eating disorder's daily check in spot

I had a really horrible weekend... one thing after another. Trying to not let that impact my recovery, I think I've been doing a good job so far.

Still feel good when I eat one real meal a day......a friend brought some fresh picked blueberries.....I ate all the a handfull of them & then used the handfull to cook an interesting sauce for the scallops I made.....put that over lettuce & that was my meal yesterday.......

Hate figuring out what to eat, so that's my worst problem....I can think about it for 24 hours & never figure out what I really want to fix to eat....so I eat nothing until I finally figure it out.

I did buy some gorgeous fruit today at the grocery.....apricots, white nectarines & a plumcot......wow had never tasted one of those before....it's soooooooo good.

I found some yummy natural sweet potato chips that are free from preservatives & use sea salt & safflower oil .....these make a great snack......also the mango fruit cicles I found are great & refreshing on these hot days.

Actually splurged yesterday after church & had a bowl of chocolate ice cream I sat on my front porch & ate & Tawny enjoyed licking my bowl clean....very seldom do we enjoy those kinds of treats for ourself let along sharing with my pups.

Lost more weight than I wanted a few weeks ago when going through a stressful situation. Glad the situation didn't continue on for more time than it did......just now being able to gain back what I lost & settle back into the ok zone. Always afraid when things like that hit that the weight loss will continue for too long & it's so difficult to deal with while in the stressed mode.....almost like my metabolism ramps up but also can't eat anything without it going through as diarrhea & that takes longer to get through than just the stress.

Not feeling well today makes it hard to decide what to eat when I really don't feel like eating after last week. I did manage to eat a bowl of cereal, some chicken salad, and some brisket potatoes and greenbeans. It is a lot easier when there are things already fixed. I wish I had a personal chef.

I'm with you on that one for sure....it takes me forever to figure out what to cook & then forever to make it & by then, I'm not interested in eating anyway or take a couple of bites & that's enough.

Living alone & not having anyone else interested in eating doesn't help either because I have no schedule & nothing I have to conform to.....my life is basically a "whenever" life.

I feel like I'm starting to get my act together again. I have to somehow manage to eat with moderation. There were some stressful things going on that were triggering me that have been partially or fully resolved so I think that's helped too.

I see my dr, my dietician, and my ed t tomorrow. Hoping that my weight didn't change much if at all. There is a part of me that wants to know my weight, and the other part of me that wants to know. Can I fight the urge to look? I think I am going to talk to my dietician about seeing my weight and discussing it instead of freaking out everytime I see it. Kinda desensitization.

Since you relapsed after seeing your weight go above setpoint X, IMO, you're better off not knowing yet. Leave it to the professionals. They'll tell you when to worry and won't let you go too high. they have no desire to see you get fat anymore than you want to get fat.

Feeling good today, back on the wagon

prescious things

It's a great idea.....& I've tried it for other things that I need to do......I just keep setting the snooze button until it just quits alarming

I am so bad about having a schedule for anything let alone eating. Have always been that free spirit I guess even when I worked in my engineering career, I would work until I was done what I wanted to get done & then go home & come back after I woke up naturally & finally got ready to do to work (unless there was a meeting with our customer (the military). I have never done well with schedules or alarms.

I dated a guy in college that wanted to plan out my time with him month's in advance..... I kept him at arms distance for sure & would never commit to anything until it was a reasonable time....or the last minute which was more my style.

Spontaneous.....I think they call it to make it sound better than just a free willed person.

But the idea is very good & should work if I didn't have a problem with schedules

Woo Hoo.....I got my broken refrig back today after over a month......so now I can go get my food from my friends house & I am working on getting the food put away that I had in the loaner refrig from the company that fixed it.....maybe it will be easier to get to my food now & easier to eat more often.

I was working outside with my plants on my porch last night until almost midnight........ended up enjoying a mango/pineapple smoothie. It was really good, but not all the nutrition I really need.....well balanced diet......what's that???? You would think by the age of 60 I would be better with this kind of stuff.

today so far I haven't totally gorged like i have been doing, it's only 2:45 and that's all I think about doing.trying so hard to stop binging so difficult some days.

Buttrfli - just wondering how appointments went today? I was thinking of you!

Appts went well. Dr gave me a prednisone shot for my allergies and feel lots better on that issue. Ana won the urge to look battle and I didn't freak out! I am ok with that weight even though it is over my safe number. Completely forgot to mention that to my dietician, so I will call her tomorrow and let her know. She did not weigh me today. Talked with my t about where I am in the recovery process and I got the feeling that we may be moving to every other week pretty soon.

After my dr appt, I came home and made myself pancakes w/ pb and honey for breakfast. Had a sandwich for lunch and speghetti for dinner. Over all a good day.

Today was kind of an off day. I ate more than what I would have wanted, but I also refrained from binging and purging when I had the chance. But then I had that one glimpse of myself in the mirror as I stepped out of the shower and at that moment I had the whole "realization" that I've had a thousand times before: I'm fat, I'm ugly, I'm disgusting, I'm an abomination. I know I'm working on it, and I'm making progress (and have made some significant progress) but am nowhere near my (HEALTHY) goal, and sometimes... it really is difficult to look at myself. Sometimes, I'm tired of putting my life on hold until that moment I reach my "goal weight." I know that's an unhealthy strategy, and something I still need to work on.

Maybe, I just need to avoid mirrors for a while.

I've been struggling with EDNOS off and on my whole life. I'm eating mostly okay now, but I'm having body image issues because of the weight I gained. Got triggered last night when out with friends when I saw an anorexic woman, which resulted in having a panic attack in front of my friends, which I was embarrassed about. Now I'm feeling really ugly.

I'm kicking *** and taking names today. Actually, today I'm not even bothering with the names. I'm proud of my fat ***. I don't want to change it. There are so many other things about me that are improving. I know my body will sort itself out. I know that my struggles are far from over. But I have reached a point where I will no longer make excuses for my body. To anyone. When I catch myself doing it, I gently guide myself back to the path. I have been symptom free for over two and a half months. I have struggled my whole life. I will not be afraid of food anymore. I will not run and hide. And I will not let people and their ridiculous opinions get me down. And, quietly, gently, I will work on my own.
Wishing you all the best, whatever your goals are.

Relapse today. I can't even look at myself without almost tearing up. Is it possible to suffocate in one's own disgust?

Some of my co-workers are having a very public weight loss contest. First they didn't offer for me to join, which made me feel left out. Then they did offer for me to join in if I wanted, which made me feel fat.
So I have to confront a list of everyone's percent of weight loss on a daily basis, plus I've done very poorly resisting the temptation of the addition of the scale in the office. I really hate this.
They are trying to be more healthy, so I don't feel I can protest. I just need to do a better job being strong in the face of a LOT of triggers. I'm not sure how to proceed because I'm failing pretty badly.
I did at least resist joining the contest. At least officially. I'm somewhat concerned that I've joined it in my mind.

Didn't do too well over the weekend meal wise. I mean I did good when I ate, it's just that I didn't eat every meal. I can't fall into Ana's trap. Food is fuel and I need fuel.

That sounds really hard Gr3tta. I don't know how I would cope with that.

Check in wise - I am doing really good! I am eating properly and not freaking out too much about weight gain - my husband has been really supportive. I feel like I have lots more energy and my hair isn't falling out too much now. I'm stil bruising easily - but baby steps

Today was much better. I had 2 fruit smoothies, a pb&j, and then chips & salsa with quesadillas for dinner.

Today was big: I told T my whole story with Ed and I ate my first real meal in...I don't even know how long...

It's so much easier when I have food already made that I can just go to the refrig & get something out to eat rather than have to fix it......I always spend so much time trying to figure out what I want to fix that I end up fixing nothing. Brought some really good chicken salad with the grapes in it home from our church patriotic service & social last Sunday. 2 days of good chicken salad sandwiches was nice.

My kitchen has been inundated by ants & it makes it difficult to find a place to even fix something to eat. I made some oatmeal, pumpkin, cranberry cookies for a get together with friends last night. I didn't make all the cookies & put the cookie dough into the refrig so I can make a few cookies at a time....that way they are fresh when I want them. All my friends are overweight.....while I'm just at a healthy weight right now........I understand when all others are on a diet while I don't need to be on one.....& it's so easy for me to loose weight while it's so difficult for them.....sometimes it's a really awkward feeling.

I can eat normal when I'm either out with others or have easy to make food around the house.....it's a lot easier now that I have a working refrig back & cleaned out my refrig so I can get to everything.....easy....I realized how much it effected my ability to make food when I it was hard to get to & didn't know what I had available to eat.....but I still get lazy about cooking.....it's such a chore & I don't have the money for the snack food that makes it easy to snack on instead of eating a balanced meal.......so it's just easier to do without most of the time......& most of the time I just don't have a desire to eat or have a hunger for anything that really appeals to me.

Today was challenging. It was my second full day after talking to T, and unfortunately, it was just a day after talking to pdoc who weighed me...so I didn't do very well. I had a fruit and yogurt smoothie, a handful of cereal, and about a half portion of spaghetti with chicken and pesto which was super hard for me to eat because I had already tried so hard to eat the "right" amount yesterday. I was literally almost in tears doing it and it took me at least 20 minutes to finish. My pdoc is right though, it's good that I'm emetophobic (I told her that when she asked if I ever purge)...because if I weren't, I have a feeling that all would've gone down the toilet. And even though I barely made any success today, it feels like too much. I told myself that if I finished my spaghetti I wouldn't have to eat again today...totally defeatist I may eat some fruit later...fruit is on my "good" list, so if I can eat a serving of fruit later, then today will have been pretty successful -- eating 3 times rather than 1 or 2.

I feel really sick and guilty and I wish I could just eat a normal meal. This is exactly how I've felt so many times. You'd think I would've figured it out by now.