I Think I Learned Too Late:

My wife called me today, wanting help with the logistics of a Home Depot return.

Everything went greatband i secured the replacement shower head, plus got her refund.

Then, suddenly, she went off on this tangent about how I'm still playing music, without regard for how that hurts her and she feels like she needs to unfriend me on Facebook because she can't stop following my posts about my performances, even though there are no "girlie" stuff EVER posted.

Also, she again accused me of being romantically involved with our former singer, which never happened, something her tarot reader told her was true, but in my heart i know that i never touch that woman, but my wife just won't let it go and its painful to hear her hurting from this.

She has no right to put you down for engaging in your passion She has no right to try to control you given you are legally separated and she has repeatedly told you she wants to end your relationship. She should not even be tracking you on Facebook.

I restricted her profile on FB. Now, my posts are invisible, but i don't post - or take - suggestive photos. Its just us playing.

It’s important to pay attention to what is said so you can see it for what it really is instead of absorbing it in a way that is unhealthy for you. Selfish and self centered people always need to put themselves as being the center of power where gains only happen because of them. These individuals always are the victim when anything bad happens. They represent the child that doesn’t want to share and only gives when it benefits them. They tend to need others to believe that any gains others experience only happened because of this toxic person.

There is nothing wrong with you engaging in playing your guitar and performing and getting attention. A toxic/disordered person will resent it because it is not something that benefits them and instead poses a threat to their ability to be the center of attention. As a result these statements that devalue your personal way of self empowerment are only reflecting how it makes the toxic person feel threatened and insecure.

Placing your worth in the hands of this kind of individual will only lead to constant sacrifice and misery. You will be forced to carry the shame a toxic/disordered person cannot. It is this truth that a toxic/disordered person fiercely protects. The power must always be theirs. This is why it is advised to disengage as much as possible and work on building your own independent sense of self.

One thing i am sure of. I have done everything i could to repair the relationship. I've suggested every kind of therapy and strategy and I'm seriously overwhelmed with grief that she chose to dump me/run away rather than work on fixing this, not so we could relive the past, but so that we could have a future.

I hate hearing her cry. It really upsets me, especially when i feel like I'm responsible for the hurt feelings.

Well, you know that saying, “you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make t drink”. It’s very true.

She told me yesterday that music destroyed our marriage and the fact that i am still actively performing, shows a complete disregard for her feelings and emotional state.

How did music destroy the mattiage?

She cites the lonliness and my emotional unavailability as the biggest causes of the marriage failure.

However, she also claims that "a spirit revealed to her" that i cheated on her with our female vocalist, which never happened.

I've been cheated on and i wouldn't do it to somebody else.

My wife and i, up until recently, have had real-time, family GPS tracking and no passwords on either of our phones, plus, the female vocalist was deeply involved with one of our guitarists. And i made sure i was NEVER alone with her and her husband was present at all our rehearsals and performances, plus, i always sent my wife photos of us as a group rehearsing.

@Open Eyes - id admit to anything that i did and take ownership of it, but this i did not do.

I love my wife and i took my commitment to her, God and our marriage dead seriously. There was zero temptation there.

Even if i wasn't married, ive never been attracted to Caucasian women. Not at all. My wife is a kind of Salma Hayek-esque look-alike and even to this day, i haven't seen a more beautiful, exotic woman than her. I was 100% totally smitten by everything about her, so there was nothing i could get - even physically - anywhere else and i stayed 4 years celibate hoping things would come back around.

Ugh, just noticed how my phone messed up the word marriage

Were you playing every night? Traveling with the band?

A spirit revealed to her? This is crap and usually chalks up to one’s own paranoia and deep fears and insecurities. Proof of that is that you know it’s not true. My sister used to go down this path too and it was never true or a reality.

This can be a form of gaslighting one’s self which is very unhealthy. It often comes with a need for control and to hang onto one’s delusions.

The only time being a musician becomes a problem is when drugs and alcohol is part of the mix. That is when cheating and other problems arise.

People who become drug and alcohol dependent damage the part of their brain that creates dopamine. After the initial boost that alcohol brings in terms of stimulating dopamine production, more consumption reverses that and begins to cause damage and disables the frontal executive function of the brain.

Actually, it’s an effort to not feel shame and is a draw for narcissists who do not know how to process shame.

Ok so you like dark featured Mexican/Hispanic looking women. Understand 😉. What about Catherine Zeta Jones? Latina women can have those dark eyes, skin and hair.

We played every night, but were home every night, but i was too wiped out to be much good to anyone.

The first girl i ever 'noticed as a youngster was a Latina and i could never shake the attraction. Its not just the physical appearance, but also the fire they have.

Once you've felt it, there's no going back.

Well that would be hard on a relationship.

But now you only play one night a week. It’s still your passion and should not be considered a threat.

I'm so tired of all the pressure and emotional upheaval. I wish i could take a few months off.

Whenever you deal with someone that constantly devalues you, it IS emotionally exhausting.

I honestly am familiar with this kind of exhaustion personally. The only thing you can do is distance and have as little exposure as possible. This type of person knows how to draw you back in and it always ends up just being more toxic.

I have the best job I've ever had, which is also the most demanding job ever, and I'm literally on the verge of just giving up.

I'm exhausted and I'm not sure how much longer i can keep going on empty.

Thank you @Open Eyes and @Tart Cherry Jam for everything

That’s good that you find your job so fulfilling.

It’s not the job that tires you out. Instead it’s more due to emotional anxiety you are experiencing.

That’s something you need to separate out so you can feel more safe and comfortable. Similar to realizing that while you liked your black car it got to be too much work to keep it the way you wanted.

Have you ever had a message?

This depression is really making it hard for me to function. It comes like a wave sometimes.

Well, you've sent me a few messages. :-)