[sosad4now]

I know this is the divorce forum, but I feel that this is just as intense as a divorce, if not more so.

6 weeks ago my fiance (well, ex-fiance i guess) decided that he didn't want to be together anymore. We had been together 4 years, engaged for 1, and lived together with our dog we raised.

He said he wasn't in love with me anymore and felt that the marriage would just end in divorce.

I moved out that night. About a week later he let me come over to talk and he held me and acted like he wanted me back, but then the next day he called and said he thought about it and he doesn't want to be back together.

Needless to say its been a month since I've heard from him. He told me we shouldn't talk or see each other because it would make him want to be with me, and he doesn't want that.

I don't even know what to do. I have sunk into a deep depression. We had a great relationship - we were best friends. Now he lives in our apartment with our dog and is acting like I don't exist.

Just to clarify, there is NO other woman. I know that for a fact. And he barely has any friends and enjoys staying home, though I know right now he's going out as much as he possibly can (which is funny since I know he hates doing that). I guess he doesn't want to sit home by himself and think.

The silence from him is so loud it could reach miles. I miss my dog. I miss his family. I miss our life, and our future. He loved me very much and I believe he still does. He had never been in a relationsip that long or ever lived with a woman, and I believe we got into a rut while planning the wedding ... sure, life wasn't overly exciting, but do you really just up and leave over that? He is only 24, so I have to chalk some of it up to immaturity.

The only thing that makes me feel somewhat better is telling myself that he is obviously confused and being stupid.

In the meantime, I feel like I'm drowning. I cannot possibly imagine myself with another man. But he said it's over, and his silence is saying that as well, so I feel like if a guy asks me out I should go and feel no guilt, but it feels like I'm cheating on him.

This is so ... there aren't words.

[sunrise]

I feel like he owes you an explanation so you can get some closure. Can you ask him to tell you why he left you and tell him it will help you move on to know that?

As for going out with other guys, you don't sound ready for that to me, since you are still wondering about the other relationship and it hasn't been long. Are you ready to go out with other guys? Only you know. I think you need some time to figure out what happened, and if the relationship is indeed over for good, you need some time to grieve the relationship.

I'm sorry you are so sad. I hope he can give you an explanation. I think it will help. Good luck.

[sosad4now]

Well he tried to give me an explanation .. but some of it was just BS random stuff (I am too extroverted, too liberal for his family, blah blah). What it basically came down to, I believe, was that he became bored. We moved in together and life became the day-to-day routine, the honeymoon stage was over, therefore he assumes he's not in love anymore. Funny, I just felt like we were getting to the good part - feeling totally safe with one another, feeling like the other was "home".

The thing is, I honestly feel like I know the kid better than he knows himself. I don't think any explanation he gave me would be right, because I don't think he even understands himself. He is just a bit confused and I believe deep down his self-esteem is very low.

He has told me it's over. I have moved out, missed the holidays with the family, and have not heard from him in a month. The problem here is that I don't know that it really is truly over. Part of me thinks maybe this is false hope, but the other part of me really feels like I know him so well that he will realize this is not what he really wants. But I just need to accept what he is telling me, because anything else is just speculation.

I LOVE being in a relationship. So now that I'm single the boys are banging down the doors, and it's hard for me not to accept their advances. I know that I am not ready to get into anything serious, but I wonder what the harm is in at least dating? The problem is, I am such a loyal person ... when I talk with a new guy, I really feel like I'm betraying my ex, which is just ludicrous when he has let me go. I will go so far to say that if someone else asked me to be his girlfriend, I might even contact the ex to see if it's okay.

Listening to myself, it sooo doesn't seem fair for any new guy to have to be involved with this. But then again, I'm not getting any younger, and if he says it's over (and obviously is acting like it is), am I really supposed to sit in my room and wait for someone who may never come?

This is the by far the worst thing I have ever had to deal with in my life. It's horrible to say, but I think it would have been easier for me if he had died.

[sunrise]

I'm glad you got an explanation. It sounds to me like he is too immature too settle down. You may have paired up with him too early in his life for it to work.

Originally Posted by sosad4now

The problem is, I am such a loyal person ... when I talk with a new guy, I really feel like I'm betraying my ex.

It seems like if you're feeling this way, then you're not over him and you're not ready for other relationships. JMO

[sosad4now]

Oh I'm definitely not even close to over him. I just fear it will take me years to get over him if I don't replace him with someone else. And I don't have years. I'm almost 27 and want kids early.

[TuesdayM]

I got divorced +- 18 months ago - we were seperated for 8 months before that. I was the one who wanted the divorce [people always seem to need to know who called it] - the honest truth, when i look back, deep down i knew it would end in a divorce, though desperately hoped it wouldn't. If i had any courage at all, i should have called of the wedding. Having said that, i know i learned invaluable lessons and went through important growth stages that i had missed out on during my marriage, so i'm never going to term it a 'mistake'.

Today we are extremely good friends, as i had hoped we'd be, and since time has passed, he does see the decision, though painful to work through was the right one. Like your ex, i tried to offer an explanation, but to him most of the reasons i could give weren't really concrete enough to end a 5 year marriage.

Basically, and quite simply, i didn't love him in the way a woman should love her husband to make them both happy. Not sure if that makes any sense? He was, still is, my best friend, someone i could be so at ease with, share everything with, laugh at the same things, enjoy the same experiences. So then why couldn't it work? It felt like living with my brother in a way, or maybe just platonic? No chemistry? And yes, i know that chemistry doesn't last and the passion fades etc etc, but i felt like if i had never felt that for him, the base on which we built a life would be missing a key part. The physical side of a relationship is either small, or huge, depending on which side of the fence you sit, but not feeling sexually attracted to your partner isn't without conflict & tension. Everything else about our relationship was great, but when it came down to sex, i got to the point where i simply couldn't do it, and when i'd run out of excuses, or his silent anger was too much to bear, i would talk myself into doing it. One day, after finding myself sitting on the bathroom floor, crying, because having just forced to have sex with him, i could no longer live in the bubble of denial, that the 'problem' would never go away, & i had to do something about it.

Just because you're the one doing the hurting, it doesn't mean you don't hurt too. The guilt and emotional turmoil are very had to bear - this was someone that i love & respect, and had a life with, hurting him weighed heavily on me for a long long time. I cried for his and our hurt more than i ever thought it was possible for someone to cry, and it didn't ease the pain for either of us. The only thing that did, was time.

I think you're right in saying that no explanation he gave you would be good enough, as the enormity of a break up that you don't want, is never easy to take in & accept.

You're not ready to date, so don't do it, you'll just feel crap and beat yourself up. However, the fact that the boys are beating down your door is a GOOD thing lucky girl!! But only when you're ready. And sweethear, you are sooooo young!! Do not believe that you are 'getting on' at 27!!! I'm 38 and can honestly tell you that life in your thirties is WAY better than your 20's. So you wanted to marry and have kids early? Well, i think that before too long, as time heals you, you'll realize that he saved you from a far worse situation. Having a marriage end in divorce is more difficult than the obvious things. If there are kids involved - 10 x worse! The hurt and confusion you're going through now would surely not be worse than him becoming emotionally abusive, having an affair, running off with no explanation or warning etc etc etc.

I hope you get the support you deserve from your friends and famiy - it's a big turning point in your life. Any life changing event [only in my very unexpert opinion of course!] is also an opportunity for us to grow within ourselves. It doesn't make it easier sadly, but you'll pull through, and be happier for it.

Good luck, best best wishes and warm thoughts to you

My son (29) is going through a similar thing in that his girlfriend (24) of 2 yrs. (living together) dumped him in an email while he was in Denmark (lives in US) on a month-long work assignment. Devastated him. He's coming to terms with she just doesn't love him like he does her. He's in terrible pain. I'm crying--as his mother it is so hard to see him in this pain, but it is better for him to learn that she is not the right one now before marriage (he was thinking of asking her to marry him & had given her my husband's mother's pearls as a Christmas gift last yr.--valued at $1,700.00 & even more sentimentally--but his grandmother had left them to him to give to his "bride" & he chose to give them to her so that's over & done with--not mentioning it. The loss of those is nothing in comparison to the pain he is feeling, but it IS BETTER to learn it now--not later. You have to get on with your life. There is someone out there for you--someone who will love you & you will love & can have a satisfying life with. All my best.--Suzy (married 34 yrs. to my high school sweetheart--he is a saint as it has been no picnic at times as I have bipolar).

[lynn P.]

Originally Posted by sosad4now

I know this is the divorce forum, but I feel that this is just as intense as a divorce, if not more so.

6 weeks ago my fiance (well, ex-fiance i guess) decided that he didn't want to be together anymore. We had been together 4 years, engaged for 1, and lived together with our dog we raised.

He said he wasn't in love with me anymore and felt that the marriage would just end in divorce.

I moved out that night. About a week later he let me come over to talk and he held me and acted like he wanted me back, but then the next day he called and said he thought about it and he doesn't want to be back together.

Needless to say its been a month since I've heard from him. He told me we shouldn't talk or see each other because it would make him want to be with me, and he doesn't want that.

I don't even know what to do. I have sunk into a deep depression. We had a great relationship - we were best friends. Now he lives in our apartment with our dog and is acting like I don't exist.

Just to clarify, there is NO other woman. I know that for a fact. And he barely has any friends and enjoys staying home, though I know right now he's going out as much as he possibly can (which is funny since I know he hates doing that). I guess he doesn't want to sit home by himself and think.

The silence from him is so loud it could reach miles. I miss my dog. I miss his family. I miss our life, and our future. He loved me very much and I believe he still does. He had never been in a relationsip that long or ever lived with a woman, and I believe we got into a rut while planning the wedding ... sure, life wasn't overly exciting, but do you really just up and leave over that? He is only 24, so I have to chalk some of it up to immaturity.

The only thing that makes me feel somewhat better is telling myself that he is obviously confused and being stupid.

In the meantime, I feel like I'm drowning. I cannot possibly imagine myself with another man. But he said it's over, and his silence is saying that as well, so I feel like if a guy asks me out I should go and feel no guilt, but it feels like I'm cheating on him.

This is so ... there aren't words.

Re: he called of the wedding
I'm sorry for the pain you must be in. I think it would be helpfull for you to understand why he did this so you could have closure. One good thing is thank God he told you now and not later. It could be he's scared and just not ready for marriage. I think in time you'll realize this was the right thing because you don't want to marry someone who has doubts. His decision may have little to do with you and all to do with him, so don't let it bring you down. If I were you I wouldn't date anyone yet until you have had time to heal yourself first. I've been married for 27yrs. with 2 children ages 7 & 11. Three years ago he (who is a muslim) decided to marry another woman (in a religous sense) while still married to me. We live in the same house but separate rooms and are civil to each other. I can't afford to divorce him because of financial reasons. I thought I knew my husband and was devistated when he did this. I thank God everyday that I have my kids who give me the strength t o go on. I know it may not seem comforting right now but, you are young and one day when you find someone better you'll look back and be thankfull that you didn't marry him afterall. Good luck to you and don't be sad or bitter.

[kjetterman]

How are you doing Soso?