[SoupDragon]

I'm generally having a hard time at the moment. l feel at my happiest when l manage to stop eating and over the last 2 days l have got myself to that place. So now I am wanting to avoid my T, because of course he wouldn't understand and would over react. l tell myself I know what I am doing and once I feel Ok about my weight, then l'll eat properly again. Yet I know I have been in this cycle so many times before. I put my head in the sand, but then it comes back. I think of telling my T but I know I don't want him to have input into my eating, it feels scarey, plus it makes me feel revolting about myself. But then what is the point of going to see him if I keep it hidden? I am so confused right now.

[buttrfli42481]

It is very scary to admit to anyone, let alone a T, that you have an ED. Know that it is your ED talking about not wanting to tell your T. Also know that most EDs have an underlying issue. We don't choose to have an ED, just like someone doesn't choose to have diabetes. It sounds to me like you are not ready to deal with your ED, and that is ok. Everyone has to be ready at their own time. In answer to your question about seeing your T, are there other things that you are working on that he can help you with? Maybe after working on those things, you will be more willing to work on your ED. Whatever your decision is, we are here to listen and support you the best that we can.

[SoupDragon]

Thankyou so much for your post. It helped me to separate from that panic in my head. Yes there are other things we are looking at in sessions and l guess I can just focus on those with T. l have spent my life struggling with things which l thought were normal things to struggle with. Looking back l am starting to think that maybe things haven't been as normal as l had thought. l always think if l can be a certain weight, a certain shape then eveything else in life will be fine, l will be happy ever after. l am not even sure if this is an ED, it makes complete sense to me to lose weight this way. l am not someone who can just cut down and lose llb a week, when l decide to lose, l need to see bigger losses or else it feels like l am failing, but part of me challenges this. l have battled with things today, but did make myself eat as l had such a bad headache and couldn't quench my thirst. And tomorrow l am seeing my Personal Trainer and l know he will ask what l had for breakfast, so will have to eat then.

[buttrfli42481]

The way I have to do it is take it one meal at a time, one day at a time. That is all we can do.

[Karrebear]

I used to do the same thing..go to therapy and try and try working on behaviors but still engaging at the same time. Seems counterproductive, yes? Its a process and one day you will find the courage to resist ED

[SoupDragon]

Because of Xmas, l have managed to get a weeks break from T. It feeIs almost exciting b be able to indulge myself in my "behaviours", yet when l think of T l feel deceitful and ashamed. My logical head tells me to stop being silly, but l also feel ''buzzy" and more upbeat and after months of feeling so low, this is such a welcome break from that darkness. What a difficult choice to make.

[Gr3tta]

I feel this "push pull" all the time. All the things that the anorexic in me is delighting over while the part of me that wants to recover despairs. Then I wonder why choose the option that makes me have to feel guilty?
I am so glad you posted this because I relate so much, thank you.

[Gr3tta]

I am having so much of this pushpull feeling. I have been "saving up" a weigh day because i know I've been doing poorly (or well?) I'm either excited or dreading to see where i am at. I can't wait and i don't want to know.
How hav you been doing with this, soup dragon?