[Lindsay]

I know its unhealthy and that I am basically just slowly killing myself, but I don't want to give it up. Not just yet. I am still fat. My therapist wants me to give it up but I can't, I won't, not yet. I want to be pretty for once. I won't be pretty till I get to 90lbs...right now I am 5 7 and weigh 120...fat I know. <font color="purple"> </font>

[ickydog2006]

hun... that is not even close to fat.

I am 5'2" and the doctor said I wouldn't be healthy if I get below 112 lbs.

My roomate is so pretty and is as skinny as would be healthy and she is 5'7" and weighs 147 lbs.

You are NOT fat. I know you probably won't believe me but I know you arn't... and getting that skinny is not going to make you pretty. You will be just skin and bones, and skin and bones is NOT pretty.

Take care of yourself.

[Lindsay]

I want to be invisible to everyone so they can't see how fat I am.....

[ickydog2006]

If you get that skinny people are just going to look at you more and won't even notice how pretty you are... all they will notice is how unhealthy you look.

[Lindsay]

I just can't give it up

[veritymoon]

do you have anyone you can confine in?

if your struggling to eat try to take some vitamins if you can or a nutrient shake.

its ok not to be ready to recover knowing you have a problem is a huge step.

try to take care of yourself.

[Lindsay]

I do talk to a therapist. She said that if I don't eat atleast 1000cals a day she is gonna make me drink boost or ensure. There is no way I can eat that many calories. I can't even make it to 500. And there is no way i am drinking that nasty stuff either. So i don't know what I am going to do. I am freaking fat...I don't need to eat anymore food. I hate food...and food hates me.

[eskielover]

Got news for you, I am 5'2" & when I got down to 93lbs last year, I kept passing out & ended up hospitalized medically for about 2 months with a central line & TPN (IV nutrition). You may want to be that thin, but your body doesn't.

Do you really want to be that sick to the point where you are passing out (who knows where or when). Do you want to be taken to th ER & having them hospitalize you & have to agree to having either a central line or a feeding tube otherwise they will put you on a 72 hour hold?

I know that anorexia isn't logical. I have experienced it 2 times (the first time I was down to 83lbs) before anyone realized it. I was put into a treatment center that time for a month. The first time, it was my body's reaction to prozac. I just felt so sick & kept loosing weight because everytime I ate & fetl sick......then I decided that I really wanted to be thin for the first time in my life. I also didn't care about living at the time either. For almost a year after the treatment center, I kept my weight in the low 90's & ended up passing out all the time too. Everytime that happened, I ended up in the hospital having to have a central line & IV nutrition. I can tell you, the central line is nothing to want. It is actually a surgery done by an anetheisologist where they put an IV line into your upper chest & it goes close to your heart. It especially isn't fun when they puncture your lung & then you end up worse than your were.

Somehow, my weight go to a fairly normal level & I guess because my migraines were so bad & couldn't get out of bed to do anything, I ended up gaining weight to be fat.

When I went through a stressful trauma with my Mother when she was dying of cancer, I ended up with nausea that made me not feel like eating. That was the last time when my weight went down to the 93 & was medically hospitalized for about 2 months at the time my Mother died. Because of the problems I was having after the trauma, I just couldn't control the nausea & have been only able to stabalize my weight at around 100lbs. I still get dizzy & have nausea, but am able to at least function & actually look pretty good in my cloths. The bulges aren't there & I am pretty satisfied between the 100 & 104.

I would suggest that you not aim for the 90lbs unless you really want to have a horrible life style. When I was 93 lbs, I looked like a walking skeleton & IT WASN'T PRETTY. It you really want to look pretty, you need to find the weight for your height & exercise so that your muscles are keeping the bulges away.

I have realized that I can be thin & look good without having anorexia. I have periods where I end up not eating to loose a few pounds, but I have found the amount to eat & the amount of exercise I need to stay looking GOOD & not like a walking skeleton.

You are at a safe weight now.....you need to check out your BMI....I have found that when I am at the bottom of my safe BMI, that is where I look the best in my own mind & am well enough to function & not pass out all the time. What good is it to be that thin if the only people you will see you are the nurses & Dr's who are having to treat you & keep you from dying?????

Think about what you really want to do to yourself before you decide that 90 lbs is really what you want.

Debbie

[Lindsay]

I am not happy where I am right now. I know I will never get to 90lbs cuz I don't have enough self control. Which really sucks...

[Rhapsody]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Lindsay said:
I know its unhealthy and that I am basically just slowly killing myself, but I don't want to give it up. Not just yet. I am still fat. My therapist wants me to give it up but I can't, I won't, not yet. I want to be pretty for once. I won't be pretty till I get to 90lbs...right now I am 5 7 and weigh 120...fat I know. <font color="purple"> </font>

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">


Ouch!! - I am 5' 2" and being around 110 is a good weight for ME..... both physically & visually.
You being 5' 7" would need at least 15-20 pounds more than what I need to get to - to be considered healthy.... that would be the weight of 125 to 130 lbs.

IMHO - YOU not being ready to give this up means that YOU are not or have not HEALED from the WOUND that created this disorder in the first place.... Please think about that for a minute or two.


LoVe,
Rhapsody - ((( hugs )))

[Lindsay]

Oh I know I haven't....I am still working on that in therapy...There is no doubt in my mind that I haven't healed from it yet

[Rhapsody]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Lindsay said:
Oh I know I haven't....I am still working on that in therapy...There is no doubt in my mind that I haven't healed from it yet

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">


Then you disorder will remain as long as it is your DRUG of CHOICE, as in dealing with your inner pain and wounds.

Please look into the book that I placed in the Rate & Review section here on PC.... it is called: Feeling Buried Alive Never Die - this book explains how our past control our present life and how to heal from them.

LoVe,
Rhapsody - ((( HUGS )))

[Lindsay]

Anorexia isn't my only drug of choice. I am still not ready. I even told my therapist to her face that she might as well quit trying to get me to give it up cuz I am not ready to.

[Perna]

If you're not wanting to give it up, then you won't. Why is the whole question of giving it up/not a problem for you then? You can only be for or against it, it's like being "a little bit pregnant" you can't sort of want it a little bit more, any "choice" gets out of your hands. It isn't going to become any easier to give up you know; you're never going to reach a place where "it's time" -- you're just going to become ill and have horrible things done to you. Did you see the NOVA tv show, "Dying to Be Thin?" with the oldest living anorexic?

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/thin/

It's not pretty. She works through enormous pain to live so she can serve as a bad example so other girls don't do what she did.

[veritymoon]

i disagree with the either for or against statement ( no disrespect perna). i so wanted help to get better was willing to try anything. i was sick and tired of being so unwell and hated anorexia but when it came to the crunch and time to get help i got scared really scared. it was safer easier to stay sick then face the huge mountain of recovery. the mind plays funny tricks on you when you deprive it of nutrition for so long.

[Soidhonia]

Hello I hope you are doing well at this time. I am sorry to hear that you are struggling with feeling that you are overweight, at this time. I hope you really listen to your therapist about your weight, and try to stay healthy weightwise. My name is Soidhonia and I am going to leave you my email address in case you would like to email. neohiodbsa@yahoo.com. You may email anytime , you may share anything you would like to share all informaiton is confidential. Take care Sincerely Soidhonia