I want it back (possible triggering?)

I don't know what happened to me in the past 3 weeks or so. Is it called recovery? I've been eating, but not normal, just alot. One good healthy meal with the hubby on weekends. I still try to watch what I eat during the week starting the day with a Slimfast shake but by night I can't help myself and whammo! I start bingeing on junk food and can't stop! I have not weighed myself in 3 weeks and it was killing me. I feel so darn fat and disgusting. My clothes still fit fine, so today I finally got on the scale. I gained 3 pounds. That's not so bad, but now I have to lose it. It used to be no problem to lose 3 pounds.
Is it sick to say I want my Anorexia back? I want that mindset back where I can control myself and not eat. I'm just a pig now. I don't think I can stop eating. How can 3 pounds make one feel so terrible? Is three pounds that much? Do you think others notice the way I do? I'm actaully feeling so self contious like I don't want to walk out of the house to get the mail. I don't want the neighbors to see how fat I've gotten. I used to like going to my therapist every two weeks and hear her say "you've lost more weight." Tomorrow she'll notice how big I've gotten and I hope she doesn't point it out, like "you're looking healthy now " or something like that.
My husband told me a few weeks ago that if I lost any more weight I would look worse. Yesterday he said I was perfect. He likes curves. Have I gotten curvy? My stomach is huge now from eating so much. I want to look worse. I want to feel my bones again. I want to be stick thin. If I lose 4 pounds I should feel better again, shouldn't I?
I've been taking Zantrex 3 fot the past week. Can diet pills make you feel like crap?
Is it the three pounds on my small frame that's so noticeable to me?
God help me. I feel like I look so bad, just like I did last year when I weighed 190 pounds and my husbands ex wife would make fun of me to his daughter and call me fat.
I'm so scared of that happening again.

I shouldn't think an extra 3lb gain will make any difference to your looks whatsoever! You say your clothes still fit you fine - that means it hasn't made any difference to your size, doesn't it?

You say that you're binging at night. I imagine that means you're eating a lot of calories then. Maybe instead you could have small meals during the day - that way the urge to binge wouldn't be so great at night. It's your body's way of getting back on you when you've been starving yourself. I agree that it sucks.

Hey, i am 16, and this blog thing made me cry! It made me cry because, its EXACTLY how i have been feeling over the past 3months. like exactly, and i havent been able to verbalise it, and you have. i know exactlky waht you are going through. and i am SO sorry, its a horrible feling, and it does sound selfish, doesnt it? but it hurts. i was anorexic for seven months and it became a part of my life, and i am guessing yours to. I cant offer any advise im afraid, beacuse i havent got over it yet. but i can offer you the feeling taht someone is going through the same. im sorry you feel this way and i hope you feel better soon, that sounds really corney, but i mean, feel ok again, and not guilty for eating, remeber, anorexica, was a horrible part or our lives ands we should be thankful taht we arnt suffering in taht way anymore. i really really hope i helped. please like email me, and we can talk more, i would love to chat, and help more. hope i helped. xx