[Anika.]

I have been doing so well for almost 2 years. Have not been actively restricting, thinking about it, and not engaging in the thought processes either (tho this part was slower to follow). This is the absolute longest not to mention pretty much only recovery phase I have had in 30 years.

But.. Definitely feels the wheels rotating backwards here. Stress, lots of it. Situations beyond my control, my mother dx'd with cancer, and other life stresses. And I find myself reaching for that sense of control.

It was my 35th birthday on sunday. And something about that just makes me feel upset. It's not the age, it's where I am at or not at in my life. Just very triggering feelings for me all around. Again feeling like I need to gain control over some aspect here. And of course that is my go to, it's quick, available and easy. At least that is what I hear right now.

It's not tho and I know that. But three days of not eating and that addiction feels pretty tight.

I think I am posting just to get it out of my head a bit. Maybe some self accountability. I do not talk about this to people in my life and they do lack the type of insight I benefit from. I would hear "you need to eat ".. yes I know this. Or on the other hand lack of any real concern
beyond that.

Have any of you been through the lack of concern? You hear these stories of families or partners wanting to help or expressing concern. I sometime think I would have to literally drop on the floor repeatedly from heart failure or something for someone to realize I was really struggling. That 's not an exaggeration from me, and I am sorry if anyone faces that as well. Tricky to navigate that one.

Perhaps that is my own fault. I tend to be a bit or very aloof and downplay, or appear to be in control. It becomes a problem at times like these tho. And I almost wish I had that to lean on.

Thank you for listening here if you did. Not sure if I need anything or just the comfort of being heard, and understood. sorry kinda long, I work on that whole keep it short thing and then bam!

[Trippin2.0]

Oh sis, I'm so sorry you're struggling on this front

While you know that I don't know jack about ED's and what they entail, I would like to offer something...

Can you make a list of physical consequences (example cutting off your hair) you have suffered due to your ED? That way you have a point of reference of good reasons why not to.

My thinking here stems from how you needed to uncharacteristically hold onto anger in order to move forward and survive your ex, so maybe if you bare in mind what the ED has cost you....

Idk, its just a thought, and while I am clueless, you can contact me anytime if you just want someone to listen.

I'm really sorry this has crept up on you, you have more than enough to contend with.

Love you muchness

[~Christina]

Hey Sis

I sat here reading this and it breaks my heart . I know exactly how your feeling and needing control .. I have things pretty much under control except I am well on my way to restriction and unhealthy thought process with foods, again.

I stopped doing loads of self harm and it has felt great but my dysfuntional brain doesn't seem to know HOW to manage with out some form of (un) healthy was of doing so.

I glad Trippin has bring up the issues with anger and control .. I mean really what is the one thing you control to extremes,,,,,,, your food intake.

Try and allow yourself some wiggle room and not go full on anorexia right now , Yeah I know its hard ,,, But one meal aday ,, with your kids at nite at least . Increase your fluids by all means..

I'm Always here for you Sis .. Anytime

[Fuzzybear]

[Victoria'smom]

PM me as needed. It tends to pick up right where it left off. Make sure you are getting the correct amount of vitamins. That you are taking vitamins for your hair and nails. If you can choke down 16 oz of light V-8 smoothies (even in several shots a day), 3oz danactive, and an egg white, or two tea spoons of peanut butter (even if you have to close your eyes) until you can eat better. So you can keep a healthy appearance enough to get help.

Except for my husband no one was/is concerned. Only recently did my mom started to realize because I only visit 2x a year. If you can put a rule in that you eat dinner with the fam.

[eskielover]

It was 9 years ago that I was dealing with my mother who was dying of cancer & then went through a trauma with the home care person who I caught stealing her ID & abusing her while blaming me for the abuse with the police......but it was right at that time when the stress of it all imploded on my ability to eat. Everything in my life was overwhelming then my mother's situation just made it all worse.

I had a new GP because I had a horrible problem with asthma from a forest fire smoke that covered the valley I lived in & because I was going to him for that, the weight loss I was experiencing from the stress became obvious. It seemed like every where I turned, there was no way to control any of the horrible things that were happening & that along with just feeling sick from the stress making it difficult to eat made everything go down hill until I ended up in the medical hospital....just at the same time my mother actually died.

I think in some ways....I needed to be cared for......& even though it wasn't the intention with the anorexia. My GP had a psycyologist coming in to talk with me every day.......even though I don't really think they understood the whole picture of all the horrible things that had just happened to me & the trauma I went through.....they were more focused on the anorexia.....it was still a necessary part I guess to have someone taking care of me after all the trying to take care of things unsuccessfully I went through.

I think it's sort of normal to go through the not being able to eat with all you are going through.......hope things can go better than they went for me.....but I do understand what you are going through & I think that these are the things that are more seriously involved in our ED's than all the body image crap they try to shove on us as being the reason for it......the more I listen to others.....the more I understand how off base the ED treatment center was the first time (at the age of 43) when I was struggling with it then & I knew it had nothing to do with my body image.....that is only a very small part if any in the actual ED issues.

[Victoria'smom]

Hey, haven't heard from you. How are you doing?

[Anika.]

Sorry I never got back to this thread, because I do very much appreciate the thoughts, ideas, and mostly someone to talk to in this.

I made a thread in the spirituality support forum, for the tragic passing of my long time friend. So defiantly not feeling up to eating anything. The stress has just magnified since I wrote this first post.

Eskie, could not agree more. I was dx'd with anorexia when I was 5. I had been through quite a bit of trauma by then. It was not a body image problem at 5. It was something that I could steer and direct and have a say in.since I had very little else I could control. The eating disorder clinic was very focused on body image, which yes over the years it had evolved into a problem, but not the heart of the problem. The source of these issues runs much deeper than outward appearance, most definitely.

I have had this illness so long that to my family I am sure it just seems part of me. I come from a family of binge eaters, so it not any wonder really why it almost seems normal enough. Disordered eating was just something you do. I also have always put a facade over this aspect as well. My pdoc once told me that anorexics were the best actors. As in reference to the extent of masking it. Which, when something is scary to give up, of course you will not let it show, lest someone tries to interfere. That was my thinking for most of my life.

I am just trying to get through this week. My.friends passing triggers all sorts of feelings for me, and my own issues with domestic violence. I feel like I let her down somehow, having been in these circumstances before. My rational mind knows that I may not have been able to change the events, my heart and stomach don't feel that way tho. I feel so guilty.

My mom is starting aggressive treatment, there is not much I can do there except try to be there for her.

It has been a difficult year, I am scheduled for surgery mid January, to fix that implant from the bike accident. I know a few of you might remember that. Just ugh, I do need to be in good health for that.

Mm thank you for the suggestions. Have to get some nourishment in, yes. My job is still just as physically demanding. And I am finding myself beyond extremely exhausted and lethargic at the end of the day.

I will see what I can do, if I can get something in. Just a ball of nerves at the moment.

Thanks for the ears, shoulders, and just for talking with me here. I know I have been disconnected, and that it can seem indifferent at times. I know that is when I am really struggling, when I build some strange walls. I do appreciate the support especially when I am doing that.

Of course then I start a thread which is actually a scary problem for me, and then avoid the thread for a bit, because it seems too difficult to deal with at that moment. Hmm.. I feel a bit selfish, and not deserving of the... Um.what's the right word.. Hmm, undivided attentio? I think that is it.

Cristina, Trippin, thank you to you both too!!! Trippin, it's not a bad idea, anger can be useful when used to motivate change. I feel that is the whole point of feeling anger at all. I am very angry right now. I am so angry that if women do not follow suit they can just be snuffed out. And that anger, I am not quite sure what to do with.

Fuzzy, right back at you..

Love you guys all. Xox

[Victoria'smom]

I'm so sorry about your friend. Try to drink from a bendy straw it helps liquid go down easier. If it's easier for you PM people if coming here increases your stress.