scared and regretting my choices

I just started seeking help to recover, I see my T every 2 weeks right now. I've only seen her 5 times now- so yea very new to this whole concept and still struggling with some very basic things so please forgive me ahead of time.

anyway- I'm really really scared to death this week my eating has been out of control. I have spent years restricting and being "perfect" right ? well now I feel like I can't stop eating. even when I'm not hungry; when I'm stuffed I just keep eating. I don't know what's going on, like somehow seeking help my brain just assumes I can effing eat now!?! like I've been given some sort of pass? it would be different if I was eating like a normal human being but I'm out of control. I'm a monster. I'm terrified. what if I never have any self control again, what if I continue to eat and eat and eat and I end up overweight like **** I'm so scared. I don't know who to turn to. I feel like seeing a T has been an awful decision. I'm scared and alone and I don't want to do this anymore.

how do you cope when you're alone, am I going to end up obese? I feel like I'm about to go insane. has anyone had this happen

Re-feeding after you have been depriving your body for so long is one of the scariest and most isolating aspects of an eating disorder. I understand how your whole world is built on this concept of control and when you begin to eat (whether or not it is truly out of control eating or not) it feels like you are losing everything that held meaning to you.

It will get better - if you can avoid the temptation of using behaviors. Your body is trying its best to sort itself out. No matter how much we try to control them, they are perfect and miraculous machines that will do whatever it needs to get fuel and stay nourished. You will not end up obese, I know it feels that way but you wont. If you can stick to regular meal/snack times your body will eventually figure out that there isn't another round of starvation coming and you wont be subjected to the big binges. Hang in there...it can get better.

it's too scary and isolating. I don't know how to cope. I'm at the point of crying and hyperventilating in my car before work. and that's not me, I don't cry and generally "have my **** together" most days. wtf is wrong with me. I'm scared I can't go back to T bc if I gained weight she'll see that as a failure like I never had an ED. I KNOW that's sound absurd but I can't go back fatter I can't. how can I handle work tonight I'm freaking out. I feel like I'm failing as a human being. there's no one in real life I can call and vent to. I feel so freaking alone right now.

But the idea that your T will think you look fatter is ALL eating disorder talking....it's not based in reality. And, eating disorders come,in all shapes and sizes...if your T knows anything about EDs, then she would know that you can be overweight and suffering from a lethal eating disorder. When I am feeling the way you are, I try and take a mental step back and ask myself where all of this extreme panic and anxiety is coming from...remember, the eating disorder is distracting you from focusing on your true feelings.

Hi cka...I'm sorry to hear you're having such a hard time right now. Out of curiosity, what makes you say that your T will judge you/not believe you have an ED because of the weight gain? Have they given you any indication not to trust them? I only ask because any T worth the effort of seeing would understand that EDs are not about outward appearances. I hope you are able to find some healing and sanity around what you are experiencing right now.

You are confused; very confused. So that part is wrong with you, but it is fixable.

T is your paid helper. Whatever T does for you is being reimbursed via the fee. Other than paying the T the agreed-upon fee, you have no duties vis-a-vis the T. So, treat her as a car mechanic. She is not much different from a car mechanic - she has specialized skills plus the ability to diagnose and treat problems. Do you feel a sense of duty to your car mechanic (beyond paying for services)? Well, the same applies to the T.

Right now, having T is being counterproductive: you had the ED problem, and now, without being cured of that, you have acquired a new problem of feeling that you must be certain weight to make the T happy that she has given you a correct diagnosis, or else, you would feel like a failure. This IS absurd. Entirely absurd. But I do not think that it is her fault (yet) - you just need to change your attitude. Do not give up on her.

The thread says that you are "regretting your choices".

You are not making any choices. It is not as if you were calmly making a choice between a glass of red wine and a glass of white wine based on your own preferences or a sommelier's recommendations. No, you are OUT OF CONTROL. You are not a monster, but you are OUT OF CONTROL.

So you are not making any choices, because to make choices, you need to have minimal self-control, and you do not have it. So, there is nothing to regret. You are not making good choices OR bad choices - you are not making ANY choices because you are out of control, and you are out of control because you have a severe disorder, which needs treatment. It will not be treated via blaming yourself, via calling yourself names such as "monster", etc. All of that is counterproductive.

You are not alone in your confusion and fear. The following links to some articles might be of help to you. However, please bear in mind that these articles are not written by a doctor and I don't think they have been validated by the medical community. Still, many people recovering from EDs seem to follow the guidelines highlighted on this woman's website. Take what you read with a pinch of salt, or discuss it with you therapist and/or doctor.

Your Eatopia - Blog - Extreme Hunger: Profoundly Disturbing
Your Eatopia - Blog - Time and Scope: Recovery Is Tough
Your Eatopia - Blog - Bingeing is Not Bingeing (this one is pretty controversial)