[ThePainNeverDies]

Now I've started to make a thinspo poster. What the hell am I doing??? Just.. WHAT??? I don't understand!! I never did this before! but now... I'm going out and buying magazines, pasting the pictures onto card and pinning it up on my wall.. Why? Because I want to make myself feel fat so that I continue to starve... Feeding the ED voice, making me starve myself.. She told me to do thia and I feel powerless to resist

ARGH why am I doing this to myself? To Connor?? To Jsut F-CKING EVERYONE??!!!!! I don't matter, it's everyone else that matters! Everyone else that I'm hurting! Why?? Why, Why WHY??????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm falling.. And there's no-one to catch me and nothing to break my fall

God help me this weekend. I have to go to Connor's, we are rehearsing for a gig on the 5th August and I know that he's going to want me to eat more, I know he thinks it's easy for me just a matter of "eat and everything's fine" but it's not. He's finally agreed to see someone from SWEDA to talk about how my behaviours are making him feel.

I just feel like I'm doing everything wrong, like I'm just slipping backwards constantly and I just don't understand why. I was really quite ill over the weekend. Connor had to practically carry me to hospital because my legs were so red raw and they think it's eczema. Even though the last time I had that was when I was about 4 and that was on my arm. So yet more illnesses and medications/creams to take/use and it's all just putting the icing too thickly on my cake.

So why don't I stop? Why don't I just let someone else take the control? ... Because if even I can't have the control, then no-one else can because if I don't have it, how can they possibly take it away from ME? They'd have to take it away from HER and SHE's not going to give it up. Noooo way.

So.. What the hell am I doing and why am I doing it? I'm so, so ******* confused and I just don't get it!!! What happened to this kid?!?!
I'm a mess

Why do I even bother anymore? I remember Connor crying on Saturday night, telling me the reason he got so angry about my eating is because he's terrified that I'm going to starve myself to death... And you know what? I told him I wouldn't and he's not going to lose me.. But I will if it means I'm going to be thin. That's how SHE makes me feel. I have to carry on no matter how close to death I am I don't want this! I don't want any of it! I hate it!!! Even my GP said "You never have it easy do you? But you're coping so, so well..." NO I'm not!! Yeah I may still be here, but no!!! I'm not coping well! I'm not f-cking coping at all! I just wish I were dead, with my Dad, Foster Dad, friends. Everyone else would be better off then

Please... Just let me be free...

I'm sorry... I just needed to get this off my chest and I just don't know what to do.. I have no-one to talk to about it at all and it's killing me..

Hope everyone's okay

xxx

[Christina86]

(((((((((((TPND))))))))))))))

I'm worried about you dear. Not to make you feel guilty, but you really need to tell your GP the truth about what's happening with you. Get inpatient treatment if need be, talk to a counsellor, get on antidepressants, get to a selfhelp group - whatever it takes to take care of YOU.

Throw away the magazines. Tear them into little tiny pieces (good form of "release" that's healthy) and throw them away. You don't need to listen to that voice - I know it's tempting because it "understands" you... but please, hold on and listen to someone else -

"I am okay the way I am"
"I don't need to lose weight."
"I am healthy right now, and I don't want that to change".
"I am worth seeking help for".
"I'm a good person and worthy of love and respect"

(and whatever else you can think up.)

Write all of those down. Make a new and better poster - write down positive affirmations to yourself. Positive meaning HEALTHY and GOOD, not anything else.

If someone else was in your exact same position, you'd try to help them control their behaviours, right? Try to do the same for yourself. You're not unworthy, you are not sub-human and you ARE ultimately a good person.

I know our behaviours hurt others. Sometimes that's good motivation to stop our negative behaviours. Sometimes, but not always. How about writing down how you're hurting others, but also make a list of how you're hurting YOURSELF by continuing this pattern of behaviour?

Eczema isn't very cool... unfortunately it's likely to come back randomly, especially if your immune system is compromised. It's like having a coldsore on your lips - when you're stressed and not eating/sleeping properly, it's more likely to wreak havoc on your system.

You DO have some control. You can say: "I've had enough" and "I want to quit doing this". Anything after that means that yes, you're going to be having a control competition with your eating disorder and all that - but you can still win over it. It just takes a LOT of work.

You're trying. That's a good first step. You realized you don't have as much control as you'd like in this situation, that's also a good step. You're reaching out for help, that's another good step. One step at a time, and yes sometimes you will backslide a bit - but you're much more prepared for any setbacks in the future that way if you know what to expect.

I'm sorry that Connor is struggling so much in trying to help you. He sounds like a very nice man... but he's responsible for trying to help himself. YOU need to work on helping yourself first. We can't help others unless we help ourselves, really.

I think you should go to your local hospital and ask for some treatment and support right now, ok? You sound like you're needing help, and that's NOT a bad thing - but unfortunately I can only say/do so much.

please take care of yourself. you are important and cared about here.

[*freak*]

I agree with everything Christina said. You deserve to get help because you matter. Maybe not to yourself (yet), but to everyone in your life who loves you and cares about you.
And don't be sorry for posting here, that's what we're for

I wish I had some more useful advice... but all I can offer at the moment is my support

Take care

[ThePainNeverDies]

I'm not even underweight though, so they won't do anything.. I'm on AD's at the moment and we're still waiting for them to take effect.

The staff at the hospital said it's probably down to my immune system not functioning as well as it should be, although they don't knwo about my ED. I didn't say anything about it, I didn't feel it was important.. Even if I have lost a stone... It took me long enough.

My dr probably wouldn't do anything because I'm not underweight. I won't allow myself to eat anything now. This morning was the last time until I next see my counsellor... At the earliest

I know that others have got fed up of my ED and want me to stop starving myself so much, I knwo that they want me to just be normal, I know that they want all of these harmful behaviours to stop, but I just feel like I can't stop now. I did before... At least.. I tried to, but I just keep slipping back and everytime I do, it just gets harder and harder to get out. This time, I feel I'll never get out. So therefore I feel like there's no point in even trying to get out until someone else takes that control.

You know.. I don't even care if this kills me, or comes close to kiling me... Connor bawled his eyes out to me the other night and said he's scared of losing me... I asked in what way and then said "Is it because you think I'll starve myself to death?" and he agreed... I told him, promised him that I won't, but I knew.. Deep down, in my heart of hearts that I would do it if only it means I'll be thin and in control. I'd rather die than be who/what I am right now. Be as fat as I am now. Be just.. This disgusting, ugly, horrid thing that nobod wants to be around.

I just feel like crying. But what's the point when no-one's here with me that even cares? That even knows why I'd be crying? That even wants to know, care or try to understand?? I just feel like giving up. I give up on food. It just makes me feel awful.

Thanks for your replies and again.. I'm sorry

[Christina86]

Originally Posted by ThePainNeverDies

I'm not even underweight though, so they won't do anything.. I'm on AD's at the moment and we're still waiting for them to take effect.

How long has it been? Here's to hoping they help you realize that some of what you think about yourself is blatantly false lies and negative messages. But NOT the truth.

The staff at the hospital said it's probably down to my immune system not functioning as well as it should be, although they don't knwo about my ED. I didn't say anything about it, I didn't feel it was important.. Even if I have lost a stone... It took me long enough.

It IS important to tell the hospital staff that. Immune system malfunctioning is a symptom of not taking care of yourself. If you wind up in hospital with a flu or infection, not eating will further put your life in danger.

My dr probably wouldn't do anything because I'm not underweight. I won't allow myself to eat anything now. This morning was the last time until I next see my counsellor... At the earliest

Your dr needs a smacking. Not being underweight means you don't fulfil (some) of the criteria of an eating disorder right now. It doesn't mean you don't have one though! And it's easier to get help NOW rather than later. Call up your dr and book another appt. Please. Tell them the truth.

I know that others have got fed up of my ED and want me to stop starving myself so much, I knwo that they want me to just be normal, I know that they want all of these harmful behaviours to stop, but I just feel like I can't stop now. I did before... At least.. I tried to, but I just keep slipping back and everytime I do, it just gets harder and harder to get out. This time, I feel I'll never get out. So therefore I feel like there's no point in even trying to get out until someone else takes that control.

"Normal" is just another label. Stopping isn't easy. If they don't understand that, tough luck to them - it's an addiction, and addictions are tough to control and get through/over. You WILL get out if you seek help. If you accept help. If you ASK for help and admit you can't fix this by yourself. Nobody else wants to control you because that generally just makes an ED worse. Eating disorders are partly about control, we do it to control something in our lives since we feel like we don't have control in other life areas. People won't willingly take control of you and force you to do things unless you put your life in a LOT of danger. And YOU DONT WANT THAT. The pit gets bigger and deeper the longer you wait to be rescued by someone if you don't ask for help.

You know.. I don't even care if this kills me, or comes close to kiling me... Connor bawled his eyes out to me the other night and said he's scared of losing me... I asked in what way and then said "Is it because you think I'll starve myself to death?" and he agreed... I told him, promised him that I won't, but I knew.. Deep down, in my heart of hearts that I would do it if only it means I'll be thin and in control. I'd rather die than be who/what I am right now. Be as fat as I am now. Be just.. This disgusting, ugly, horrid thing that nobod wants to be around.

I care. Connor cares. People on PC care. YOU even care, even if it's a small part of you that is scared of dying that's really quiet and hard to hear. That's the rational non-ED message in your head. What you need to find and listen to. Being thin won't mean you're in control, because the longer you wait the more likely IT will be controlling you. And you won't be able to stop, even if you want to at that point.

You are not fat.
You are not disgusting.
You are not ugly.
You are not horrid.
You are not a "thing".

You are a HUMAN BEING.
You are a good person.
You are beautiful for who you are.
You don't disgust me, or anyone else here. Or Connor. Otherwise he would have left by now.
You are not fat. That is a bad message in your head.

I just feel like crying. But what's the point when no-one's here with me that even cares? That even knows why I'd be crying? That even wants to know, care or try to understand?? I just feel like giving up. I give up on food. It just makes me feel awful.

Crying is a good emotional release that is healthy. It's hard to let ourselves cry sometimes, but it is good for us. Just because you're alone in that moment doesn't mean you're alone period. People don't need to know why you're crying unless you want them to know. People just want to support you and people want to give you hugs and try to cheer you up when you're sad. That's what good people do when someone is crying, even if they don't know why they are.

Don't give up on getting better.
Don't give up on asking for help.
Don't give up on beating this eating disorder.
Don't give up on life.

and

Don't give up on yourself. You ARE worth it.

Thanks for your replies and again.. I'm sorry

[ThePainNeverDies]

Thank you, Christina.

I had a bad night last night.. I felt really guilty for causing all my friends, including Connor, so much trouble.. Connor has tried so hard to help and it seems I just keep throwing it back in his face by just.. Having something else go wrong.

It's been about 3 weeks since I was put on the AD's and no change has happened yet. I'm hoping these ones will help because all the others just made me worse. *sigh*

I know normal is a label.. I guess I just want to be the person I was born to be.. Not the person I am now. I've already discovered the pit getting bigger and deeper. Everytime the ED voice has come back, it's come back with even more of a vengeance than last time. Ughhh.

If I cry around Connor, he begs me to tell him what it is, so I feel I have to tell him then.. Sometimes I don't tell him all of it, I just tell him what I feel I can but then again, sometimes even I don't know why I'm crying... I got given flowers by a friend yesterday and it put a huge smile on my face because I hadn't expected it and flowers always cheer me up and make me feel special. I remember Connor buying me flowers about a year or so ago. If I had them given to me every day, or every week or whatever, they wouldn't have the same effect, so it was nice to have a friend come to see me with flowers, saying "you're such a great friend and I think you deserve these more than anyone. You deserve to be the happiest girl in England" I almost cried! But it was a nice surprise and brightened up my day.

That doesn't mean to say, though, that my night was any easier. In fact for some reason it was more difficult. Today I feel really ill. I woke up feeling sick and horribly tired and just didn't want to go and do breakfast club at all, but I knew I'd feel guilty if I didn't go -- I felt guilty for even thinking of not going! I never let myself have a break, I know that I've split the week up with Ellee doing breakfast club twice in the week too, but that's only because I always have something to do on the days that she does it, so the only time I really get to have a lie in, or a day in bed to rest my body and rejuvenate myself, is a Sunday and even then I always wake up early which is annoying

I feel so exhausted and tired and blahhhhhh! today

[Christina86]

Originally Posted by ThePainNeverDies

Thank you, Christina.

I had a bad night last night.. I felt really guilty for causing all my friends, including Connor, so much trouble.. Connor has tried so hard to help and it seems I just keep throwing it back in his face by just.. Having something else go wrong.

((((((((TPND)))))))))))))) Don't feel guilty. That's what people who love us do, they support us when we're feeling crappy.

It's been about 3 weeks since I was put on the AD's and no change has happened yet. I'm hoping these ones will help because all the others just made me worse. *sigh*

Here's to hoping it works. They say 4-6 weeks to reach maximum effectiveness.

I know normal is a label.. I guess I just want to be the person I was born to be.. Not the person I am now. I've already discovered the pit getting bigger and deeper. Everytime the ED voice has come back, it's come back with even more of a vengeance than last time. Ughhh.

I understand. Don't go back to the pit though if you can help it.

If I cry around Connor, he begs me to tell him what it is, so I feel I have to tell him then.. Sometimes I don't tell him all of it, I just tell him what I feel I can but then again, sometimes even I don't know why I'm crying... I got given flowers by a friend yesterday and it put a huge smile on my face because I hadn't expected it and flowers always cheer me up and make me feel special. I remember Connor buying me flowers about a year or so ago. If I had them given to me every day, or every week or whatever, they wouldn't have the same effect, so it was nice to have a friend come to see me with flowers, saying "you're such a great friend and I think you deserve these more than anyone. You deserve to be the happiest girl in England" I almost cried! But it was a nice surprise and brightened up my day.

I like random flowers and presents too!! As for the crying, sometimes we don't know why we're upset. Really! Not really abnormal, especially with depression.

That doesn't mean to say, though, that my night was any easier. In fact for some reason it was more difficult. Today I feel really ill. I woke up feeling sick and horribly tired and just didn't want to go and do breakfast club at all, but I knew I'd feel guilty if I didn't go -- I felt guilty for even thinking of not going! I never let myself have a break, I know that I've split the week up with Ellee doing breakfast club twice in the week too, but that's only because I always have something to do on the days that she does it, so the only time I really get to have a lie in, or a day in bed to rest my body and rejuvenate myself, is a Sunday and even then I always wake up early which is annoying

Self care first. If you can't do the breakfast club, then call in sick. Really, you're allowed. Unless you're trying to get out if it because you don't want to eat - which is another thing altogether.

I feel so exhausted and tired and blahhhhhh! today

Hope the blahness goes away soon.

[ThePainNeverDies]

No, I wasn't trying to get out of it because I didn't want to eat.. I was actually trying to get out of it because I wanted to clean my flat and have a day at my flat today and run all the errands that I needed to, but no.. In the end I did breakfast club, got home and crashed (literally) fell up the stairs, blacked out a little and started shaking and going hot and cold, breaking into a sweat for no reason. As soon as I got to my flat, I threw up and couldn't stop for about an hour. It was horrible that was when I decided it was time I went to sleep and got some rest... Only got an hour of sleep, butit's better than nothing and it helped.. But.. I guess it shouldn't take me collapsing to make me stop and let myself rest.

I know that people that love us support us when we're feeling crappy but I guess I'm just not used to it and I'm used to feeling like I don't deserve it..

I feel sick again

[*freak*]

ThePainNeverDies, I'm very worried for your health. Please, please, talk to your doctor about what's going on. Ask for help...
Collapsing like that... don't tell yourself it's no big deal, it's something serious and it will keep getting worse if you don't do anything about it. I don't mean to scare you, I'm just really concerned for you...

Please take care of yourself

[ThePainNeverDies]

I went on the NHS direct website and it told me to call an ambulance straight away.. I'm too scared to.. I don't like hospitals one bit, I don't want to make a fuss and I think I'll be fine, even if my eating and immune system are screwed up at the moment.

I don't want to worry Connor, or anyone else either.. I feel fine now.. Well. Ummm. Better than I did, I've eaten a bit today so I should be fine..?

[*freak*]

I know it's hard.
I know you don't want to worry anyone.
I know the hospital isn't your favourite place.
I know this isn't the ideal situation to be in.
I know you'd rather convince yourself nothing serious happened.
I know telling yourself and everyone else that you're going to be fine is very tempting.
I know it's scary.
But it's the right thing to do. Taking care of yourself is the right thing to do.

That's why I told you "please don't think it's no big deal". Because it is.
No need to call an ambulance if you're feeling better. But PLEASE do get some help as soon as possible.
This episodes will keep on occuring. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about. If you just dismiss them, there will be consequences...

I care about you and I'm really concerned...

[ThePainNeverDies]

Connor won't letr me not go to hospital.. I was just sick again, started sweating again and got a horrid headache and I feel I can't walk again.. I'm shaking like a leaf I really don't want to go, but he's said he's putting his foot down and I have to do.. I can't go against his word, so I'm going.. Now..

I need to see Connor this weekend.. He said that if I get taken to Taunton (Musgrove Park Hospital about 20 miles away), he'll come and see me no matter what, but I don't want him seeing me in hospital

i have to go, I can't tpe any longer, I'm gettign weakerand weaker. i feel sick and I'm in agony with my stomach i hope everyone's okay and will let you all know how it goes..



Sorry for worrying everyone..

[*freak*]

Don't be sorry... You're doing the right thing

I wish you the best of luck

[ThePainNeverDies]

Thank you.. I am leaving now.. While it's stopped raining..

Take care xx

[ThePainNeverDies]

I went. I have a slight UTI that can be gotten rid of by drinking lots.. And apparently I'd not eaten enough yesterday...?!?!?! I thought I'd eaten TOO MUCH!!!!! GRRRR. Not happy! So, I was told off for not eating enough and told to eat more.. Great. Plus, was told to get an early night and lie in this moring. Hmmmm. I hardly had a lie in... I have to get lots done today, so not really any time for sleeping! Apart from after it's all done of course...

She asked if I'd had breakfast before I blackedout and stuff and I said yes, which was true... I had 2 pieces of toast because I'd been feeling a bit ill all morning, but... After tha, for lunch I had 2 sandwiches and a few crisps and I think that was about it for the day, but I was drinking water and had an energy drink too, I'd have thought that would've been enough, or even too much.. For my liking anyway. But no, she told me off for not eating enough, even though I'd JUST told her I had an ED!!! But yeah.. She told me to try harder. Idiot. Mean woman. If only she knew. At least I ate SOMETHING, right?

Sigh. I'm okay though.

[ThePainNeverDies]

Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap. ED realy triggering me and now I just want to OD to get everything out of me. Don't care how much I take, don't care if it kills me, don't care about anything. Just want to be rid of this food!!

I don't want this, I hate this. I hate life as it is today. i hate myself. My stpid, fat, ugly self. I wish I could just be okay...