[reach]

Well, I have been wanting to write this but for so long I just couldn't get myself to do it.

One part of me feels guilty that I would even think of divorce because really he is not such a bad H or dad at all. But the other part of me is dying a slow death of utter despair.

I feel we are drifting further and further apart emotionally. There is a huge emptiness between us that is killing me slowly. We are not on bad term but there is just no connection and satisfaction at all.

I do not feel his initiative and input in many areas of our life unless I push it. He seems to have passion only in sport (taking my son to sports) and keeping up on news and reading. That's it, nothing else, not even sex. He would have time for volunteering to coach or assist or fund-raising for sport teams but would not put time in building our relationship or doing anything for our house. He would read extensively on anything that concern the outside world but will not put a single minute on books that teaches you how to improve your relationship or parenting skills or anything of emotion or spiritual.

I have initiated going out together and have made several attempts to revive the connection between us. Although he will do it when asked, I am not feeling his passion and his desire at all. If I don't initiate anything, it will not happen. They say it takes two hands to clap but mostly the clapping comes only if I pick his hand up to do it. And that is no fun at all and it is killing my spirit slowly.

I know everybody has their own interest but somehow this does not feel right to me. I want a partner who is ALIVE! Who is fill with passion for life itself and passion to build a relationship that is alive and a house that expression your heart and soul in it.

I did tell him my feeling and all of what I said here but it does not seems to mean anything to him. He would take a little step when push comes to shaft and then it's back to normal.

I just don't know what to do - I just feel like our marriage is so dead. I really don't want to live like that and often think of leaving.

p.s. think I have posted this in the wrong forum.

[godson]

Reach, I know it doesn't always help but my sympathys are with you in your time of distress. I too am going through a very similar situation to yours. My wife has disassociative identity disorder and being married to her has been hell at times, but then we do have our good times too. Right now, we are on the verge of separating because of lack of passion. She would say that it's just me, but I believe it's not alive on both sides. Our situations aren't that different so I can relate to what you're going through. I feel like we are dying as well, and what hurts the most is looking into my kids' faces and seeing the saddest sad I have ever seen because mommy's gone and not home. Reach, I just want you to know that you are not alone in your struggles and I will pray for you tonight that peace will overcome you and comfort will fill your heart.

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by reach

Well, I have been wanting to write this but for so long I just couldn't get myself to do it.

One part of me feels guilty that I would even think of divorce because really he is not such a bad H or dad at all. But the other part of me is dying a slow death of utter despair.

I feel we are drifting further and further apart emotionally. There is a huge emptiness between us that is killing me slowly. We are not on bad term but there is just no connection and satisfaction at all.

I do not feel his initiative and input in many areas of our life unless I push it. He seems to have passion only in sport (taking my son to sports) and keeping up on news and reading. That's it, nothing else, not even sex. He would have time for volunteering to coach or assist or fund-raising for sport teams but would not put time in building our relationship or doing anything for our house. He would read extensively on anything that concern the outside world but will not put a single minute on books that teaches you how to improve your relationship or parenting skills or anything of emotion or spiritual.

I have initiated going out together and have made several attempts to revive the connection between us. Although he will do it when asked, I am not feeling his passion and his desire at all. If I don't initiate anything, it will not happen. They say it takes two hands to clap but mostly the clapping comes only if I pick his hand up to do it. And that is no fun at all and it is killing my spirit slowly.

I know everybody has their own interest but somehow this does not feel right to me. I want a partner who is ALIVE! Who is fill with passion for life itself and passion to build a relationship that is alive and a house that expression your heart and soul in it.

I did tell him my feeling and all of what I said here but it does not seems to mean anything to him. He would take a little step when push comes to shaft and then it's back to normal.

I just don't know what to do - I just feel like our marriage is so dead. I really don't want to live like that and often think of leaving.

p.s. think I have posted this in the wrong forum.

(((reach)))

I know how challenging it can be to feel as though you are room mates, rather than married, please remember that it is very normal for relationships to wax and wane throughout our lives. What keeps it together is our dedication that we vowed til death do we part.

I would recommend trying everything before separation and divorce. Go into counseling, and lay those cards out onto the table honestly about how lonely and frustrated you feel. Work together to resolve the problem/s if at all possible.

Sometimes, separation and divorce are a necessity. It is a huge stress, from many different areas of our lives - especially when children are involved. The better terms you are on with one another, the easier it is for your child/ren.

Hope that I haven't confused you...I seem to be all over the place! LOL I just want you to really think about it. It isn't easy ~ for anyone!

Shez

[EJ711]

I am in a similar place in my marriage.

Feel free to PM me if you would like.

EJ

[reach]

Originally Posted by EJ711

I am in a similar place in my marriage.

Feel free to PM me if you would like.

EJ

Thanks EJ and how are you coping with it?

[reach]

Originally Posted by shezbut

(((reach)))

I know how challenging it can be to feel as though you are room mates, rather than married, please remember that it is very normal for relationships to wax and wane throughout our lives. What keeps it together is our dedication that we vowed til death do we part.

I would recommend trying everything before separation and divorce. Go into counseling, and lay those cards out onto the table honestly about how lonely and frustrated you feel. Work together to resolve the problem/s if at all possible.

Sometimes, separation and divorce are a necessity. It is a huge stress, from many different areas of our lives - especially when children are involved. The better terms you are on with one another, the easier it is for your child/ren.

Hope that I haven't confused you...I seem to be all over the place! LOL I just want you to really think about it. It isn't easy ~ for anyone!

Shez

Is that really normal?

I feel my time with things I love to do and I enjoy being with my friends but I wish I could share that joy with him sometimes.

No, I am not confused and appreciate your input and thanks.

[lynn P.]

Hi Friend,
I can certainly understand how you're feeling. I'm in a similar situation except much worse. You can read about my situation - jusy type in polygamist marriage. It's a very common problem where couples drift from each other, get caught up in the kids and get stuck in the same old pattern. It's normal for passions to fade. The question is - are there other qualities in the marriage that make it worth hanging on to. It's so important not to loose sight of what brought couples together in the first place.
Since you said he's a good husband and father, it could be he's just stuck in a lazy pattern. I think you should try marriage counciling like Shezbut said to see if the marriage is worth saving. If you do end up splitting then try to keep it as friendly as possible to ease the pain on both of you and the children.
I understand how you want more passion. But if there isn't any major problems like cheating, abuse of any kind etc. then you and your husband should try everything to save your marriage. You need to make him understand the seriousness of this and that he needs to do his part equally.
I hope feel better and find what you're searching for. Be thankfull you're not in my situation. Best of luck to you and your family.

[JS1scuba]

Originally Posted by reach

I just don't know what to do - I just feel like our marriage is so dead. I really don't want to live like that and often think of leaving.

First take 50% responsibility for the dead marriage. Then take 100% responsibility for turning it around. Men are pretty simple. They need a few things in life and those things can always be put back into play. But you need to do it.

First take a big step back in time and remember the 5 things that were attractive to you. Once you have that memory write it down. Then remember the 5 things that he was attracted to and write those down. Next compare your current life to that list. If they do not match (and they won't) then you both failed to carry out the original deal. Most marriages have these issues and they can be fixed. It won't happen overnight and it wont happen in a week but it might take a long time with 3 steps forward and 2 steps back each time.

Next -- make yourself a list of your Needs, Want's and Expectations -- these are things you need to make you whole. Then start to live those as if they are happening .... he will pick up on the vibes.

Next -- think like a girlfriend not a wife. I have long discussed this with a counselor friend that we need to write a handbook for "How To Be Your Husband's Girlfriend" Your son is his buddy and they talk sports and things and the boy looks up to him and he connects with that. He may no longer feel that you look up to him and as such HE may no longer feel attractive.

Most men need: Admiration, Affection, Conversation, Companionship, and Sexual Fulfillment. And, they need all of it all the time. They can compartmentalize areas that do not get fulfilled and can block the need, or they fill the need with something or someone else. If sex cant be fulfilled it might be replaced with pizza and beer. If conversation is lacking it can be replaced with MSNBC or CNN, if he's not admired by you then it can be replaced with coaching a team etc.

I can't get my wife to watch a movie for anything .... so since I happen to like Chic Flics I put one on and she eventually will come and watch for a while. ...... You get the idea.

If you want sex make it happen, take bubble batch before bedtime, smell nice, make the bed, climb in and read a book...... do that 5 nites in a row ,, he will get the message .... then when he showers before bed and then comes in take the lead. Be a girlfriend not wife who has not had any in a while looking for some.

If you want conversation become an expert in what they are talking about. Wow them with something they don't expect.

You have to take a Prince who turned into a frog and turn him back into feeling like a Prince again.

You have the tools. (if you don't then go get them)

Cheers
JDS