[jhunter]

My husband and I are very concerned about our married daughter, age 27, because we think she may be anorexic. She is 5'9" and weighs 120. At one time, about 4 years ago,she weighed 175, and 3 years ago, she was down to 135. Now it's 120, and she is very, very thin. She loves to cook for her husband, but is a "Sugar Buster" dieter, supposedly, and does not eat what she cooks. The women on his side of the family are tall, slim and fit. Our daughter and her husband are both very intelligent---no lack of medical knowledge, but strong denial. She has a very strong will, and though he is a strong guy, she has shown herself capable of manipulation and ---just say it---lying. We do not know what is the truth anymore. They live across the country, and we visit several times a year, back and forth. We are thinking an intervention may be needed but don't know where to begin. They are very private, of course, but we are honestly afraid for her life. I've kept this brief---but where and when and how should we become involved??? Thank you so much.

[slowcadence]

Get involved now! If you don't get involved now, it may be too late for her. Get to her while she's still, hopefully, fairly healthy.
Many bulimics and anorexics are preoccupied with cooking and preparing, talking about dieting, and anything related to food. Casually mention that you're trying to drop a few pounds a see what she says.

Get involved now, I can't stress that enough. An earlier intervention can mean the difference between life and death. She needs this, whether or not she sees it just yet can be...heartwrenching. The earlier this is done, the easier it may be to help her because she might not be so set in her ways.
Get help for her now!

[dcs_no1_fan]

I have looked up the details what u put on here about ur daughter & her weight should b between 9st 9lb - 12st 1lb thats what they put as her ideal weight 4 her hight as she is that tall & weighin 8st 8lb I would get her 2 c some one I hope that helps u

[sniffles]

jhunter,
i too have looked up the details of your daughter's weight. At 5'9" and weighing in at 120 lbs., she is on the verge of being anorexic. Her bmi is 17.76. To be classified as being anorexic, the bmi stands at under 17.5 and to be classified as underweight, the bmi stands at under 19. She is only right on the edge to being classified as anorexic. As slowcadence said, early intervention is key in preventing the illness from getting any worse. She needs help now, whether or not she likes it. This can get out of hand quickly, and before she knows it, she'll either be in the hospital being tube fed in order to keep her alive, or she won't be with you anymore. Anorexia is a VERY serious illness. Getting better takes time, and right now, time is not on your side. Get her help as soon as possible love. I have dealt with anorexia/bulimia for the past 11 years. Right now, it's under control, and has been for the past year. If you have any questions or concerns, PLEASE don't hesitate to pm me. My thoughts are with you hun.
sniffles

[Sarah116]

unless she is throwing up what she eats on purpose and over exercising do not be too worried. She still cooks for him which is good. Many People with eating disorders will not even look at it, say the word or touch it in fear of the food and getting fat. So Maybe her metabolism just went up? Good luck!

[sniffles]

i would like to respond to your post sarah116. im not sure if you've ever been anorexic or bulimic, and i'm not going to ask, but i have been. for the past 11 years i have struggled on and off with eating disorders. one thing i would like to point out, is this.....just because she might not be making herself throw up or over exercising, doesn't mean that she might not have anorexia. when i first became anorexic, i didn't make myself vomit, nor did it cross my mind to exercise to excess to lose weight faster. i just simply stopped eating. was i anorexic? yes. but just because i didnt make myself sick or exercise to excess, didnt mean i still didnt have anorexia. not everyone who is anorexic, purges or exercises excessively. Take a look at something that I'm fixing to place within this post.

Signs and Symptoms

Noticeable weight loss
Becoming withdrawn
Excessive exercise
Fatigue
Always being cold
Muscle weakness
Obsession with food, calories, recipes
Excuses for not eating meals (ie. ate earlier, not feeling well)
Unusual eating habits (ie. cutting food into tiny pieces, picking at food)
Noticeable discomfort around food
Complaining of being "too fat", even when thin
Cooking for others, but not eating themselves
Restricting food choices to only diet foods
Guilt or shame about eating
Depression, irritability, mood swings
Evidence of vomiting, laxative abuse, diet pills or diuretics to control weight
Irregular menstruation
Amenorrhea(loss of menstruation)
Wearing baggy clothes to hide weight loss
Frequently checking weight on scale
Fainting spells and dizziness
Difficulty eating in public
Very secretive about eating patterns
Pale complexion (almost a pasty look)
Headaches
Perfectionistic attitude
Feelings of self worth determined by what is or is not eaten
No known physical illness that would explain weight loss

There are so many signs and symptoms that a person with anorexia can have. Just because they might not have EVERY sign or symptom, doesn't mean that they can't still be anorexic. If you paid close attention to one thing mentioned in the first post, jhunter said that her daughter still cooks for her husband, yet doesn't eat any of the food that she has prepared, herself. This is also something typical of those with anorexia. I can remember when I was really bad into anorexia, that I absolutely LOVED cooking for other people, but I wouldn't even think about touching the food myself. It made me happy to see other people eating and enjoying it, but I wanted nothing to do with the food I had prepared. It is highly unlikely that her metabolism just all of a sudden increased on its own. There would have to be a medical reason for that, and there doesn't seem to be anything physically wrong with her, other than her refusal to eat. Anyway, I just wanted to point a few things out. This post is not meant to offend in any way, so I'm sorry if it has. It's only meant to clarify a few things.
sniffles

[jhunter]

Hello to all of you---and a huge THANKS for your messages. It greatly helps to hear different perspectives. My husband and I do think our daughter is in danger---but how do we handle it? She and her husband live on the opposite coast. He is very aware, medically, but I'm afraid she is so good at denial and deceit that if she were seeing a doctor regularly, she would lie about what he said. We know we will have to risk our relationship with her however we proceed. We have thought about calling her mother in law, who would respect the confidentiality, and get her opinion of the issue. She sees our daughter and husband more frequently, and is a precious woman. We'd like to talk our daughter's husband, but that would need to be face to face, which won't happen for a couple of months. We need suggestions on how to proceed to get to the truth. We know that anorexia is not something that she can deal with on her own; but the first step is getting her to admit she needs help, which means some kind of intervention. Please let me know of any experience, suggestions, etc. The dynamics of the relationship are dicey---interference of any kind in "privacy" makes us the villians, so we are very, very careful to not intrude. (typical of young marrieds---but this is literally a life and death issue." Thanks again.

[sniffles]

jhunter,
i wanted to address your previous post. first of all..youre very welcome for the messages. second of all...to address the issue of helping your daughter....a good thing to know is that people with anorexia/bulimia are very good at denial and deceit. first of all, most people with eating disorders, at least in my experience, will stay in denial until something serious happens to them, to give them a wake-up call. for me, it was going into cardiac arrest in the hospital when i dropped to 72 pounds. when i was out of danger and aware of what had happened to me, i realized that i couldve easily died that day. second of all, when it comes to deceit, anorexics/bulimics are so very good at this. they will lie to everyone so that they dont have to eat or deal with food in any way. i personally think it would be good to talk to her mother-in-law about the situation to see if shes noticed anything changing in your daughters behavior, other than the obvious, that shes losing weight. if only you were able to talk to her husband about the problem, he might be able to give you a better idea of how things are around the house...i.e...how she acts, what she does when eating, does she seem more distant, does she seem to be carrying out unusual rituals/habits that arent normal for her, etc. you are right about one thing...the first step is getting her to admit that she needs help, however, she wont do this until she realizes that she has a problem with anorexia, which by the time she does admit to the problem, it might be too late. i think the key is to approach her as calmly as you can and express your concerns as gently as possible. dont bombard her with the news that you think she is starving herself to death. a more calm approach might be to sit her down and explain to her that you and your husband are concerned about her health, and that it appears that something is bothering her to the point of not eating. then see what she says. if she refuses to talk about the subject then try again at a later time. youre also right about one other thing...interferring in privacy can make you the villians. i can remember when i was first approached about my eating disorder, by my parents. god i went ballistic, and jumped all over them for accusing me of having an eating disorder. i denied every bit of everything they said to me. i then wanted nothing to do with my parents, because i felt they were being mean to me. personally, i think its going to take several people to help out in this situation...i.e...it may take several people expressing their concerns to her about her weight before she ever realizes that hey...maybe everyone is right....maybe i really do have a problem that needs to be taken care of. but first and foremost...until your daughter is ready to admit that she has a problem, she will most likely be resistant to any kind of help from you or anyone else for that matter. take things slowly, but not so slowly that things dont get taken care of, since she seems to be losing weight quite rapidly. please take care and keep me informed on how she is getting on.
sniffles

[jhunter]

Hi back, and thank you once again for your incredibly thoughtful and detailed message. I will most likely talk to her mother-in-law, but feel like flying cross country to talk to our daughter in person as well...AND her husband, in the same room. I want to get a "script" together with my husband, because she is very quick, and we need to be thinking of the deniabity issues...Your experience is frightening. 75 pounds??? How tall are you??? And when did you reconcile with your parents? How old were you at the time? What team of people are helping keep you on track, accountability-wise?
Thank you again!

[sniffles]

hello jhunter,
youre very welcome hun. i think getting a script together of what youre going to say to her is a great idea. it better helps you plan out your thoughts about the situation, and gives you time to process things, rather than just saying the first thing that comes to mind, which might not be the right thing to say at the time. ill answer your questions in the order you asked them.
1st question - i'm 4'8"....very short hahaha...90 pounds is on the low side of what i can safely weigh.
2nd question - it took me a very long time to reconcile with my parents, because i hated them so much for interferring in my personal life. i guess things started getting better about 4 years after the eating disorder had begun. however, now, we are back to hating each other, due to the fact that i went against them when they said they hated my husband. if they dont like him, then thats their problem, but i love him, so im going to do what i feel is the right thing to do.
3rd question - my eating disorder started at the age of 13. i dropped down to 75 pounds, within the year. so it took less than a year for me to drop the weight so quickly.
4th question - right now there isnt anyone keeping me on track and holding me accountable for my issues, other than my husband. i have a psych appt. for the first time, since ive moved here to Sheffield, on aug. 30. i will be taken on by a team of psychiatrists at the hospital. well see how it goes.
i hope this helps. please keep me informed, and please do talk to her m.i.l. to see if she can help keep an eye on your daughter, just for now, until you are able to see her for yourself. *hugs*
sniffles

[shannon9xj]

Hey hunter. I just want to send you a quick note to say that I think it is great what you are doing for your daughter. I'm not sure about anyone else but I know when it comes to my family and my ED, they would just rather pretend its not there. It is sooooooo important for a person with an ED to have alot of support. Just letting her know you are there for her is going to mean the world to her. Even if she tries to push you away or dismiss you, I promise that your concern will stay in her heart always. I wish you and your family luck! If you need any words of encouragment dont hesitate to ask!

Shannon

[Genevieve]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Sarah116 said:
unless she is throwing up what she eats on purpose and over exercising do not be too worried. She still cooks for him which is good. Many People with eating disorders will not even look at it, say the word or touch it in fear of the food and getting fat. So Maybe her metabolism just went up? Good luck!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Actually, cooking for others and not eating it is classic anorexic behavior. And that weight isn't just "maybe her metabolism going up."

As for what parents can do for a married 27 year old daughter? Easy answer: Express your concern, ONCE, to her husband. Let him know you're concerned, ask him to assure you that he is cognizant of the possibility of it being serious -- and then STOP. DO NOT discuss her weight. DO NOT discuss her eating habits with her.

If you can find her doctor's name, you can call and say you're concerned -- the doctor can't speak to you, but can listen. You can ask your daughter -- "Honey, we're worried you might be experiencing an eating disorder" -- but beyond that, the very best thing you can do is NOT try to be involved.

And listen to what she has to say. If she says, "none of your business," for heaven's sake respect that.

Sorry -- I know it's not what you want to hear. But you know what? From everything I've heard from others with eating disorders, and my own experience, I'm giving you good advice.

[Malady156]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
jhunter said:
My husband and I are very concerned about our married daughter, age 27, because we think she may be anorexic. She is 5'9" and weighs 120.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Am I missing something here? 120 is not a low weight but a normal one. In fact on short people (like me) it is too high.

[dcs_no1_fan]

I am 5ft 4in & at 120 lb i was just on normal weight so at 5ft 9 in she would be underweight

[littleone]

You really need to get involved! The best suggestion that I can give you is that, if you are really concerned about her, and if she has been losing weight, you can always look up an Intervention clinic on the internet, and see what you can come up with that is the closest, and you can get a time to go and have a chat with the staff, and see if your daughter would be willing to go to a clinic or at least a dietician or a doctor or a therapist. But if you can just help her through it by yourselves than that might work too. I dont know if any of this advice will help you at all, but I gave you all the advice I have for this. GOOD LUCK!