I Think I Learned Too Late:

Personally, I am cautious when someone uses phrases and explanations with a special powers flavor. My older sister did that also claiming to have special powers and predictions all the while she was extorting thousands of dollars from my parents.

This special powers magical mystical stuff has been used as a form of manipulation throughout human history. Aka Charles Manson koolaide, don’t drink the poison from the Jim Jones types.

Last night's performance was really intense. We got really great reviews from the crowd and the other bands present.

I didn't get home until around 4am.

Let me tell you what happened.

Our drummer showed up with this stunning latina that he introduced as a "friend" of his. I was the only bandmember without a significant other present.

The drummer introduced us and i asked about her musical interests. She replied, "Anything musical, although Judas Priest/Heavy Metal isnt my first choice, i drum, so i really can get into any beat."

I asked if this was her first time at one of our shows and she said, "Ya, well, i been to rehearsals over at Dave's (drummer) before you signed on with them."

I reached into the pocket of my red, leather motorcycle jacket and slipped her a pair of disposable ear plugs.

I said, Well, you might need these. We gotta be loud to project to the back of the room, so if your hearing is sensitive, you might need them"

She said, "Oh Wow! Thats so sweet! "Thank you!"

We get our gear set up, played 90 minute set, then we broke down our equipment, stored it in our cars, and watched the other bands.

Im sitting with our drummer and his "friend" and they really give off a total "friend" vibe and not at all a romantic one. We are just chatting about the bands and music in general, when our drummer says he met her 10 years ago through a drum group and they have known each other ever since.

Now, this "friend" appears younger than the drummer or me (I'm 57 and the drummer is 53) and I'm guessing she's maybe 42 or so, and I'm not thinking anything at all about her, other than she was strangely attractive.

She's 5'-10, long, reddish/brown hair, layered and impeccably styled. She wore prescription glasses that had this cute/sexy/brainy vibe going on, nearly no makeup other than eyeliner, killer smile, black, plunge neckline sleeveless top, really outstanding upper arm tone, flawless complexion, black Guess jeans and combat boots.

She's very unique looking, but favors Sophia Vergara in regards to facial structure.

Ok, so I'm just being honest here. I found her visually appealing (i wasn't getting or thinking along the lines of a sexual vibe) and she gave off a great, high energy vibe and almost a warm aura around her.

Now she had a good deal of cleavage visible, but it was, by no means, over the top provocative, like you see some women literally spilling out of their blouse, but i couldn't look at them, even though i would say that im hugely sttracted to a woman's breasts.

Instead, i couldn't stop staring at her eyes and her mouth.

Her full lips and perfect teeth...and just the way she moved her mouth and the way her eyes darted back and forth when she spoke was just mesmerizing, but i tell myself just be cool, she's a younger woman. Don't creep her out.

My internal narrative at the time was - nobody is going to want to become friends with a screw up that's spent 4 years living in the extra room, staying married for medical coverage and living in limbo. Just be cool, don't lock eyes with her because there's something in her gaze that's kinda msgical, so keep it light, change the subject often and keep her talking about herself, goals, interests, hobbies, etc.

Whew!!!

Suddenly, she leans over in my ear and says, "Wow, you guys really killed it! Everybody was commenting on your energy and your smile. You were just on fire and when you kissed the neck of your Les Paul (the guitar i play) the girl's started screaming. This was a super fun event!"

Then she kinda stays there for a quiet moment, like she was gonna say something else, but doesn't, and she's hovering over my right ear and then says, "God, you smell good."

To which, i replied, "Oh, wow, thank you so much! That's very sweet of you to say."

(I always wear Obsession cologne, even if im doing yard work and especially when sweating/performing, and i have always put a puff into both ears and my neck so its noticeable even after lots of sweating and i had already changed into a fresh t-shirt)

I excuse myself to go and talk to some of the other bands. When i get back to the table, i notice she is chatting with an nicely groomed older guy (my age I'm assuming) about this drum group, so i just chill and i ordered one Stella-Artois. I'm sitting just to her left and our drummer is gone by now, out visiting other performers.

I'm not really paying attention to anything more about their conversation and I'm justbscrolling through my phone looking at the pics i had just taken, picked out a few to post on Facebook and was just writing a post when i felt her tough my right upper arm.

When i turned to acknowledge her, we are suddenly eye-locked. We are kinda frozen for a few moments. There's a amazing kindness in her eyes and we are just kinda frozen so i wink and make a silly face.

She smiles, looks down, raises her right hand and brushes her hair up over her right ear, then looks up and says, "i couldn’t help but notice a picture on your phone, as you were scrolling, of you holding a teddy bear."

I said, "On yes! That's Rilakhuma, my favorite character. He's from a Japanese claymation cartoon about how he teaches a workaholic main character the meaning of life and slowing down enough to watch birds in a nest and that kinda stuff."

She looks at me with a very curious look. I was preparing to defend a "pervert with teddy bears" comment, so i said, "well, i was a policeman and i served in the military many years ago, and ive seen so much death and suffering that i can't watch anything violent on TV. I guess cartoons are my coping mechanism."

She is looking right at me and i see her bite her lower lip, then kinda roll her eyes upward and exhale, then she rolls her eyes down to me and say excitedly, "Are you serious?! My favorite movies are Disney movies!" So i start naming all my favorites and we start this fun conversation about Disney movies and comedies, etc.

About this time, our table gets swarmed by the other bandmembers, and we are chatting and snapping photos, i can see she is still next to me, but there's so much comotion goig on that I'm not paying her any attention.

Once the table quiets down, she again touches my arm and i feel her breath in my ear and it was like being hit with a bolt of lightning. The hais on my neck stood up and this rush of energy radiated down my neck and goosebumps appeared down both my arms. This tingling feeling went right to the soles of my feet, and to such an extent that i literally wanted to kick my shoes off and scratch the bottoms of my feet on the table legs, but i stayed cool.

She said, "Your Mustang sounds so good, i mean really ballsy. That bright yellow an low stance makes it such a cool 'G' ride. I grew upmaround hot rods and i bought my daughter a Dodge Challenger. " i chuckled, thanked her and said that ive had Mustangs and other hot rods since i was a kid, so i pulled up a pic of me in 1984 with my 1969 Dodge Charger R/T.

She studied the pic and said, "was that your 'G' ride in high school?" She smiled this devilish smile and side-eyed me, then said. "How many girlfriends did you have?

I literally laughed outloud, "None. I was a poor fam kid and nobody even noticed me. I lived on the wrong side of town. Fixing up my car was my only pastime."

She giggled and said, "I would have been your pastime back then if i had met you, no matter how much or little you had. That car and your outfit (black leather motorcycle hat, black long-sleeved shirt, white tie, black jeans and white sneakers) is just so cool and vibing, i mean, that's hot even by today's standards."

I laughed and said, i was 19 in that pic. A lot has changed. My contents have settled."

She threw her head back and laughed, then squeezed my right bicep twice and stomped her chair leg a couple of times, then shook her head giggling.

(Side Notes: my hair is really thick and dark brown. I wear it in a kind of Elvis-ish pompador, and my moustach is blonde (as are eyebrows) with just a touch of gray near the ends. I'm 6'-3" and weigh 207, so I'm "decent" for 57, i think.)

I excuse myself to go and take photos with the other bands and we book a show as a supporting act for this coming weekend.

After a while, i hear our drummer calling me and we go outside. The girl is running her fingers across the hood of my Mustang. She looks up at me and says, "its freshly waxed. What year is it?"

(I should have asked if i could have snapped a photo of this. The girl is really, seriously hot, but i i felt that it would seem desperate, so i chilly-chilled. LOL)

I chuckled and replied "2006."

She replies, " Wow, its so clean. Is it a stick?"

I said, "I've never owned an automatic."

She threw her head back and stomped the ground with her right foot, then said, "This is such a cool 'G' ride." (G-ride is a slang term for a super-cool, often stolen car.) She just keeps walking around it and touching it...LOL, Seriously.

So the drummer and i are talking about the upcoming show and he says to me, "My drum group meets tomorrow. You wanna take my place?"

She appears put of nowhere and says, "You should come and hang out with me!" Our drummer said, "they are the coolest people, Bro, you should go and the beach vibe is just so laid back, positive and cool."

She says, "Call me, here, type in my number!"

So, i type in her number, i call her phone, it rings and she says, "Cool, got it. I'm serious, call me, we'll hang out.!"

So im waving goodbye to everyone and she's walking to her car, a clean, well kept, late-model (but not brand new) silver Mercedes-Benz GLK,

This is not your typical "Rock N Roll" chic's car. I mean, most rocker chics drive pretty average, often best-up, sticker-plastered Camry's, but this is more of a businesswomsn's ride, at least in my mind.

So, i called her by name and said, "bless you, _______, it was really great to meet you."

She turns around from about 40 feet away and throws open her arms and starts walking towards me, so i close the distance and we exchange hugs (no groping whatsover and no such vibe either) and she makes this rambling statement of something like, "God you smell good, call me and we'll hang out, it was nice to meet you and you guys rocked this club down to the ground, God, are your eyes blue? Ok, gotta goo, see ya!"

So, im over an hour from home and about 30 minutes into my drive, my phone rings. Its her. She asked, "Hey! Did you get lost?"

I told her, " i sure did. My navigation has me on surface streets in Irvine and now its scrolling, so im just driving around aimlessly."

(Im not from down here so i depend on navigation and we had discussed my coming from Nor-Cal while at the table."

She replied, Oh! You were behind Dave and me for a while and then you disappeared. I knew it was you behind me because of the amber driving lights, well, anyways, Dave and i stopped for gas and he said to call you to see if you had car trouble or anything like that."

I said, Nope, but i could use directions. "

She said, "Oh! OK! Cool! Where you at?"

I answered "Trabuco Canyon"

She said, "Ok, the 5 freeway is coming up, grab the 5 north, then hop on the 55 north and then the 15 north and you are good."

I thanked her, because i was really, totally, seriously lost. No joking whatsoever.

We talk a little about traffic and then it goes strangely to a discussion on how uncommon it seems to be to be valued as a good person in modern society and how sending out positivity gets more of what you send out, etc.

Then, the conversation shifted to where she lived and plans for later that day, when the drum group starts, and she adked, "you wanna carpool? I'd love to ride in your Mustang. Ive got beach chais and an umbrella, not too big, or we can take my SUV."

I said, "Sure, we can take Mustang. That'll be a fun road trip."

So she asked when she could text details without disturbing me, and i said, "Make life easy, just whenever is fine with me. I'll reply when im up and around."

So odd that the conversation suddenly went to mention of "ex's" and "strange life situations" to which i said, Ha! You have no idea! Wait until we share life stories," to which we both laughed literally outloud.

We said goodnight and i drove home. She has the most exotic first name too. It was just a very fun night.

It was a really nice night on so many points and i was really not feeling it and was worried about the energy of my performance suffering because i had been struggling to clear my head long enough to practice the past 2 weeks, but it went unexpectedly well.

Ok, so my robot vaccuum wakes me up, and i decided to write this because i couldn't get back to sleep...seriously!!!

So, i am happy to say that I'm not getting a sexual vibe from her and im honestly relieved to say that, but there is some "weird science" or chemistry going on there, but its on a level that i haven't encountered before, so i can't quite put my finger on it.

I feel like she's just very positive and outgoing and we have some common interests and she's very up-front and outspoken. There's an energy on her, almost as if she was on fire, but with a kind of soothing overtone too, which i find so very hard to define.

So, i think i can honestly say that i may have met someone who has the potential to be deep enough to be a good friend and travel buddy, good listener and positive influence. My bandmates are great guys, but they don’t have the emotional depth I'm seeking in a companion/friend.

I just wanna be able to invite someone clothes shopping, or to coffee, or just sit in the park and tell each other about how our days went, and just talk about life in general.

I realize now that I've spent 4 years in solitary confinement and it took last night for that to really sink in.

Surprisingly, despite her appearance and appeal, and almost 5 years without physical intimacy, i had no sexual thoughts whatsoever about her, i was just soaking up the sunshine she was radiating.

Thoughts?

From what you shared she sounds like a woman that developed skills in stoking the male ego. Maybe you did not have thoughts of sex because of her being so forward.

In reading your thoughts about your worth? Don’t share details about your relationship with your wife with women. No woman needs to know you are staying with your wife for health insurance. If you share anything, just say that you and your wife want different life styles. Share that your wife prefers to live somewhat off the grid and you prefer an active social life. That’s being honest and it’s the truth.

Don’t put yourself down with the wrong side of the tracks saga, you should not be carrying that anymore, that’s just heavy baggage you don’t need to carry around anymore.

I felt that her hotrod connection was genuine, because she knew details like 4.6 litre 3-valve V8 that only a "gearhead" would know.

Interesting, because i thought absolute, brutal honesty was necessary.

No! You need to be careful not to over share. You don’t want a mommy, your way too old for that. Also by sharing your hurts and weaknesses you give too much power away to the other person. Toxic people like to pretend to care and help with your load, but often it’s to make room for what they want you to carry for them instead of your ex.

This is a support forum and you are anonymous so it’s ok to share. Be wiser out in the world where others can play you.

It’s ok to talk cars etc. but don’t bring in your problems. Don’t be too trusting as toxic people know how to stoke ego for their own gains. 😉

Well, I know some things too but I had to know what size engine can pull a horse trailer. Lol.

Not faulting this woman, just warning you to be careful as I can see you are vulnerable right now due to what you are experiencing in your relationship right now.

Had a great day yesterday, just hanging out with this person. Very relaxed interaction. Super positive.

Great advice!!!!!

@Open Eyes, @Tart Cherry Jam - Throughout my entire interaction with this woman, she kept stopping me (politely) and identifying my lack of self esteem, with some very positive comments and observations.

My perception of me changed after talking to her.

We spent 12 hours just talking in general and listening to music.

My wife did tell me something that i wanted to share.

She does not think we would have ever "worked out" as long as i played music. She says that its too much competition for my time, and too many young college age girls exposing themselves and even older females will flash the band during performances.

I gave up music to try and keep her 2 years ago, but it wasn't enough. I didn't go back to playing 'seriously' until i got the final break up text recently.

She sent me this video last night saying that it was her "sign" that forcing the breakup to an immediate split and move-out directive was the correct response:



Where previously, she told me to "remain married on paper" for as long as i need medical/dental/vision coverage, today she sent the folowing text:

"The divorce is crucial for my retirement, I don’t want it to hold me back. Get it done today and we can review it tonight and submit it tomorrow. Thanks."

She retires in December and, if filed today, won't be final until January 2024.

So your wife is all about her own needs.

You need to do what you can to make sure things are divided equally.

Sure seems that way.

I also see that she was totally fine as long as i lived there and put 100% of my pay into the home.

After 4 years of pushing me to go, i finally just said, "OK. I'll just go my own way."

Busy day at the office. Phone system crashed, upstairs A/C went out, 85° inside the building.

Hi JTL. I'm coming to this thread very late in it's development, and - in all honesty - I have not read every page. But your story touched me to where I feel compelled to offer a few thoughts . . . for whatever they're worth.

First of all, you need to knock off this business of blaming yourself for everything. You are way too quick to say: "mea culpa, mea culpa." (my fault, my fault) That may be the right frame of mind to get into, when you're on your knees, asking the Almighty to forgive you all your human inadequacies and guide you toward being a better man, if you're inclined toward that sort of prayer . . . . . but it'll get you nowhere with women.

First of all, knee-jerk apologizing - which you're inclined to do - short circuits the actual thinking that is needed to analyze and figure out what's really going on. You've assigned blame to failings of yours that your wife probably didn't even care that much about. Women don't leave men over occasional temper flares. But women do get very bored with men who are excessively self-effacing. Y
I'm amazed at how many threads have been posted in this forum by men who sounded just like you - in that they became heartbroken over their failure to please women whom they so badly wanted to please. Usually, they have sounded like very nice guys, but way too quick to idealize their wives and castigate themselves - like that's the safest thing to do. It's not.

Furthermore, you put her on a pedestal that she had no right to be on . . . except in her own mind. Any woman who would announce to her husband, via a text-message, that she's basically done with their marriage is some kind of piece-of-work, herself. That would be appropriate, if the woman were in a shelter for battered women. Not in this case. And all that blather about how she's on a much higher spiritual path than where your soul is at . . . . doing all her meditating . . . . . . but hanging on to you for enough years to get her non-spiritual needs met?
Puleeeze! Yeah, she saw your potential alright. Spiritual, my behind! This lady is pretty materialistic. You idealized her. That kept you from knowing the actual flesh-and-blood creature that you were living with. A woman is not flattered by being loved for someone whom she is not.

It is great that you are gentleman enough to not want to trash a woman who is breaking your heart. Stay that way. Never run her down to other people, especially not to other women. But lift your head up and recognize that - to some extent - you got played. It may be that your wife was not a person looking for a passionate physical bond. Perhaps, that's just not her thing. She found you suitable in other ways. (You did help rear her child, and you were good at that.) Now, at age 55, she doesn't want to even pretend anymore. It's just too much bother for her. That's really a deficit in her own make-up. You deserve to be loved fully, including physically, which is what you have offered.

Do protect yourself financially. I hope you've gotten some legal advice. Your wife sounds more than capable of making sure she keeps her own nest well-feathered. Don't concede too much of your joint assets. Be fair to yourself . . . and to a future relationship that you will need to invest in. Sounds like you've met someone who's interested in you. That is very good for your self-confidence. Enjoy it. Take it easy though. Any woman you meet is going to have her share of faults. And, for heaven's sake, give yourself some credit for being desirable and worthy of being loved - just as you are.

- stop reacting to astrological voodoo stuff at all
- do not give in to the time pressure. Always say that you need to talk it over with counsel.

This is precious advice, JTL! Think not only of yourself, but of your future relationships.

I agree because toxic/narcissistic women pick men they can use to pay in so they can live a certain lifestyle. They look for men with low self esteem and they love bomb them and manipulate them.

These women like to claim “having magical mystical powers”. It’s BS to control others.

I have a long way to go. I've learned a lot. Your advice was heard. I've experienced sorrow and rage, frustration and anger, and every emotion in between.

Ive wrote poetry, I've cried, I've screamed and I've denied. It's been a very long journey.

Get yourself a divorce lawyer before you make another move! Do not leave the home you both share, until you talk to an attorney. If you leave that home and let her know that you are seeing other women, then it can be said that YOU abandoned the marriage. That could affect the way a court will divide up the assets of the marriage. Forget about seeing a therapist, and start seeing a very experienced lawyer . . . at least for now.

Your wife is telling you to go ahead and start enjoying sex with other women. Dude . . . I think you're being played again. Do not trust anything this woman tells you. And DO NOT give her any information about any interest you may have in any woman you may meet. From here on in, that is none of her business. You need new boundaries - between her and you. She is not your new best friend. Any love life you have going forward is strictly your business, and keep your business to yourself. Go ahead and wash her car, if you like. That's fine. But do not confide in her. You need a long talk with a lawyer.

Go to YouTube. Type this in the search space: "Advice for men facing divorce." That will bring up a bunch of videos. Some will be relevant to your situation. Some won't be. Skip around, and sample here and there. You'll likely find something that resonates with you.

Also, go to your regular browser. Type in the same topic. See what comes up. You'll get solicitations from law firms right away. You may ignore those. Skim through some articles. You'll feel less alone. This will help you to start thinking pragmatically and practically. Stay calm and don't be rushed into anything. You can get through this and come out whole. When she talks, listen politely. Let her do all the talking she wants. Your best bet is to say little.

Good advice. I really appreciate your input.

I'm filing for divorce and since i work for a law firm, i can do all the paperwork myself.

We've had a legal separation going back a few years that prohibits spousal support from either party. We've had separate bank accounts for many years. Essentially, there's no property to divide.

All vehicles are paid for and we carry zero debt, other than the home.

I am not going after her assets. Its possible, with a specific legal strategy, to go after my wife's retirement, but im not doing it. I could probably develop a strategy to go after the $$$$ in invested in the marital home, even without being able to claim the deed, but i do not want to do this.

Being free to pursue a future is enough for me.

I have a great job and my work family is super supportive.

So many things are coming out in our most recent discussions that don't make sense, but do make me feel that what she was telling me, wasn't 100% her true feelings, which was never how she and i had ever interacted.

Things changed, at a point, and she began "testing " i think. For example, last night, i confronted her about some of these inconsistencies, in the quietest, most loving way.

I said, "You know, when you told me that i had your blessings to find a sex partner, you destroyed me. I heard "i don't love you" and it was devastating. Then the cold, heartless text, and again you broke my heart, and yet i stayed. I've never stayed in a bad relationship. I always ran, but i stayed here because of what my heart tells me, not my brain."

Her answer, typed from my written notes, was baffling and truly left me speechless.

She said, "I still had deep feelings for you, but i needed to see how you would react to see if you were serious.

I had 100% female energy and no masculine energy. I was unbalanced. You have 100% masculine energy and zero empathy or feminine energy.

Our soul contract was for you to break my heart, through your workaholism, and emotional abandonment, so i could learn to think with my brain. My part of the soul contract was to break your heart to see that you need to open your heart chakra and feel more and think less."