job experience, no degree-- nothing. I will have to auction off most of my possessions, at least the big stuff cause there's nowhere to store them. We were together 16 years.

He wants NOTHING to do with me. I've made quite a few mistakes and I want to show him that I can and will improve on those things. I want to prove to him that we can do it! I know we can. Because I CANNOT and will not live without him. He was my best friend. My everything. And he was wonderful. He doesn't want to hear any of it. He said he is done and that is final.

But how can I do anything at all if he refuses to see me or talk to me? I currently am living in our house, and he's staying at a friend's until he gets his own place. HOW can I do it? This marriage means EVERYTHING to me!! Please Help.

[unaluna]

Get a divorce lawyer. Why would he get everything? Did you charge up tons on credit cards or something? Gambling? I dont understand.

[LifeSupport]

I'm here to bring you life. I noticed this is what you said:

"I want to prove to him that we can do it! I know we can. Because I CANNOT and will not live without him."

I'm not here to judge or control you. If you are willing, I simply would like to know the feelings you had by saying these things and what meanings you have connected to these feelings.

[ladyofmistakes]

Sorry for the misunderstanding. I don't know how i conveyed he would get everything. We will split what is ours. We will sell the house.

When I said I'll be left destitute, it means I have just nothing, and no we will not profit from selling our home. Yew we have some debt. I don't know why that's important to my question but thanks.

[Have Hope]

I totally get the fact that it's scary as hell because you're probably wondering how can you exist and live on your own without a job or work experience. But, it CAN be done, you can get an entry level job to help support yourself, but you may have to live within certain means. Will you get at least some money from the sale of the home? You said you can live with your mom? Sounds like that will be the best option here. I'm so sorry for your pain, & I do understand it sincerely because I am going through a divorce myself, but I think accepting reality will work best in your situation, especially since he refuses to listen to you or to speak with you. It's also a bit concerning when you say that you cannot and will not live without him. I think coming back to reality and realizing that it's over on his end will help you to move forward. Acceptance is key here - and I say this with the utmost compassion. I feel for ya.

[divine1966]

Why don’t you have any job experience? Are you on disability? Are your children too young to attend school?

He’d have to pay you alimony if you never worked. You’ll have to ask for it.

But after the divorce I recommend you start working on becoming independent. Nowadays women simply cannot live without career and stable income. Being fully dependent on others always back fires. It’s not too late to start rebuilding your life.

It’s good you could stay at moms. That will be helpful

I think you’d benefit from therapy. Divorce is hard. Hang in there

[unaluna]

Sorry for the misunderstanding.

[ladyofmistakes]

Thank you all so much for your words. Since I married him almost 16 years ago, I haven't worked. And at that time I was still messing around in college so just had the usual, menial school job. No real experience. I've always wanted to be a housewife, ever since I was little. Have no idea why.

We have no children, and I have severe social anxiety. Having to get any job that isn't online is more than terrifying for me. I'm not on disability yet. Not until after the divorce. I Hope I qualify, as I have a couple other severe medical conditions also. I am seeing a counselor. She's not very much help, and where I live there are very few options of other ones. I'm pretty sure a person can't get alimony in this state. But if I can, my "lawyer" will be sure I get it. I put that into quotations because she's a friend of the family. Although we will pay, we're also getting a nice discount.

Living at my moms just makes me so incredibly sad. We're close, but we fight and get on each other's nerves Often. She has 7 cats and a small 2 bedroom house. I just stayed there for one week and I felt horrible. I just can't imagine it being healthy to live in a place that you're so very unhappy.

So when I say I cannot and will not love without him-- I cannot because of so many reasons, and yes I did become pretty dependent on him to help me with things. I just had to drive to the drugstore myself which is about 10 miles maybe? I'm not good with measurements. It was so super scary for me. This is terrible, but I don't even know how to pay for gas nowadays since things have changed so much. Please don't get too irritated with me!

I say will not because I just Have to do whatever I can to keep this marriage! Marriage is incredibly important to me. No, I'm not going to go kill him, but admittedly I have had thoughts about myself. They won't go anywhere. But that's why I'm seeing a therapist and I joined this forum to read others' stories and get advice from all of you. Nothing terrible even happened! He bottled everything up all these years, then just let's it out in one big blast because of a normal couples fight that triggered it, and now wants a divorce and I'm the most horrific person in the world to him! It isn't fair! I know- life isn't fair. But geeze he won't even accept a text from me.

I'm probably being an idiot, but I still have hope in my heart that maybe after a long, long cool-off period, he'll perhaps start to miss me and even perhaps rethink what happened. Still though, I ao much want to show him that I can and will change the few things he mentioned that actually Are changeable. I'm completely willing. But I'm at a roadblock. With that, and with accepting that he doesn't want me anymore. It's hard to when he used to tell me all the time that he does and he will and etc etc. He was always the sure one about us! Yes, I am having an incredibly hard time accepting. And thinking of just what I can do. Any ideas and I'm all ears. And advice, thoughts, relatable stories,... anything! He really is a wonderful guy.

[Nammu]

I very much doubt his feelings are overnight. This has probably been building for some time. It is very concerning that you declare you can not and will not live without him, I urge you to speak of this with a trained mental health professional.

[TishaBuv]

I’m sorry you are going through this. Your husband refusing to discuss is very painful and frustrating. You need to protect yourself and get an attorney asap. A therapist would also be helpful for you emotionally. If the relationship was very good (as you saw it), and he suddenly flipped on you, it’s very shocking and hard to handle your emotions. You may feel right now like you can’t live without him, but you can. Be gentle with yourself and get through this. Sending you strength and support.

[LifeSupport]

My divorce story has similar elements to yours. I didn't want the divorce. My wife left. I felt like I was going to die when she left. Severe anxiety and depression followed. I literally had to force myself to go to work.

I have learned now some important things since then. I know who I am and who I am not. All the misconceptions from the feelings I got about myself were lies which was who I am not. I let go of the lies and accepted the truth about myself. Now I am able to love myself(which I have never done prior), love others freely and create the life I want. Life works best inside out. You must go within or you will go without. There is no freedom in need. You don't need your husbands love you want it. Any resistance to your abilities are picked up by your husband. This falls under the universal law of cause and effect. You are the cause and life is the effect. Your resistance is reflected back to you by your husband wanting to divorce you.

From the little bit you wrote about yourself not being able to work, you might consider being a house wife is a job. I imagine you did the following and correct me if I'm wrong, cook, clean, laundry, buy groceries, drive to get things, do errands etc. All these things means you are capable. That is the truth. Any misconception that you have about yourself that you are not capable would be a lie.

As others have said therapy will help. With therapy, you might want to set some goals with your therapist, one being a part time job. It is possible your husband might sense a change when you decide you don't need him but you do want him.

I wish you much love and success in what ever you decide to create in your life.

[Open Eyes]

How old is your husband?

[ladyofmistakes]

He's 40.

[TishaBuv]

I must have been typing while you were and didn’t see your post #8 before.

What you described sounds somewhat encouraging. He did voice some concerns that you think you can maybe work on. Not that I am jumping to any conclusions that you do need to change anything about yourself that he addressed. But it’s maybe something to look at. It sounds like you had a good relationship, if not too dependent though.

I can relate to what you are feeling about fear of being independent. This may have been part of his issue with you. You will have to work on this for yourself either way, whether you are able to get back together or do get divorced.

If he’s not speaking to you right now, I wouldn’t push it. There may be opportunity to talk as the divorce progresses. It isn’t final until it is.

[Open Eyes]

Between Covid changing so many lives and now this horrible inflation making it so hard to make ends meet when it was already a challenge, there has been an increase in divorces. Your husband is probably burnt out. Too many things for him to handle.

People all have their limits and they get to a point where they throw in the towel and say enough, I’m done. This is a very negative state of mind. At 40 years old most feel that they should feel stable and more accomplished. Between Covid and this extra challenging economy MANY have been struggling silently. A person wants freedom from living the life they don’t want that now only brings stress.

It’s not uncommon for an unhappy spouse to endure silently until they reach that breaking point of what can seem suddenly over nite as you describe. It sounds like it’s the whole picture he no longer wants. That is usually the reason a spouse won’t even sit and talk or have a discussion.

If he has been the sole provider, typically he will be required to pay alimony. My advice is to stay in your home, do not move out and you may need to borrow some money from your mother to talk to a lawyer and find out your legal rights. States vary when it comes to what rights a spouse has in a divorce.

[ladyofmistakes]

Thank you so much Open Eyes. That sounds exactly on the mark. Some other people around me have suggested there may be another woman, and I agree things may sound like that's a possibility. He says there isn't. And he's never been that type of guy, as far as I know. I hope I'm right in trusting him.

That he doesn't want the whole picture anymore, does this mean he doesn't love me anymore either? I have thought of this possibility also. It's awful. I just can't imagine that he didn't. Even up to the very last day he said and did his normal, loving things he always did.

Accepting, realizing, letting go, just even getting this into my head that he's gone and doesn't want me anymore has so far proven to be possibly the most difficult thing I have ever had to do in my life. My mom, who has also been divorced, says divorce is like a death. I agree except that I'm not sure it wouldn't be easier, For Me, if he really had died. Every day and all the time I try to realize and accept. But no matter how hard I try, there is always this little bit of hope in me that things could change. That he could change his mind after a long cool off period. Probably because that's what I would love to have happen, but I just cannot get that hope to die. I'm probably being an idiot and just setting myself up for more pain. I don't know how to get that hope to die. And I do Not know how to stop loving him or thinking about him or wishing everything was back how it used to be. He was and is a Wonderful person. There is nothing that he wouldn't do for me (used to be that way). Yes I'm angry about quite a number of things, but being angry doesn't seem to help. Mornings are the worst for me. I wake up and have to be reminded all over again that he isn't here and most likely won't be coming back. But I cannot accept that as the truth that he won't come back and I just don't know how to Make myself! I know it'll take time. But it still it's hard to even imagine that something like all this could be happening. And the only resource I have is my mom. He has a career, friends - to stay at their place and to have them help him move, he has knowledge of cars and homes and things about and around homes that need fixing like a broken sink drain or whatever. I have nothing. I feel SO LOST. Again, I do Not know how to even Realize all this!! I do not know what to do or where to start with anything. I really don't. One day at a time, it'll take time.... but that doesn't help with HOW or WHAT. I feel desperate and helpless.

P.S. I don't mean to seem like I'm screaming or yelling-- at anyone or in general. Just wanted to add emphasis with the exclamation marks.

[ladyofmistakes]

He hates me for things that have happened and all added up over the time of our entire 16 year marriage. How in the world does Anyone do anything about that?! Some of the things, he told me he forgave me for years and years ago. Some things he has mentioned a couple times and that's it. Some things I knew nothing about at all, even though he claims to have talked to me about. We none of us are perfect. But he says he wants to make his life better and improve it. I had no idea I was bad for his life. That hurts so deep. It hurts he won't tell me any more details any more either. He's just angry, cold, and doesn't care. He Doesn't Care. He just wants to be divorced and I just want to scream to him How?! Why?! You promised to ALWAYS!!! How in the world can a person feel such Strong Negative Emotions about the person he supposedly loved and cherished for So long?! I just don't get it! And I don't think I can make it through. I don't want to go on without him!!

[Open Eyes]

People do profess love and then end up divorcing all the time. Even the most beautiful talented women have experienced this.

[ladyofmistakes]

But how can he not care about Anything. Even if it wasn't all of a sudden. Even if it's been months that he's been feeling this way. I just don't get it.?
And I'm still stuck and lost and.... about Everything I said I am before. Guys, this is all just a joke right? You're all going to tell me soon that hahaha- none of this is happening!

[Have Hope]

@ladyofmistakes what happened in your last fight, specifically, and specifically what mistakes have you made in the marriage? if you don't want to answer, that's Ok, but you mention that you've made quite a few mistakes and that your last fight was basically the end of it all for him. So what specifically went on or down in your marriage? Perhaps getting to the bottom of that will help to enlighten you more about his decision to end it.

[Angry Fairy]

He's having an affair

[ladyofmistakes]

That's really nice, thanks.

[HopelessinCT]

Have you tried a separation counselor?

[sadmanagain]

Originally Posted by ladyofmistakes

He just wants to be divorced and I just want to scream to him How?! Why?! You promised to ALWAYS!!! How in the world can a person feel such Strong Negative Emotions about the person he supposedly loved and cherished for So long?! I just don't get it! And I don't think I can make it through. I don't want to go on without him!!

I am so sorry for what you are going through and I can relate to your statements.
I found out 4 days ago this is my reality also after 28 years with my wife who is my everything . Yet she says she still loves me and that its tearing her apart as well . Why are you asking for a Divorce then? I don't get it and it has me so depressed

[Open Eyes]

Wanting a divorce doesn’t always mean there is another person involved. Often it’s more about a person’s unhappiness with where they are in life and the stress of keeping up with the responsibilities of whatever their lifestyle requires.

There has been a tremendous amount of stress on many due to the impact Covid had on our entire economy and ability to interact socially.

It may not just be you personally but instead the overall stress and unhappiness your husband has been experiencing that has been building up in him personally. Often not wanting to talk comes from not even knowing how to talk about what he is experiencing.

Inflation has been horrible! All essentials are more expensive and some states are worse than others in terms of cost of living and taxes. That’s a lot of stress and it may have been affecting his ability to earn enough income to keep up.

If you have not been working and have been a dependent you are out of how stressful things have become. So how can he talk to you about it?