question

I'm not sure what I should do anymore.

I guess I'm searching for reinforcement that this isn't all in my head.
I'm not going to attempt to write with style or eloquence--both of which I am accustomed to.
I've been battling with self-hatred and poor self-esteem my entire life.
The poor esteem finally snowballed after years of investigation. Slowly I learned about starvation, purging, and self-mutilation. I dabbled in it for years before I jumped in headfirst. I had always been concerned with my appearance, but one year seemed to just...set it off.
Within one summer, I lost twenty pounds. I received lots of positive reinforcement. I continued until I lost another 20, but after that, I still received attention--but not positive. My friends and boyfriend of the time accused me of starvation--they were right, but of course I never admitted.
I made an effort at recovery after I passed out at track practice.
I was successful for a few years, but one afternoon I tried on my old "skinny" clothes. I haven't been the same since.
I have been through cycles of normalcy, starvation, and bulimia, all to result in a lower self-esteem.

My refusal to wear certain clothes has impaired my social life--going to pools, going to clubs, that sort of thing.

I've been debating seeking professional help. I'm tired of counting calories and exercising until I can't stand anymore. But...I don't feel like I am bad enough to deserve it. I'm not skinny...in fact, I'm probably overweight. I don't look sick, and I'm afraid I'll be told I don't need help. That I'm fine.
In reality I know I'm not fine, but I guess I just need to hear it from other people. My heart says I'm ill, my mind says I'm not.
I have plans of restriction, dieting, goal weights, and I punish myself for breaking these "rules"---be it through mutilation or fasting.

Should I seek help? What do I do? Where do I go? It all sounds so...cliche.
I guess after all these years my mind is finally breaking free and trying to tell me I need help.

I feel like there are two people arguing in my head.

Welcome to Psych Central!

I think one of the biggest myths about eating disorders is u need to be super-skinny to have one. what u're doing is unhealthy both physically and mentally so, yes, u should get help. i guess if u are a school or college, the counselling services there are a good place to start. or u could see your doctor and ask them for a referral to a specialist - they should know where your next port of call is. good luck, as a former anorexic i know that fighting an eating disorder is hard work, but i can assure you what awaits u on the other side is more than worth it. u are too good a person to continue to suffer like this - please seek help and take care.

You are obsessed with it. I obsess with it myself. My condition isn't quite as serious as yours. I do not over exercise or lose weight from not eating. I should for the amount of restricting I have done but never get lower in weight. Anyway. You reach out for help, you admit that it is overboard. Good for you. Now the next step is listing food that you will eat. Making up menus that you will stay with and go for. It is all routine and have a eating disorder can be improved if me and you make effort to do better. we make effort to do a bit better. We start to work on a goal of eating better, because we actually do care for ourselves and we are able to feed ourself the right amount of food, and do just the right amount of exercise, and journal the right amount. We can do it, and we can keep working on US.

I guess if it was me & I really wanted to know where I am at this exact point, I would go to my GP.......tell him that you have had eating issues & ask him if he could do a blood test to see if that showes up anything obvious. I know when I lost so much weight last year, my GP had me in the hospital for 2 months (my blood test showed up anemia & malnutrition). He did over $60,000 of tests to determine if it was anything physical that was causing the problem. (yes, I had the problem about 8 years prior to that because of a med I was on & then I wanted to stay thin).

Once he determined that it wasn't anything physical, he talked it over with my pdoc that I have had for years dealing with my depression & anxiety. If it is determined that it is a mental issue with you, then a good pdoc & psychologist that knows how to deal with ED's is the best thing you can do for yourself. They only wanted me in an ED treatment center when both my physical & mental issues were in a dangerous place & both needed treatment.....otherwise, it can be something that can be taken care of as an outpatient.

Hope you can find the people who can help you,
Debbie