I didn't want to believe it. When someone said, nothing is forever.......
I always pictured me and my husband getting old together...staying together forever...

I've already admitted quite a few times that I don't love my husband.
I was never really attracted to him.
I thought he could take care of me well and he did.
I've changed, he has changed, everything around us has changed.
I thought we were same as when we met but we are not.

I thought I was going to be same me and he was going to be same him.

whenever he hurt me...I always tried to remember when he was a lot younger. When he was too nice to me. I was waiting for him to come back
I can see clearly that he won't.

Today he decided what my happiness would be.
which is going to work on time everyday to start with.
That doesn't make me happy at all. I'll just forget about my needs and I know I will try my best to ignore my sadness and whatever they are...try to be numb....

wonder that might be the happiness...
doing things exactly same as before just like everyone else....

what stops me from leaving my husband is...
1. financial
2. our son
3. I might regret my decision
4. too depressed to do anything right now
5. feeling lazy... (yeah... pretty good excuse)

I think I also feel guilty that I am breaking some kind of promise.
I mean we swore to each other that we will stay together forever.
I guess I am quite scared to admit that nothing is forever...

I am not sure the real reason that I am feeling like this toward my husband. Is it because I really don't love him for who he is?
or is it my because of my metal health problems???

I don't know.......
if I don't know... no one can help me either so I feel quite stuck.

[perpetuallysad]

Did you say he hurts you? That alone is reason enough to want to leave. I know a lot of people think marriage is a sacred vow that should never be broken, but no one, even someone with a mental illness, deserves to be in pain or hurt by their spouse. You deserve better, and you deserve to be happy.

I'm not trying to convince you to get divorced, but know that if you do, it doesn't mean you've done anything wrong. You have to take care of yourself and your son. Maybe that means moving on?

Are you getting help with your depression?

When you say he hurts you, if you are talking about physical abuse, I truly hope you get out of that marriage. My earliest memory is of my Dad beating up my Mom on a Christmas Eve over fifty years ago. I can still see it happening.

[shezbut]

(((Timeisback)))

Like the others, I got the impression that your husband has beaten you. Is that correct? I presume that it is ~ numbness doesn't make the sorrow and misery go away. Any man or woman being abused does not deserve it. I can imagine, though I have not been abused by my ex, how hard it is to walk away from the marriage. Walking away from my own marriage was/is extremely painful & difficult. I can relate in that sense.

You should not feel guilty about questioning love and if there is such a reality. I am struggling with those same thoughts. It is incredibly depressing to see a good love turn to some removed foreign memory. It's much easier to pull away from the idea of love entirely, rather than accept the reality and move on. I wish that I could let go completely, but that isn't a possibility when you have children together. Those children will be part of our lives forever.

I don't know how custody is ruled in Japan, so I can't offer advice on that part. I do know that children who see physical abuse occurring with those that they love are greatly affected. Hopefully, your son is still very young and can be taught acceptable ways to resolve conflict. He can be assured that he is loved dearly and that you will always be there for him.

Best wishes to you!

[kacey321]

(((Timeisback)))

I know how you feel in alot of respects as to where did the good man go I married,I am still married and have bee hoping for that "man"to return we have been seperated for 4 years almost now and he has had a girlfriend a little more than a year so I can't give the greatest advice.
Although I do have 4 sons grown from my first marriage who turned out to be wonderful,respectful,law abiding young men and their dad and I divorced when the youngest was 9.I believe because we remained very good friends and his temper changed dramaticaly after we divorced he was a contolling tyrant to his sons never me while married but did a 360 after.
My dilema to divorce him(1st one) was difficult took a few years since he treated me very very good but I had to realize he treated his own children so badly emotionally had I stayed for me they surely would have been damaged.
And as years went on I came to realize with him in essance by being as he was with them he was controlling me in a round about way too....
I truly believe you will do good by your son if you can somehow get the courage up to go .I went to my psychologist and did alot of talking with my kids who all assured me they were fine by it.My kids have commented for years too how they believe too that things that happened and our divorce was for the best and also are fortunate how well we all get along and have .

Of course my second husband is a whole other issue but at least no children are involved ...if there were though...in my eyes Children should always come first and know it....

Kacey

Thanks guys...

1. My husband has never beaten me ever. He hurts me in different ways.
I have a lot of pressures and stress from him. I have hard time saying no and I just give in.

2. I am not Japanese nor live in Japan.

3. A lot of thinking to do...but I think I need to take break from everything for a while.

Thanks to you all~!

[sharon123]

I got a divorce after 31 years of verbal and physical abuse....Verbal abuse is just as bad (shredding of the soul) as the physical. The book that saved my life: THe Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans.

[amante]

Have you tried some marriage guidance T. Or perhaps some personal T for yourself to find out what you truly want. Sending hugs and prayers your way that you'll find the strenght to get through this.