I just tried to purge for the first time.

So yeah... I just tried to make myself throw up for the first time. I had been having the urge for the past two days and today I finally tried to do it. I wasn't successful - just a bunch of saliva. I have never really engaged in any kind of eating disordered behaviour before. I don't think this has anything to do with trying to lose weight. I used to cut myself a little while ago but have since stopped. It is like my mind is thinking "well if can't harm myself that way, let's do this". What is wrong with me? I feel so sick now and my stomach really hurts

Sorry to be annoying but can someone please reply? I'm really scared and worried

You're not annoying, I just now saw your post! I don't really know how to answer though! (I hope that doesn't come off wrong...)
Sometimes the stomach ache (well, in my opinion, which is NOT a doctor opinion, mind you!) I think is the body's way of saying "don't do this."
I have experienced the stomach pain afterwards that you describe, and that is what I chalk it up to...as a guess though.
Is there someone you can talk to (like a T or a counselor) about different ways to cope with the emotions that are coming up for you?

HEY,

Your not annoying at all, that's why we all are here, to have someone to talk to. I'm sorry to hear you are trying to purge. Purging can cause all kinds of problems. If you keep having thoughts about hurting yourself you should talk to a counselor or a close friend. You can always drop me a line when you need to talk.

Thank you both for the replies. I definitely will never be doing this again; it was by far one of the worst experiences of my life! I know I should talk to my T about it but I am just so ashamed. I also keep thinking " well if I am never going to do it again what's the harm in pretending it never happened?". I think the sick feeling is mostly from anxiety because it is now the next day and I still don't feel like myself. I am also a bit of a hypochondriac so I think I have done a pretty good job at freaking myself out!

I can relate to the position you found yourself in.
I know its hard to talk to T and if you've sworn yourself of this particular sh, maybe IT doesn't need to be mentioned but I think you should tell T that you felt the urge to do things that you think replace the old sh.

I am glad that you decided that you are not going to engage in this again. Its can be frightening, i know, because you probably never thought that you were *that* unstable that you would do that. i know thats how i felt when i first did it.

as for talking to t, yes. please talk to t. he/she will want to know about it. because just because it happened once, doesn't mean it wont happen again. our mind does funny things when we are freaked out. by telling him/her, they can help you with coping mechanisms for if you feel like that again, and also help you look for signs that it may be happening again.

as for anxiety, breathe. then immediatley go do something else. try not to "think" too much, because that just begins the anxious sprial, and the wheels spin, and you just freak out.

Hi I don't think you can develop a eating disorder that way. So maybe something else is going on. Yes talk to your t.

Im sorry you felt you had to do that to yourself

I think disclosure is wise, t will want to know. There's no reason to feel ashamed.

I am sorry that you feel so much pain that you felt you had to do something to relieve it since you have been ok in stopping with your other sh actions.

I know when stress gets really high in my life...my stomach hurts so bad & feels so sick that I can't even get myself to eat or drink......& when that stress extends on for a long while (several months or more)......I usually end up loosing too much weight because of being just at the safe point in the first place....it doesn't provide any room for dealing with stress.

I think most of all you need to talk to your T about what was/is causing you to feel that need to purge....or do whatever to yourself to take the pain away.....that is really the topic you need to work on with your T.

The real fact is that ED's are never just ED's in the first place....there are usually serious things in our past that have caused the issues that take us to the place of needing to control something & eating is usually the easiest thing to control & usually the ONLY thing we can control in our life. Studies have shown that people who have come from abusive childhoods are the ones most likely to end up with ED's. ED treatment goes much deeper than just treating the ED if it's to really be helped.

The fact that you were unable to make your self throw up....is definitely a good thing. The fact that you have sh tendencies....is definitely something you need to work on in T & is a very important issue to deal with.

A single isolated incident probably does not make you meet the criteria for an ED by itself, but it is still very important to tell your T, even if you have resolved to never try again. It is already a fact of your past which needs a disclosure.

I didn't realise I was still getting replies on this thread! Thanks everyone for the support; it means a lot.

I am sorry to say I have actually tried to purge again I must like torturing myself or something. I keep thinking about doing it again even though I hate doing it. I have even been thinking of other ways to purge (laxatives) but I have so far resisted purchasing any. Ugh, I am such a mess.

You don't want to even go there I can tell you that your body becomes dependent on them & they your normal body function stops & then all kinds of other bad things can happen. You end up doing so much damage to your body & sometimes it can't recover & surgery end up being required to remove to remove the colon....going around having to wear a bag & change it is not what you really want for your life I'm sure....so just don't go there in the first place & you won't have to worry about any of the problems that come from a behavior that is harmful to your health. You aren't there......don't go there.

Hmm ... You mentioned that you used to self injure and stopped doing that a while ago ... Could it be possible that you're attempting to subsitute this behavior for that one ... ???

I'd definitely discuss it with my therapist sooner than later ... !!!

i'm glad you're not thinking about doing this again.

hugs

Do you sleep on your own or do you use medications to fall asleep and/or stay asleep?

I sleep on my own. It sometimes takes a while (around 1hr usually) but I don't use any medications to help with sleep. Why do you ask?

If you can sleep on your own, would you accept an offer to take a habit-forming sleep aid that would produce all sorts of bad side effects?

Yeah, I totally get your point. I am not going to take any laxatives. I keep reminding myself that these are just thoughts and as long as I don't act on them, they can't harm me. It seems I want to punish myself for some reason... I am seeing T tomorrow so I will discuss this with her.

That is wonderful that you are going to discuss these thoughts with T. And please have some joy: your bodily functions are working properly (sleep, elimination), which is a very good thing. I need a drug to sleep, so I at least try to be happy that all other bodily functions: elimination, sweating from exercise, sexual desire and orgasm, in the past getting pregnant, carrying a baby, delivering and breastfeeding, heart rate elevation when exercising, etc. are in good working order.

I hope that eventually you will be free from these thoughts, and in the meantime am so glad that you are not acting on them in reality.

Hamster, I had never looked at it like that; that is a really good/insightful metaphor. Thanks!

I only started looking at it this way when I came to the realization that I cannot sleep without drugs - my brain fails me. The lactation function, which is a pretty complex function, has never failed me, but sleeping - sleeping does.