When does the pain ease?

I've been with my husband for 18 years, the last has been spent separated. Fifteen years of marriage - and have two young daughters (ages 4 and 6). We share custody 50/50 and continue to get along pretty well.

Where in the heck did my husband go?? We did vow til death do us part. In sickness and in health. Since I had my 4 year old, things have been rocky. But, that doesn't mean I lose my commitment and devotion to him. No, I just wanted to work at it. He didn't. He'd had enough of my never-ending dramatic life. I just can't blame him for that. If I could escape myself, I would too! I take the blame. With all of my issues: major depression, epilepsy, TBI, and childhood drama (molestation, frequently ignored by loved ones, family stuff) - I presume that he now kicks himself for not seeing it sooner and backing off .

Anyway ~ I just worry that I will always be alone and never have that connection I thought I once had. Do feelings like these last a long time? It is misery

Shez

Hun, it didn't' work just because of you, relationships are a two way road, it is a group effort, sometimes things just don't work out, but this isn't all your fault, please don't' beat yourself up. The recovery from these things takes time, you will not always be alone, you need time to recover, time to heal. Keep your chin up sweetie, things will work out.

Sending hugs
Sparrow

Be happy for those 18 years of not being single....I'm 35 and I was single constantly....I had five years of relationship which ended up to just one year of marriage and divorce....and I've never felt I had somebody with me...I get to shity relationships and get out of them....this is a life...what can we do for it...
be happy for what you have...your beautiful kids....and honestly, let him go...trust me...after awhile, he will come back to you....that's the way it is....We got to accept the differences between men and women....
Women try to work on the relationship by talking, discusing it out loud and as much as we talk, we don't get anything back....it looks like to push him away....versus, we can just be cool and not talking or discussing and not trying to fix the relationship...just let the relationship to heal by itself....time is the best healer....don't try too hard...it won't work....stay positive and hopeful....and see the result....
Also, try to do excersize as much as you can....it makes you feel better....
good luck...

Sparrow,

Thank you for your kind, supportive words.

Shez

Marjan,

Thank you. Good point about remaining positive. And exercise!

Shez

hey try to do meditation...it helps me a lot....I'm studying Buddhism now, and it gives me hope and makes me relax...I'm trying to find the inner peace and inner wealth instead of searching it outside!

I don't know where you live, but try this....

http://nkt-kmc-california.org/

I wish I had the answer to your question....

I have been married for 14 years and am moving in the direction of separation/divorce. We have a 7 year old daughter together, and it's heartwrenching.

What I do know is that you cannot predict the future and the only person you can rely on for happiness is yourself. At the moment, it may seem hard to realize or work toward...I'm still in the muddy stages of it all so it's hard for me to even think about the harsh reality of moving forward, finding happiness within myself and being comfortable in the here and now.

But that is my goal.....and I think it's a good one to try to have!

Yes, it is misery I agree. But I fill my time and heart with the love and connections that friends and family bring to my life. Where do they ever go?

My late husband I got together for all the right reasons, we were married for a goodly number of years, together longer than that. When we first got together we talked constantly, for hours, days on end, about everything. As time went on, he stopped talking, refused to talk, abused me for trying . . . He left me a couple of years before he died, I filed for divorce (something I swore I'd never do) for my own protection. He fought to keep me from divorcing him, but not to save our marriage. Moron. Wow, I sound bitter right? Yeah. If he'd put just half as much effort into himself, into our marriage, he might still be alive and we might still be together. He's dead now several years. It still hurts.

I'm going to be 45 this year, and I worry I'm going to be alone too. But right now, I need to be alone, time to try to heal and collect myself, to grow. I hope, oh how I hope that I'm not going to be alone forever either, but I focus on each day.

Some how over the last several years I've managed to find hope again. So I'm holding onto that. When does the pain ease? God how I wish I knew. But I can say it's not as bad as it was. So that some progress no?

Time they say, heals all wounds.

Give yourself and your girls time, love and permission to heal and grow.

Thank you mixedup_emotions

I appreciate you sharing your perspective & wish you the best through this very confusing and painful period of life. I hope that your daughter adjusts well to to the changes you make together.

Very best wishes !
Shez

(((Samanthaq)))

Thank you for sharing your personal experience with divorce and emotional adjustment.

I'm happy to hear that things have improved for you a little and you have a good hold of hope. That is progress - yay for you !! I suppose that we all just need lots of time to heal.

Thank you,
Shez

Men and women experience things so very differently; we tend to bond w/ all our might, and are hard-wired for complex communication.
Men seem doomed to be slaves to their groins as the pancea of all things and passport to all vistas of glory. Ox to slaugher.
The result is usually something like that lay-man's 'midlife crisis'.
I was in a 23yr. relationship; we met at the end of highschool. He acts like he doesn't remember who I am, or tells me about his latest drawing of who he needs me to be to play out his current cravings without guilt or remorse. Ok whatever. We have two sons, ages 21 and 11, and a daughter who is 8. He filed for divorce in Dec. and still lives at the house w/ us. Most weekends he goes out and stays out all night. He says he wants me to mind my own business, then he'll invite me into his plans. He'll leave as one guy, and come home a monster in the morning. It's Jekyl and Hyde. He needs to make up his mind and stick to his own, personal boundries.
He's gonna have to find away to cope w/ all this weird stuff without me there as bumper pads for his ego. Oh yeah...keep your hands to yourself, Buddy.
He tends to get violent.
I am now in a very bizarre plane where I observe what sexual partners are from the outside. It's poignant and simultaneously exicting spiritually. I don't mean watching people have sex, I hate pornography. I'm speaking about the meaning of human life and pair bonding. It has been so liberating, so settling for me. I know who I am, what I desire in my heart, what my values are...I couldn't hope for a better road marker at 44.
Only love can break your heart...only love can mend it again (or so the song goes). Prayer is my refuge

Best wishes

I have found that "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" to be very helpful in trying to rekindle the love that my fiance and I shared. He doesn't want an "us" but I do... I have implemented a few of the suggestions made by Dr. Gray and have seen immediate, positive results!

I understand the pain, the confusion, and the feelings of no hope to move forward without the one we love so deeply...

I am not proposing that this book will "fix" or "cure" any marital issues but it gives us Venusians a new perspective to try and reconnect with the ones that are Martians... With that said, if the men were to read the book perhaps they would come to understand themselves and women better.

I wish everyone in this forum the very best life has to offer, regardless of the road we travel.

Remember the donkey left you, You are an amazing person that will find yout true love that accepts you...flaws and all....but first you mus let go of the residual leftovers from your ex!
~gentle hugs~ & ~sprinkling dating dust on you as well~

Thank you Bearchic34 ~ thanks for sharing your wisdom, hope, and a little reality to keep things straight!

Shez