I Think I Learned Too Late:

Random things said recently:

"Your lifestyle of power, influence and status is something i never wanted."

Things said last year:

"You know, the law firm is a far more respectable job than being a musician."

I took a HUGE pay cut when i left the world of a professional, studio musician. I was earning what some 1st and 2nd uear attorneys make.

Your wife sends confusing messages. First she says she never loved you and now she says she did love you. She says crying is a weakness and she rarely cried and now she is crying?

Perhaps her real fear is losing control.

This change may not be authentic but a Hoover method to manipulate you into giving her control back.

This is HER opinion and many music artists will share how a parent devalued their desire to engage a career in music. Same can be true for the performing arts where many end up very successful.

Plenty of men get a law degree and fail miserably at it.

Personally, I think it’s wise to have a plan B in case a passion doesn’t lead to a means to self sustaining financially.

Its big time confusing. Im just trying to make the most of every day.

What your wife fails to understand is when someone engages in creating music, they are exposing their sole. Playing an instrument and using vocals tends to come from within the person. So when a person is put down for that it’s actually very cruel.

In 2011, i was newly divorced and living/working in Miami, Florida as a studio musician. I rented a place in a 55-up community (a loophole allowed former police and military to reside there before age 55) and for one year, i did nothing but go to work and go home and meditate.

No clubbing.

No dating.

I pulled in $211,000 in 12 months with just a Gibson Les Paul

Did you ever see the movie August Rush ?

That’s one of my favorite movies.

It devastated me. It still does a little.

My managing partner attorney (female) told me, "Please assure me you won't chase this person. You deserve to be with someone who adores you and supports your passions.

All my female clients comment on your positive vibe. Not only are you a skilled team member, your Rock Hudson good looks and towering presence, coupled with your gentle-giant mannerisms, brought an element of sex appeal into our office, which is very good for business.

Don't let this person, your wife, don't see yourself through her lens. I have 30 year old female clients who call in advance of coming to the office to see if you are here, so they know if they can get away with wearing sweats or not.

You are bright and gifted. You speak several languages and your ability to recall and apply case law astounds me. With you, its just a natural.

All things happen for a purpose and if you are being torn out of someone's life, ots because something better is coming..."

It’s good that you have people around you that can see your talents and appreciate and respect those talents.

Your wife is incapable of that. That’s her character and nothing you can do will change that about her.

You have to be careful as it seems you tend to be attracted to the kind of person that can and always will be unhealthy for you.

This is a fact that is my historical failing. I think its because of my low self esteem and unhealed trauma

Your wife is a chronic sour puss. She is the one who wants to break your spirit. It's ticking her off that you might actually come out of this sick marriage with your soul intact and open to a better life. You don't come across as power-hungry and status-obsessed. Your career path has been a natural evolution from law enforcement to eventual attorney. She's creating a straw man to knock down. She tried putting on an act of being spiritually enlightened, but it was all a fraud. Now what's coming through is that she is really spiritually bankrupt. She's petty and mean-spirited. You wanted to part with mutual respect. Not her. She's determined that you must be the bad guy and she must be the innocent martyr. Despite all that she formerly said, she does not belief in no-fault divorce. She wants to assign blame, and it's all going to be put on you. She's going to descend to lower and lower levels of ugliness. She wants you totally depressed. You are starting to show that you can cope with the loss of this so-called marriage. That has her totally frustrated. She planned to be all serene, talking about a soul-contract reaching expiration, while you were expected to be a complete mess. You were supposed to keep begging for her love, while she remained emotionally aloof. Somehow the table got turned because, though heart-broken, you are moving forward. She can't stand that you might come out of this okay. What evilness! What goes on in her mind is truly corrupt. Leastways, that's how she strikes me.

I'm praying for change, blessings and keeping a positive outlook.

I'm ok with the divorce. Things got bad and its time to move past this.

For now, all i can do is sit and wait.

Toxic people actually look for individuals with low self esteem because they know they can play their push and pull game of being nice and loving then being cold and aloof. This is their method of control. This is NOT love for another person, this is all about control. Often the victim unknowingly gets trained to accept this within their nervous system. It’s very common with partners of alcoholics because alcoholics notoriously have these narcissistic behavior patterns. A lot depends on where the alcoholic/addict is in terms of how much alcohol they have in their system. Unfortunately even after a person stops drinking they can still experience these mood changes and this is called dry drunk behavior.

I think that it can be helpful to you if you trace your history and find out how your low self esteem developed. Often this developed in childhood. It could be from a parent or even an older sibling.

Your wife talks a lot about healing. Well, she cannot expect others to wait around until she feels healed. That is something that may never come for her.

My concern for you is that you figure out where your own insecurities are so you don’t end up choosing another unhealthy partner.

I feel like im already feeling better about myself and that's a significant step.

When you are exposed to people who are respectful and capable of caring you begin to hear much needed positives. This is affirming your worth and is very healing.

When you are exposed to someone who attacks your ego and confuses you it has a very negative affect on your brain and can trigger you to go into survival mode. Being stuck in survival mode gets the amygdala going and it begins to disable the frontal lobe that we need to think and engage in a healthy constructive and productive way.

Your wife attacks things about you that are positive and healthy but in a way that keeps you confused. This destabilizes you in a way where she gains control. She gives out a lot of strange wordsalads that have a strange somewhat religious tone mixed in. She starves you and then throws you a tiny bone of hope. That is known as emotional abuse.

You need to choose people who are positive and healthier. And you need to have this for a while so you get stronger and healthier instead of becoming confused by around someone who pushes you into this confused unhealthy mindset.

Wow! Yes!

Don't pray for change. Accept that your wife wants to treat you in ugly, underhanded ways. She won't chane. You cannot make her change. You can prevent her attempts from successfully destroying you and that is what you should do.

Last night, it was wonderful to come home. Nothing had changed with her, but everything changed with me. I felt calm, relaxed, and loving.

We talked about the leaking shower head, the need for tires on one car and just life and living in general.

For the first time since this kicked off with the breakup text on July 2, 2023, i feel at peace and like it's totally cool, no matter what happens.

I did tell her that i think her previous suggestions, about starting to separate some of the household bills, was smart, like car insurance, cell phone plans, but not in a rush.

She kinda flipped out a little.

She had told me that my presence there was painful, (because she sees how we started and where we are at now) so i offered to leave if that would help her heal.

She said, "Not even through all of this have i seriously considered splitting up the car insurance and phone plan, but you are so cold and calculating Machiavellian that you already have it all planned out. I spoke out of anger.

I told you i had no love for you when i was hurt and checked out.

I wanted the divorce, not to be away from you, but to divorce the painful memories. And everyday, you hurt me all over again with your words.

And, since I've woke up from being checked out, i have not told you once that i wanted to be away from you, i just need time to heal and you have to know where everything is going and try to control it and you won't give me time or peace.

But, now, you have revealed your plan to leave and i know that its coming and i know i have to scramble to find a way to replace the income, because you, this flip-flop person, just isn't dependable, but I'll be ok. You go and do what your heart desires."

I said, "I just feel like its wise to have a Plan B. I'm still here. Ive never left.

4 years we didn't make out or make love and i stayed. Yes, i got angry because i couldn't figure it out. Yes it hurt. Yes it destroyed my self-esteem, starved me for love, but my loyalty and the value of my word bound me.

No matter what i say, you interpret something different, something i could have never imagined when i said it to you.

I think we need to just stop talking.

It doesn't make anything better.

Im just going to go to my room and work on me. The person inside of me who is terrified and who flip-flops from vulnerability to self-protection.

This is all just too crazy to figure out."

My mind always needs things to make sense and it short circuits when i cannot find a rational explanation.

Now I'm in my office. My safe place. Im a big, strong man, with a stuffed teddy bear on my desk.

I'm hurting, crying and just wishing that i felt something different.