I am in denial This is triggering very triggering

I have not posted here much because I did not feel I really had a problem. I guess admitting the denial is a step in the right direction. I am so afraid that someone is going to find out this secret. I am afraid that my loved ones will turn away. To afraid to seek help. Someone once told me that FEAR was False Evidence Appearing Real. Maybe they are right, but that does not help. I can't even look in the mirror anymore. I see fat and lots of it. The harder I try to lose it the more I get. The thing is that I really am fat. I weigh 186 and I am 5'4". I am considered morbidly obese my doc said. I do everything right but I am still fat fat fat. Someone told me I was addicted to exercise. I know I am. It started as a coping skill but turned into more. Everything I get upset or go into crisis mode I exercise. I have lost about 20 pounds, but I see people staring at me all the time. I know that they are thinking lay off the twinkies and donuts. It pisses me off because I tried so hard to do this right. Its the anger that turned this into a bad thing. I just want to be thin so people will respect me. I go the whole day eating healty, but by night time I am starving and I eat every damb thing in site. I then feel guilty and this overwhelming urge to get the food out. Food is my enemy right now.

I wish that I could say that food wasn't my enemy now too.. I am trying to make my peace with it... I have found... that it really doesn't matter what size you are... it is always the enemy... can weigh 100lbs... and it is still a curse..

my T... yepper... that man... tells me self love and respect come from the inside... and I am still trying to find it...

Hi twirls01, I can relate to your struggle. I have had an eating disorder since I was a teen—I am 36 now. Food is my worse enemy and yet my best friend. In some ways food disgusts me—I hate the thought of it going into my body and yet I can sit and eat a stack of candy bars in 10 minutes. Part of me even loves eating the candy bars. I get mad I eat, I get sad, I eat…and then the pendulum swings the other way and I starve myself for weeks or months at a time. It is hard for me to strike a balance.

I really feel for you twirls—know that you are not alone. Hang in there.

I don't think any one thing will help us. I'm 265+ pounds and 5'6". Now I am just trying to do the "whole" thing right rather than diet or exercise or worry one way or the other. I've lost maybe 5-10 pounds and have my doctor breathing down my neck too, but it's still my neck :-) and I get to decide its ultimate fate. I go to see him a week from Tuesday and I signed myself a pledge in May that I'd lose 25 pounds by my birthday (in late October) and I've only lost about 10.

I joined Curves but then had medical problems and had to quit the exercising, wasn't really able to do much of anything but sit and watch TV for 2-3 months this summer. So, I haven't lost "enough" weight like I said I would. Theoretically :-) that means I should do the blood pressure medicine but I still don't think I will. He talked me into the thyroid med last time and I'm not sure what I feel about that.

My denial has to do with I think I have time to get things to change, that that's likely to happen (when I've been working "hard" on this problem since February of 2006). I tell myself that on Tuesday I'll start exercising and eat well for a week so I'll be under 260 pounds and that will be enough to satisfy me for this particular "session". And, in fact, it technically could happen but. . .

My favorite way of thinking about the whole thing is that the 125 pounds I gained in 25+ years averages out to 5 pounds a year? I could just lose 5 pounds a year until I'm 57+25 and it would all come out even? LOL. But it's my life and my body and I have to respect that. Sometimes I'm in charge but a lot of time my subconscious and/or body are in charge and I don't really get a conscious vote? Who cares what the other people say; they have their problems that aren't any better/worse than mine. I go to the dentist and get my teeth cleaned and checked every 6 months or so and I bet most of them don't :-)

Have you tried only buying primarily healthier stuff so at night you overdose on apples or yogurt or whole grain cereal and low fat milk or something? That's what I do. I'm lucky though because I've never had much of an appetite for dessert so my husband's chocolate cakes and ice cream, etc. don't usually get molested :-) I can put away a ton of meat though. But I'm gradually changing and that's making me feel better, both literally and about my weight and body, etc. I can grab a bottle of water now instead of a soda (which I don't buy so many of) and I know when I don't physically feel tip top and know that eating some things on top of that will make me feel worse. I've gotten better at "stopping" myself. Sometimes I do surprise myself though when I don't eat everything at a restaurant. I never take it home either; I've decided I don't like leftovers :-) I want "fresh" food each meal. LOL. When we order pizza, we like different kinds so sometimes get two, one for each of us. I eat 3-4 slices of mine and throw the rest away! I use to eat it for breakfast the next day and throughout the next couple of days but decided I don't need that. Cheese and I are not good friends anyway and I can wait another couple weeks/a month until I get pizza again.

Make up some fun rules for yourself that make you laugh? All exercises must be done standing on your left/"weaker" foot? I have trouble with one of my knees and sometimes it is difficult getting in and out of pants, especially underwear but I "practice" balancing then/that way. When else would I get the opportunity? But I count that as "exercise" and doing something good for me. Sometimes I deliberately walk up and down the steps, upstairs to downstairs and vice versa as often as possible, taking/bringing one item at a time to the other level or thinking of excuses to go to the other level (I make myself go upstairs and use the upstairs bathroom if I'm downstairs, etc.). But mostly I try to remember that everything is part of "my life" so it all counts "equally". I use to wake up around 2-4 a.m. hungry and would go downstairs but I buy Activia yogurt for that time! So, even though I'm eating in the night, I'm eating healthily and not too much (and I buy the no fat version) so I am comforted, my hunger is satiated and I go back to sleep and things are fine. Can you plan for your evening "binge"? Make it a party! Save up some things to do that you like (reading? hobbies, coming online?) and only do them at that time? Plan what you'll eat and let yourself eat more than usual if that's what you seem to want. Make yourself a buffet :-) of fruits, veggies, good dairy, "fun" food like olives or pickels, weird stuff you don't "normally" have. I love artichokes so I buy them for myself for snacks! Who heard of snacking on artichokes? Feels very decadent and wicked. If you like kiwis, say, only eat them at night during your special party for yourself. Buy yourself a mango for Monday morning :-) think up rituals to make food "good" for you.

That just gave me an idea, I'm going to work on a fruit and veggie "alphabet" :-) maybe an alphabet "menu" I can work through. Five fruits and veggies a day? Fine, I'll do 5 letters a day times 5 days of the main, "work" week. Can't wait until P, which is for potato :-) one of my favs.

Thanks everyone for the support. I tried to eat the last few days and now I am sick. Literally physically sick.

I can relate so much! I do hope you feel better soon.

Hello (((Twirls))). I am sorry that you are struggling at this time. There are many sensible diets on the American Diabetes Website that may help you learn to eat correctly. Most of the diets are nutritionally sufficient and lower in calories as well. Hypoglycemic diets, which enable you to eat about 6 times a day in smaller portions, are sometimes helpful as well as nutritionally based. The main point of the issue is to address the self esteem issues with your therapist, then you can further your future in the most possible and protected manner, so you feel safe to get the help you need to get into a state of recovery that you can be comfortable with so you can feel better emotionally, so food willl not be the threat it is to your mental well being at this time. Take care (((Twirls))). Soidhonia