[catgirl]

my anorexia has basically been in remission but this summer i've gotten so many comments on how "good" i look, how i look like i've "gotten some sun" (i used to be deathly pale), how "healthy," how i've "put on some weight," etc. it's sickening. i wish people would just keep their mouth shut and not comment on how i look. i know that sounds weird but i feel like i was trying to do this for myself and now i'm losing that control because they're making appearance so important and i want it all to go away. i want to disappear, become invisible again. i weigh 107lbs and have really battled my mind to stay here. i tired, weary, ready to give up for a while. i've been exercising a lot (biking hours at a time, whole day strenuous hikes, etc) and have developed the subsequent muscles that are drawing attention. i don't want to get attention for gaining weight. i hate it. so i'm quitting. i'm not going to eat for a while because i can't take it anymore. i can't hear it all and plaster on that smiling bubbly face in response. i want to cry.

[Gemstone]

((((((catgirl))))))))))

I know what you mean. Sometimes people should just not say anything.

You are doing good. Don't let others ruin your progress. You can do this. You don't want to end up like me with a heart condition due to this disease.

[catgirl]

yes, i remember--i was on heart medication while hospitalized for anorexia and continued to take it for several months after i got out. thanks for your encouragement. it's hard for me to heed warning that i know would be good for me...i'm in this removed state where i almost think my mind's slipping back to where i don't care about what bad things happen to my body. at the time during my heart trouble i remember being terrified. now, i just hurt inside so badly that i don't care how my body is affected (it deserves to be punished) and i know that must sound so vile and evil. does this make any sense or am i cracking up?

[Gemstone]

You aren't cracking up. This is just a set back. We all have them. Your body doesn't deserve to be punished, but I know how you feel.

You can do this!

[tamzinrose]

I get you. We all feel like that sometimes. Just ride it out. I know it's hard though.

[catgirl]

thanks gem and tam...your empathy means everything....the present seems like a roller coaster.

[demolitionlover]

I think maybe that you have my opinion concerning more than just a few issues cat.

[eskielover]

I am realizing that I am starting to feel the way you were describing & may still be feeling. I have been working out with riding my horses daily.....several hours/day. I loose several lbs of fluid from dehydration & when I ended up in the hospital because of it, I gained 8 lbs from the fluids over a 24 hr period. I promptly lost that within the next week & landed back in the ER within 5 days. I have been noticing that I seem to be putting on real weight (must be from muscle strength) because I have been inching up a couple of lbs. I am riding in a dressage show later today & tried on my show cloths......oh, a tighter fit that last months show. I had bought my show cloths about 9 years ago when I was dealing with anorexia (caused by a reaction to AD's) & weighed 8 lbs less than I ever did this time. I still am not at a healthy weight, but trying on those riding pants made me realize that I am not happy weighing even a few lbs more....I still am dizzy & major dehydrated even though the few lbs have crept back on.....but like you, I feel it is time to lose them before they become permanent.

My sentiments are with you,
Debbie

[FreedomeSeeker02]

It's good to know that I am not the only one with these feelings of wanting to slip. Lately, I've been erally depressed because of my boyfriend and nervous because of college and just so many things on my mind. I get the constant comments about how "healthy" i look. I still haven't started my period and it has almost been a year since I stopped. right now, I just don't care. I've almost given up on it ever coming back. the only thing keeping me going is playing soccer in college. I am terrified of becoming overweight even though I know that the weight i am picking up is muscle. I am still having these out of control cravings at night to eat and eat, even though it is healthy foods. I just feel so out of control and i hate this feeling! When I was in the midst of my disorder, i was able to control everything. I hate this!!!!!