[Isabella12]

soooo...found out on Christmas that my boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend. This made me sick to my stomach (literally) about seven times and resulted in a 3-day long weekend of tranquilizer-popping, binge-drinking, chain-smoking, and fasting. This was capped off Monday morning with a massive panic attack resulting from my inability to walk up stairs without feeling like fainting. I'm not sure what to do about this. I think everyone deserves a second chance but the last boyfriend that I took back after cheating did it again a year later and it hurt way worse. I thought we had a perfect relationship. A good, healthy, mature relationship for once. Now it just seems like it will always be tainted. I don't know if I can forgive him. I want to, but I can't seem to look him in the eye. What's worse is that since we've been together i've totally undid all of the work I put in for four month at the gym. Stopped exercising and started eating like a pig (even breaking veganism to accomodate his cooking) because I wanted to spend more time with him and he kept telling me I looked beautiful. I suppose I let myself get "fat and happy" in a relationship. So here I am, freaking out because I can't trust him, and i've gained 13 lbs in the process. I took the day off work yesterday and today I have to work for 12 ****ing hours. This is entirely daunting. Luckily my schedule is light, but this just leaves more time to think about him and her together. Has anyone had a similar experience? What did you do? Please help. Right now all I want to do is curl up in bed and sleep all this weight off.

[Bill3]

I'm so sorry. It must have been shattering, crushing, devastating, excruciating to learn of this double betrayal of trust--on Christmas.

even breaking veganism to accomodate his cooking

You were willing to give up practically everything for him, even something so personal as your committed taste or ethical choice in food.

with my best friend

What is happening now or will happen in your relationship with her?

[Isabella12]

I was trying to compromise with him and not make it so hard for him to cook meals....now I just feel like a poser. My relationship with her is completely dissolved. I've found out that she's done some very deceptive things when I have been nothing if not an overly-kind friend to her. I'm not sure what will happen between me and him as there are some deeper issue between he and I and the story is a little convoluted. I'll be sitting down to have a long talk with him tonight. Thanks for the concern and kind words.

[matt c]

Hi Isabella.
How have things been going over the last few days since all this happened?

MC

[Isabella12]

Well, we did have a talk and I told him that I would be willing to give him a second chance but that a few things had to change. We've more-or-less been playing it by ear. I find that as long as I don't think about the "incident" it's pretty easy to act like everything's normal. I'm not sure if this is good or not, especially if he ends up screwing up again. But here's hoping. At least I'm not freaking out entirely anymore. And i'm actually eating somewhat. ...it is so disturbing that I don't fit into any of my clothes anymore...and i have no energy to exercise.

[matt c]

Hi again Isabella!

Im glad you managed to talk things over and state clearly what you needed (regarding changes to be made). It can be hard to be assertive like that..so good for you As to acting like everything is normal....dont act too much will you? He must accept that everything's NOT normal (for now), and what he did is not okay..

Anyway, sorry - Im in no position to be a relationship counsellor!!

In your other post you said: "I think if I got back to my old priorities: school, my friends, reading.... that I would feel more self-confident".
That sounds really positive. If those are whats important to you, do you think you will be able to stick with them, & look after yourself no matter what happens with relationships?

I must say, there's a calmness in the way you are writing, which is good to hear,

Best Wishes


Matt C

[Isabella12]

Sometimes I find it hard to make time for both myself and my relationship. Not just because of work obligations and such, but because I like to spend all of my free time with my boyfriend. I know I need to maintain time for myself, but it's hard to do for some reason....perhaps it's still in the honeymoon phase (we havent been together that long), but it makes me feel codependent, as i've said before. Recently i've tried incorporating things I normally do on my own into my time with him. For instance we've begun reading together. Just feels like it's all or nothing which is a little scary, considering what just happened between us. It's like I have two options: 1. keep an emotional distance and feel like i'm never truly giving my heart to someone or 2. become emotionally uninhibited and allow myself to fall head over heels but risk the utter devastation and loneliness that comes if the relationship ends. I don't know what to do. My reaction to finding out about his infidelity was certainly the most inappropriate coping i've ever done and I don't want to find myself there again. A lot of the devastation had to do with how i'd changed during our relationship and I found myself freaking out about the fact that i've gained ten lbs since we've been together. I feel like if I can keep my weight where I want it, even during the course of a happy relationship where I don't pay attention to my weight as much, that I will be okay if worst-case-scenario, it happens again and we break up. At least then I won't be alone and fat.