Not Sure (Trigger Warning)

Well, after this week, I think this warranted a post here just to get some opinions.

I don't know if I'm developing an eating disorder or if I'm just on a destructive path determined to hurt myself. Maybe both.

I haven't self-injured (cutting) in 94 days. I miss it. But I know that it was interfering with my life and that I had to stop. Even though I didn't want to.

Recently, within the last month or so, I have been restricting, amongst other things. It started out harmless with me counting carbs to lose weight and has escalated into something else.

I restrict, write down all my food with carbs and calories (though I'm watching net carbs mostly), don't drink any beverages but water, am cutting food in tiny pieces, will not eat in front of others, eating slowly, chewing and spitting things out, and am taking some weight loss supplements.

My parents brought home Subway tonight and the sandwich still sits here in front of me. Whenever they want me to eat with them or my mom cooks a meal, all I can think about is figuring out how to avoid eating or make it look like I've eaten.

This week has been particularly bad. I overate last night after not having eaten all day and I felt horrible. Both physically and mentally. I felt sick to my stomach and then I felt incredibly guilty, and then the only thing I could think to do was to purge it. I didn't end up making it that far. I've never purged before because I absolutely hate throwing up, but I have seriously considered it several times, and almost did last night.

With some basic knowledge, I know that these symptoms pretty much fit an eating disorder. The thing is, I know I should tell someone, but looking at me, you'd never know. I am very overweight and at first this started off as a simple diet, trying to eat well and lose some weight in a healthy way. Now I feel like I've crossed into an entirely different realm. I have no idea how to explain this to my T. I want to and know I should, but she, being the skinny attractive well put together individual, is going to look at me and be like, yeah you're full of it.

So I don't really know what to do at this point other than to keep it a secret. And to be honest, I don't think I want to stop. I want to drop this weight once and for all and I like being able to control it. And on the flip side of that, I'm angry at myself. I just seem so determined to keep hurting myself in one way or another and I'm just so mad at myself.

If you were able to make it through the whole story, I would really appreciate some input. I don't really know what I'm doing or thinking anymore.

yes, it definitely sounds like you are on the road to an eating disorder. I don't know why you think your t would reject the idea just because she is skinny and well put together seeming. I work in the mental health field and I can tell you, lots of ts don't have their life any more together than we do. im a social worker and im totally messed up but that doesn't make me a bad social worker. im really good at helping others. so just lay it out to t like you did in this post. there are healthier ways to go about losing weight without crossing the lines you are crossing or about to cross. you will probably be purging before to long. take care of yourself......

Thank you for responding.
I was able to get down a little of the sandwich while doing some homework. Not sure that I can even look at the rest of what's sitting here though. Not feeling too good about what I did get down unfortunately.

I have had a rocky road with this T after transitioning through two other T's. I'm not even sure she likes me. She tolerates me at best. At least that's how it feels. She told me last week she wants me to start doing every two weeks instead of weekly because "everything seems to be going ok". I'm a mess and she doesn't know because I don't know how to tell her without losing it. I have a hard enough time making it a week it feels like. I think I frustrate her because I don't talk to her. Not like really in depth. I can't decide if it's not working because we don't click, or because I'm not being vulnerable enough. I don't know.

I appreciate you using a personal example. I'm currently halfway through my master's program in clinical mental health counseling. So I can identify with you when you say that clinicians don't always have it together.

I'm feeling ridiculously lost right now. With everything. The only thing I feel like I do right is school and homework. Not much else.

Why don't you print your original post and hand it to her? By the way you can be normal weight and have an eating disorder.

I'm afraid to. I'm not sure why but I'm afraid to open up to her. All of a sudden I don't know how to talk about anything anymore.

Print it, put it in an envelope and hand it to her when you walked in. That way you can pretend it's something else. /

Hello dear noddaProbBob. Yes, sticking my neck out I'd say you are either on the verge of, or you already have an eating disorder. OK, I'm not a Dr or health care professional but I've suffered ED's for 33 years and I still do. I've had every kind known to man (or women!). I'd hate to think you mess up your life like I have just 'cos of an ED, because that's exactly what they can do ~ oh and apart from that, death is always a problem in ED's. I'm wondering, could you change your therapist? Are you on any meds? Some Psych meds can make you gain weight!!! Yeah, sad but true!! Oh and lastly...............yes, you certainly CAN be ''normal'' weight or overweight WITH an ED so don't be mislead about that!!! I send you big gentle HUGS. HUGS. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

That's a good idea. I will keep it in mind. Sometimes I bring my iPad with me so I can always bring it on that too.

Thank you for your kind words. I was on a different med last year and gained a lot of weight with it. I had to move back in with my parents which didn't help. On top of that, I lost my T due to office budget cuts. She was the only person I felt like I ever truly had. All of these things combined spiked my weight. I finally lost a lot of it. Then my weight went back up by about 5 pounds and I lost it. I started dieting again and now this is where I am.
I could always ask my office for another T but I don't want to transition again. I like who I am seeing but sometimes I don't think she likes me. I have a really hard time talking to her but I think it's more me than anything. After losing my last T I just think I'm afraid to let her in. And I cry all the time now so if I were to start talking about everything I feel like the flood gates will open and never stop.
I just feel so messed up.