worries

Hi there.I was wondering if anyone had any advice or opinions.I am going on holiday in 2 weeks time to Thailand ,to see my folks who live out there.And I know other people there also and I have unsuccessfully been trying to diet in order to look somewhat o.k in a swimsuit.(I lost about 3 pounds ,binged and put it back on again.Now I am just eating too much so am not losing)but I am still counting calories (augh).What worries me is that when I get there I may look kind of o.k but we will be eating out alot-maybe every night and I will be consuming alot more calories and I will gain weight very quickly.I am sooo scared of this but I want to eat freely.I dont want to go there and say no I am not going out for dinner or Iam only drinking soup.I am so sick of this disease.If I was not going on holiday I would be quitting dieting once and for all.It makes me feel sick and suffocated and trapped and my soul just cant take it anymore .It does not sit well with me ,it makes me anxious and exhausted and I feel like I am living a lie.I dont want to live a lie anymore I want to dump this heavy burden(E.D).In alot of ways I wonder was it a good idea to plan this trip.It is meant to be a holiday but it is stressing me out.You see ,yes I am sick of E.D but of corse there is a guy there I fancy (or whose opinion of me seems important ) so I dont wanna be fat ,get fat,I feel like the nutty professor I will be sitting at the dining table and just start to balloon.Even now I wouldnt want to be seen in a bikini my stomach is so bloated .Am really worried,any advice anyone?
blueflower