[cowlover22]

I have had my ed for 25 years now. Been in hospitals off and on. Never really tried to recover and now I am and I am getting no where. Was just in the hospital and got out on Tuesday and by Friday I was back to where I was before I went in. It is affecting my job as I can only work 4 hour shifts, my health (really messed my body up), aand basically other than work I have no life. I have faithfully seeing therapist, dietitians and my doctors. But I just seem to fall back to it. I start to feel the weight gain and panic. Start to resrtict slowly and goes down hill from there. I do have some good days, but that is ussually followed by more bad one. Luckily(I guess) I am to weak to work out. Really I wish I nknew what to do, how to get over it. It is just so natural that i dont even think sometimes. And now things are bad b/c I have to get a new therapist. I was seeing 2 of them(for different reasons) but now I cant see either one. The one I have known for 20 years and trust her. Now have to start all over and I dont want to. I dont want to tell anyone else my past of living in hell. What will she think? Yes I know she wouldnt think anything that is her job(I work in the medical field people think things) So went once, seeing my other therapist for the last time one Tuesday. Why even both going I keep telling myself. Why waste the money.hasnt helped so far, but I cant blame her at all it is me.and my damn ED. Really I just need to find the answer before this kills me and now without my main supports it just might. Only going to see this new person a few times and then I am quiting(have to see her to make people happy and hopefully get back to work) I get so mad at people when they keep telling me I am to malnourished to work that much plus I will burn off to many calories..I am fine, I eat why dont they believe me?

[Christina86]

Why can't you see the T you've got a good relationship with and have seen for a long time? Is it due to finances, or another reason? A lot of things can be overcome, and if that T helped you - try to find a way to continue seeing them.

Don't quit the new T. Let them help you. Get yourself admitted if you think that may help - you sound like you're in a bad spot emotionally. What are YOUR reasons for wanting to get better? What strategies have you learned to keep yourself safe and fighting back against the urge to restrict food?

[cowlover22]

Well where she works now the therapy is only supposed to be short term.17 sessions or less(I have been seeing her at that place for the last 2 years) I dont want to get her in trouble by being selfish.
I need to get better..had this way to long and it is really affecting my body. having kidney issues now, dont have a large bowel from over use of laxatives and who knows what else. Part of the reason the last hospital stay didnt help is because when I drink ensure I have to mix it with water b/c it is to rich. With all of my stomach issues it really goes right through me. As it was I was in the bathroom there at least 15 times a day with my bowels. I would have drank all of it if they would have let me just dilute it some. So I stopped drinking it..why drink it if it was going to make me sick? So since I wasnt following the program they sent me home at the lowest weight they could get away with. Besides that I just got there bill for $900.. Just so very frustrated b/c I just cant seem to get over this. Freak out everytime I feel like I am starting to gain weight. I dont look at the scale. They just tell me when I lose. The T that I was talking about called me today to see how I was and I told her maybe this is as good as it is going to get. I am eating(not what they want me to , but I am eating. They keep trying to tell me that I am malnourished to..I really dont think so but who knows what is real anymore. I dont want to give up but I dont want to have to try to trust another person. I eat dinner with my brother and his family every night before I go to work so that way i am eating before I go in. I also try to eat something there and when I get home to. But I guess salads, aplles and toast just dont cut it even though I feel like I am eating so much....feel like quiting..maybe this is gods way of telling me to take a brake. I just dont want to spiral down to fast (or at all)
Thank you for your concern!

[Christina86]

I am glad you're at least eating something. That is really good, it is.

You would not be selfish for continuing to see the T you've seen for a while. Did THEY say that you had to stop therapy with them? If they haven't, sometimes Ts are allowed to keep some of their clients longer-term if they work well with them.

I'm sorry the hospital was such a bust. I don't like the ensure/boost/meal replacement drinks because they taste weird to me and yeah are kinda rich!! Can you get a referral to see a dietician maybe? Nutritionist?

[cowlover22]

I already see a dietician..she is wonderful! Actually anyone who can put up with me and this ED is pretty wonderful. Well the T that is leaving(actually the hospital is closing the outpatient psch..doesnt make money) has her own private practice but is afraid that i am to much of a liabilty. It is away from the city and what if something were to happen while I was there..ie pass out. But after talking with her today she is afraid what will happen if I see this new person for a while and then just quit. So maybe if things dont work out she will see me after all. Keeps telling me I am going to die. Tired of hearing that and that I am malnourished..prob denial but..I told her we are all going to die anyway..then she says I am suicidal..I guess if you look at it that way..slowly I am..I have a lot of major health problems. Some because of the Ed and others because of my lupus. I am greatful that she cares so much, but I just dont want to see anyone else because I cant tell her all the reasons why I hate myself. Very extensive abuse history and only 2 people know of it and that tool me years to trust them. But for now I just keep trying to plug along..really though I just dont understand how some people can get over this and well I havent. Guess I have had it for so long and I am told I am one of her worse cases but still...I dont want it anymore! Have good days..start to gain weight and just freak out.

I really dont like ensure but I just glup it down. I dont eat things because I like the taste of them. If I did I prob wouldnt eat half the things I do.. Well at least I know somebody cares..but why I have no idea/ dont know why I have so many people that like me. Plus if they knew the real me they wouldnt like me anyway..Dont know if this even makes sense or not. Have the time I dont know if it is the ED thoughts or my own. It is really hard to analize all of your thoughts.
Thanks again for the support. Hopefully I will beat this damn disease and be able to help people someday..not have people learn b/c of my death or something like that..Well better get to bed..Have a good day..Are you recovered?

[Christina86]

Originally Posted by cowlover22

I already see a dietician..she is wonderful! Actually anyone who can put up with me and this ED is pretty wonderful.

Hey, I'm glad you have someone who cares. You deserve that.

Well the T that is leaving(actually the hospital is closing the outpatient psch..doesnt make money) has her own private practice but is afraid that i am to much of a liabilty. It is away from the city and what if something were to happen while I was there..ie pass out. But after talking with her today she is afraid what will happen if I see this new person for a while and then just quit. So maybe if things dont work out she will see me after all.

I do hope that she continues to see you. But you may have to work hard to prove that you WON'T be a liability for her and that you want to get better. Some part of you does, otherwise you wouldn't keep going back to therapy.

Keeps telling me I am going to die. Tired of hearing that and that I am malnourished..prob denial but..I told her we are all going to die anyway..then she says I am suicidal..I guess if you look at it that way..slowly I am..I have a lot of major health problems. Some because of the Ed and others because of my lupus.

We are all going to die eventually, true. But that doesn't mean we should hasten our death. There has got to be some things you've always wanted to do with your life and haven't yet...? I have a lot of major health problems too. It gets to you and drains your ability to cope sometimes I think.

I am greatful that she cares so much, but I just dont want to see anyone else because I cant tell her all the reasons why I hate myself. Very extensive abuse history and only 2 people know of it and that tool me years to trust them. But for now I just keep trying to plug along..really though I just dont understand how some people can get over this and well I havent. Guess I have had it for so long and I am told I am one of her worse cases but still...I dont want it anymore! Have good days..start to gain weight and just freak out.

I'm glad she cares. Do try to be honest with her. You can print off your posts here, maybe like this one, to give to her. It could help start a conversation. Addictions like eating disorders are hard to beat, and it depends on so many different things and how well you cope... there is no "right way" to quit an eating disorder. It's just really hard.

I really dont like ensure but I just glup it down. I dont eat things because I like the taste of them. If I did I prob wouldnt eat half the things I do.. Well at least I know somebody cares..but why I have no idea/ dont know why I have so many people that like me. Plus if they knew the real me they wouldnt like me anyway..Dont know if this even makes sense or not. Have the time I dont know if it is the ED thoughts or my own. It is really hard to analize all of your thoughts.

It IS hard to analyze thoughts! I know the thought of "if only they REALLY knew me, they wouldn't like me". It's been one of mine sometimes too. Eating disorders correspond with depression, and it IS a thought that isn't really your own. And it's a bad thought to have and hard to beat. But I do know that if YOU knew yourself as the positive person other people see -- that you would like you. It's just hard to get to that spot.

Thanks again for the support. Hopefully I will beat this damn disease and be able to help people someday..not have people learn b/c of my death or something like that..Well better get to bed..Have a good day..Are you recovered?

You will beat it. And help lots of people. Hey, you can help people while you're fighting it. See if you can give talks or advice to people who might be developing an ED - show them how it really is and how it affects your life. So maybe other people can be spared a similar suffering.

I'm off to bed soon myself. Have a good day.

And no, not really recovered. Although by comparison I guess I don't really have a severe ED, just really bad patterns of behaviour. I vascillate between eating too much and not eating at all... all the time.

[cowlover22]

Well I see that you graduated with a degree in social work...yep you definitely went into the right field..thanks for giving me some more insight to things. I would be ok if I just didnt think or if I treated myself like I treat everyone else. Prob true for most of us. some day I will get there..someday...