[whoswho]

Today was such a bad day. I was so sick (with a cold) this morning I stayed home from school.

But by 10 a.m., I felt well enough for a snack.
By 12 p.m., my brother had gone to school and mom and dad were sleeping.
I was alone.
I hate being alone, because things like this happen.

There was a loaf of bread and butter in the fridge.
The entire loaf is gone.
A stick of butter, gone.
A bowl of ravioli, gone.
A bowl of pudding, gone.
Three rolls with butter, gone.
There was dessert with sweet potatoes, brown sugar, and marshmallows.
The entire casserole is gone.

All I can think about is screwing up all the dieting I've been doing. All I can think about is all the weight I'm going to put on. I want to cut the fat off my body. I hate it so much. I hate myself so much. Nothing works. This is impossible. People around the world starve while I lock myself in the pantry and dump bread into a can of sweetened condensed milk. I shut myself in my room and eat a half-gallon of ice cream and puke it up later. Bread doesn't come up, especially when you haven't had much liquids. It's going to sit there and make me fat.

I just want to lock myself in my room and cry.

[Bill3]

I'm sorry that I was not here yesterday to respond to your post. I'm sorry that you were so alone.

I hope that you are feeling better today.

[Puffyprue]

whoswho, how re u doing today?
hope u feeling better...

[whoswho]

Thank you both for your concern and support. I was just very emotional at the time when I posted this embarrassing little blurb...

[Sabrina]

It is not embarrassing. It is good that you were able to reach out for support when you needed it.

[whoswho]

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who posted, and reminded me that I still exist someplace in the world... Because I'm prone to forget that life is something worth cherishing when I become a temperamental mess.

I'm feeling really out of control with my eating, but there's no one I can talk to about it. I fasted for a couple days, then started binging again today. I'm just going around in circles, I guess. But I'm ashamed of what I'm doing and I'm ashamed of lying to everyone all the time. Some days I just become so irrational and emotional, and that's usually when I binge... I don't binge in a systematic way like I fast/restrict.

At least I can say what I want right now in a coherent, intelligible way today, even though I binged pretty badly... I guess I just wanted someone, somewhere, to know what I'm doing. I know it's wrong, I know it's unhealthy... I wish I could just be normal about food and my weight although, as of right now, I don't think that will ever happen.

Hi whos who,

I realated completely to your first posting . It brought it all back vividly.

All the foods you listed are the ones I do not have in my house .

Im an addict
and I cannot have what calls to me in large proportions .

I can have some of them on occation but the are always portioned out I never have them at home in quantity.

I have all the foods that are healthy nutritious non craving or non triggering in my home.

If Im buying a quanitiy of a binge food Im headed for a binge . All binges are a desiscion.

About your emotions . try letting them be out of control and not have to stop them . just feel them acknowledge them . who says they are irrational . they are your feelings . don't judge them even though many will.

They are a pain like child brith sometimes but they pass.

try to distract your self away from the anger and fear or shame especially of someone has hurt you rejected you or has been Mean to you.

put it on a shelf .

the food works in it shuts up the mind but the concequences are harmful and create more of what was there ..

look into OA over eaters anonymous . Many people share your struggles .
People all around you are suffering the same way you are not the only one . Many are not as honest as you have been .

Patricia

[Bill3]

About your emotions . try letting them be out of control and not have to stop them . just feel them acknowledge them . who says they are irrational . they are your feelings . don't judge them even though many will.

Wow auroralso, so well put. Thank you.

At least I can say what I want right now in a coherent, intelligible way

Whoswho, I've certainly found your posts to be "coherent and intelligible". You write well, and with honesty and integrity. I admire that.

I'm feeling really out of control with my eating, but there's no one I can talk to about it.

What would happen if you were to talk to anyone IRL? Are there any adults at all that come to mind? (And it would be great if you could feel, or continue to feel, comfortable talking here.)

Some days I just become so irrational and emotional, and that's usually when I binge...

Do you have methods of self-soothing and/or distraction that you could use when starting to feel overwhelmed?

[whoswho]

If Im buying a quanitiy of a binge food Im headed for a binge . All binges are a desiscion.

I never really thought of it that way before, and I think you're right. I bet I've known all along, and never wanted to really admit it--it requires self-discipline and responsibility. It's a lot easier to say "it's out of my control. I can't do anything about it." That way, I'm shifting the blame; it's not my fault. But binging is a choice. I'm not really responsible for the food in my house, but I used to give my mom grocery lists for "health foods" when I was younger. Now, most of our food is from the food bank, so it's pre-packaged rice, pasta, caned foods, and bread. When I'm on my own it won't be such a struggle, but right now, there's some small things I can do to try to have myself and my entire family eat a little healthier...

What would happen if you were to talk to anyone IRL? Are there any adults at all that come to mind? (And it would be great if you could feel, or continue to feel, comfortable talking here.)

I guess the only adults I'm really close to are my parents, but... My dad had a stroke last year, and I'm not sure if he would really understand. I don't know if he'll take it seriously because he's so different now (personality-wise, anyways). Really, I'm in more of the position of caring for him rather than the other way around. But I used to talk to him about stuff before all that happened.

And my mom... I don't think she'd believe me at all. She thinks I'm the "healthy" one. And if she did take it seriously, she'd overreact. Also, she's a blabber-mouth, and I don't feel comfortable talking to her about anything. I love my mom, but when I had a depressive episode some years back, she told her friend about it, who confronted me about it... She also told others when my brother was hospitalized for Schizophrenia. When my dad was in the hospital after his stroke, she presented our family as some charity-case, which I thought was pretty embarrassing... We really don't see eye-to-eye on a lot of things--she doesn't mind begging for money and spends impulsively whereas I prefer being self-sufficient and tend to be "tightfisted"; it's more of a personality thing, really.

Honestly, I'm so scared even posting anonymously online that I usually type responses and delete them over and over again...

[Bill3]

I'm really sorry about your dad's stroke, and about your loss of the ability to confide in him. That must be so hard for you. And you are reluctant to confide in your mom since she handles personal information much differently than you would prefer.

Are there any other adults that you respect and could trust?

Originally Posted by whoswho

and never wanted to really admit it--it requires self-discipline and responsibility. It's a lot easier to say "it's out of my control. I can't do anything about it." That way, I'm shifting the blame; it's not my fault. But binging is a choice.

I have to agree with Bill. You do express your self well and your a clear thinker .

the self discipline . this coud be a topic all in itself . here is where a divison exists between say a drug addict and alchoholic. and a food addict.

with food everyone assumes one "should not have any problems eating "

How can a person be an true addict like other substance ones. .

yet an alchoholic is told they can never pick up a drink because they loose all self control . the drug takes over .

true sugar will probably not be giving me the shakes like a hard core drug or alchoholic /addict .

But for me It became a cycle of addiction . one that was very pleasurable .and to the point I could not stop., and It came first before anything ,

for me the adiction cycle takes over once it hits my toungue and then the brain chemicals kick in .also the well worn pathway of my old patern can be triggered and the thought to have more always arises . I leran to not hear it or engage it.

Eating should not have to be so hard . lets just say addiction has concequences that are long lastiing . and it does become a choice of knowing myself and being honest and not letting others tell me different .

LIke your mother may not beable to Understand your problem because she does not have it .

In the same way Im not sure you understand the finacial ramifications of your father having a Stroke.
If your family has no retirement or other income all your mother has Is his dissability and her income . And health bills are very costly even with insurance.

probably most of us don't see eye to eye on many things .

I used to give my mom grocery lists for "health foods" when I was younger. Now, most of our food is from the food bank, so it's pre-packaged rice, pasta, caned foods, and bread.

this is a problem . And not the healthiest . Its also a problem in hospitals and other institutions. we have freedom and one has the right to eat healthily.

unfortunately when giving to food drives its always canned and processed foods .

it takes alot of courage to do the right thing food wise . Plus its not as pleasurable . this morning Id rather have a cup of JOE I'm so tired of Green tea.

I really am!!!!!!LOL!!!!!

there's some small things I can do to try to have myself and my entire family eat a little healthier...

Good for you what are those ? it doesn't sound like an easy task to me..

. I don't know if he'll take it seriously because he's so different now (personality-wise, anyways).

its good you know this or someone told you.
My father had a stroke and no one acknowdeged the long term effects . His was unabe to talk for some time but regained his speach . MY father lived for ten years after his major stroke . it left him paralized on his left side . I could share very littel with my father after his stroke . Didn't do much of that befor hand anyway,

And my mom... I don't think she'd believe me at all. She thinks I'm the "healthy" one. And if she did take it seriously, she'd overreact. Also, she's a blabber-mouth, and I don't feel comfortable talking to her about anything. I love my mom, but when I had a depressive episode some years back, she told her friend about it, who confronted me about it... She also told others when my brother was hospitalized for Schizophrenia. When my dad was in the hospital after his stroke, she presented our family as some charity-case, which I thought was pretty embarrassing... We really don't see eye-to-eye on a lot of things--she doesn't mind begging for money and spends impulsively whereas I prefer being self-sufficient and tend to be "tightfisted"; it's more of a personality thing, really.

MY mother was very tight fisted. so was my father. Its a learned survival technique .

Your mother may be needing support and thats why she is sharing . just like you are now . I can see why you may not want to tel your mother especially if she is internet savey .I am learnig Google flags many things . type in key words and wala up pops your post and in what forum .

Your concerns are valid . Maybe if she did read this it might be a good thing . talking about ones daughters and sons with out asking them first if this is okay is a viloation of ones boundries.
its gossip . unfortunately HIPAA does not extend into the family unit.


Patricia

[Raemay18]

Hello1 Who's Who,

So sorry to hear you cant stop eating it sounds like you binge eat am I right then you puke up food afterwards.
Do you always puke up your food after all you ate?
Its not healthy to puke up food all the time I'm sure you know this just worried for your health.
I am surprised at how much you ate thats alot of food I couldnt imagine scarfing all that done not tryign to be mean just surprises me in the amount you ate thats all.
I over eat sweets and I cant seem to control food addictions as in chocolate anything. I started Nutri-sytems becuase I can have chocolate oin their program it work first month then my bipolar moods change and I stop being dedicated on what I eat plus I got sick with cold and stopped my diet Im such a Yo-Yo dieter.
Anyways I'm sorry! you have such hunger issue or binge eating it sounds like am I wrong?

You need to seek counselign for your eating disorder ok ask your parents to help you go to a eating disorder counselor.

Good luck! hope you get better with eating.

Raemay18

[whoswho]

My father had a stroke and no one acknowdeged the long term effects .

Yes! I know I was in denial about it for some months. Physically, he is the same, with some slight right-sided weakness; but mentally and emotionally... His memory is off and he has some speech aphasia (but at least he talks!), but emotionally, he's sort of like a 10 year old kid again. I have to say, sometimes it's sort of fun joking and playing with him, but other times it's hard when you need to do something important, and he just can't understand...

And a year later, we're still paying off his health bills... and my mom works at the hospital! Go figure...

I found this information from a website: http://www.relieve-migraine-headache...serotonin.html

Serotonin is a neurotransmitter, which has gotten a lot of attention in the last few years. The reason is that low serotonin levels have been linked to depression, lack of concentration, obesity, sleeplessness, and, of course, migraine.

But the food and serotonin link is more complicated than just eating foods containing serotonin. Your body doesn't get serotonin from foods, but makes serotonin from tryptophan. Tryptophan is an amino acid which is essential for the body to get. It is the precursor to more than one neurotransmitter.

You may be able to increase levels of tryptophan by eating foods like breads, pastas, candy...

I've always felt the rush from eating. I eat, and your head swims, and you can just cram stuff down your throat. So, instead of eating 1 or 2 oreo cookies, you end up eating 1 or 2 packages of them. But drugs, you can go "cold turkey." You don't have to drink to survive. But you do have to eat. If there was some magic pill out there, that provided just enough calories to live, I'd freekin take it. I'm so sick of the hassle, and I'm sort of tired of trying anymore. Today, my mom made a batch of cookies--instead of eating 1 or 2 like I planned, I ate 6 cookies. And honestly, I'm typing this so I don't go back and eat the rest of them. It's just something I can't have at all, and I should know that by now. But I don't. I just keep digging the same hole and falling in it over and over and over again. And then there are times when I just fast, and fast, and fast. I'll fast for 2 weeks and loose 25 lbs. and feel so good about it. But I can't just keep fasting forever. And once I start eating again, the pounds just come back. That's how this whole binging episode started: after a 7 day fast. Now I've been binging/purging for 5 weeks. It's not worth it. I'm still not losing weight. I keep trying to restrict, but I end up binging that night or the next day. I volunteer at the public library from 3-5 just because 3 o'clock is when the cravings set in. I'm so desperate to lose weight again. And my family only makes it worse. My brother bought over $500 in junk food (I'm not exaggerating; his entire college fund is gone) from October to November. My dad goes through 4 gallons of ice cream a week. And then, my mom complains there isn't enough money for the car payment, or the electricity bill, or for groceries! Instead of buying this crap, can't they just buy some ****in produce at the store for $20? That's all I'm asking here, people! Sheesh!

I know I'm a dumb kid, and I can't understand all the facts... I should tell someone, but they won't believe me. Haha, aren't people with EDs supposed to be thin? (I don't mean it, but that's what everyone thinks) My friend keeps whining about being "underweight" and even asked me for some of my weight. Everyone can take my weight! I don't want it anymore!!!

It really is a demon- strangling you with the pull to eat food. Food is so addcitive- Your not alone! Stay strong, don't beat yourself up to much, nobody's perfect- I know I'm not. Be well.