[Grey Matter]

I will weigh myself maybe once or twice a month because I have a panic attack every time I do it, and even though I know I need to keep track of it for health reasons, it is still scary.

Today I had an important doctors appointment, and they weighed me. Which makes perfect sense. I will close my eyes in order not to see the number. But this scale, well, it bloody well SAID the number out-loud, and my mom was in the room, and In that moment I felt like I was going to sob and shut down and completely ruin this appointment.

I didn't ruin the appointment. I just ruined my day. I keep hearing the number over and over and over again, it wont stop.

The doctor insists on weighing me I hate it I hate it I always refuse and I never want to know the number because its always too high.

I hope you feel better.

I am not a number.

I am a human being.

Thankfully, I have a doctor that has given me permission to throw my scales away ... I panicked at first, hearing that thud inside the dumpster ... But now it's rather nice to not have that obsessive compulsive anchor hanging around my neck.

Who came up with the idea that there's an ideal weight anyway? ... We aren't a one size fits all cookie cutter design ... We're human beings DAMMIT ... !!!

When I go for my physical next year, I'll get weighed ... I'll either be up, down or the same ... Either way, I'm not gonna sweat it ... I'm doing the best I can, and that's all I can do.

[Grey Matter]

Pfrog, I really wish I could be like you. Maybe one day I will get there.

I want to love my body, not be repulsed by it.

[MoxieDoxie]

My job and health insurance team up to do a wellness insentive......know your numbers. They weight you to get your BMI. If your glucose, cholesterol, BMI, and nicotine free you get $400 off your cost for the year. I am so scared to get on the scale and see i weight more than last year. I am trying to diet before I go. I have 2 weeks.

I know what you mean. I weigh myself 10 times a day at least. It's torture and I do it to m;yself

[Victoria'smom]

My husband convinced me not to take my scale last time we moved, I actually cried! My pdoc weighs me and my GP weighs me. So I get weighed at least once a month. I'm not coordinated enough to close my eyes and step anywhere without tripping. I admire that you tried your best not to know. Did your mom or dr. say anything?

[Grey Matter]

My mom just rubbed my shoulder because she saw how upset I was. I am meant to be gaining weight, but alas. The doctor didn't say much at all. She was jumping right into the appointment and asking me specific questions, thank god. I just need to get the number out of my head. It's so hard.

Originally Posted by Teen Idle

I want to love my body, not be repulsed by it.

Me too, Teen Idle ... ...

Me Too!

[sunsetsunrise]

oh teen idol. I am so sorry this happened to you. I am so sorry the number keeps being repeated in your mind.

I wish I knew how to get rid of the number which is on auto repeat in your mind. Do you think you might want to try to imagine putting the voice and number in a beautiful golden balloon sun and send it away to the clouds. Every single time you hear it. Until you do not hear it again? Maybe even then fill your mind with beautiful golden sunshine balloons so there is no room for the voice? Until it is not there anymore? Or maybe imagine very powerful and mighty fairies with magic wands dissolving the words, each time you hear them? Ask them to help with it all? I do not know. But its a suggestion. I wish I could help. from my heart to your wonderful heart:

[Grey Matter]

You are always so lovely to me, Sun. Thank you.

Today I worked on it a lot. I wrote down my weight on paper, and I tore it up. And to avoid gathering the pieces again (OCD...doesn't mix well) I flushed them down the toilet (sorry mom and internal plumbing). I drank a lot of tea today and, despite that number, I ate breakfast, lunch, a snack (which involved a cookie) and I am waiting for dinner to be ready. I don't want that number haunting my life or ruining my health. That number was GOOD. It showed me that I am doing well! And that I should be proud! It's just the ill part of my brain that is telling me I should be ashamed.

I have been clinging onto restricting and keeping my numbers low for so long that I forgot how it feels to have some energy. And I forgot how it is to get excited about good food, and not to get nervous and panicky over it. I am not saying that, in one day, I was cured. But after thinking about it all night and all day, I know that I am doing the right thing for my body. And, despite it all, I am proud of myself right now.

[sunsetsunrise]

Originally Posted by Teen Idle

You are always so lovely to me, Sun. Thank you.

Today I worked on it a lot. I wrote down my weight on paper, and I tore it up. And to avoid gathering the pieces again (OCD...doesn't mix well) I flushed them down the toilet (sorry mom and internal plumbing). I drank a lot of tea today and, despite that number, I ate breakfast, lunch, a snack (which involved a cookie) and I am waiting for dinner to be ready. I don't want that number haunting my life or ruining my health. That number was GOOD. It showed me that I am doing well! And that I should be proud! It's just the ill part of my brain that is telling me I should be ashamed.

I have been clinging onto restricting and keeping my numbers low for so long that I forgot how it feels to have some energy. And I forgot how it is to get excited about good food, and not to get nervous and panicky over it. I am not saying that, in one day, I was cured. But after thinking about it all night and all day, I know that I am doing the right thing for my body. And, despite it all, I am proud of myself right now.

you rock !!!!! I am so impressed that you figured out a way to deal with the bumps and bruises that happened. Its a rocky bumpy winding road full of twists and turns and roadblocks. But I really believe you have what it takes to stay on that path to recovery. Setbacks.... like today? yes. But I believe with all my heart that you are going to make it. Great idea about flushing the words down the toilet. I love it.

I came back here because I thought of something I had forgotten. Singing. It blocks the mind from all the wackiness, supposedly. I heard it from a teleconference with an awesome woman named Sonya Choquette. She said that the mind cant be obsessing etc on things when we are singing. And I know someone who sings all the time when her mind is too busy with stuff. Its how she manages it.

But you already found your own way. Paper and a toilet And you ate.
Again, I simply say.........you rock !!

[loosethecordsoforio]

oh, i sympathize about the scale. i told my dr. my plan to give mine away. he approved.
also, he is very understanding in me not getting weighed. he says the fluctuations we see can
change on so many things anyway.

[Grey Matter]

That's good! I am going to bring it up to my doctor next week and say it really is irrelevant. I haven't been given meds that are dependent on weight, etc. So it's really just to chart me. I see a change in myself, in a healthy way, so I don't need the damn numbers.