[Kiya]

well, new *here* in this forum.
I don't know where to start really and I am terribly worried about offending ppl.
All the online tests here say i should look into help for ED but I don't think i really have any issues. The reason I am writing is because I just lost 34 lbs (medical diet) and i feel like i am gaining it all back (even tho all my size 8s fit fine). I am FREAKING out about gaining it back. I've yoyoed a few times with with weight - from an 8 to 12, to 4 to 14 and back to 8 and I really want to stay here now. I am super freaked and i think this is the best place to post. I keep thinking I am surely back to a 14, and yet my 8's are loose on me. But i know there's fat where there wasn't a few weeks ago, i can tell!! I dunno. I don't see how I would have to wear a belt to keep the pants on while my body is getting squishier.
ok... that is enough for a first post. =( kiya

((((Kiya)))...

it sounds like you are not "seeing" yourself.. as you are... (((hugs)))... your body image...

how is your eating?? may I ask???

[Christina86]

Hi (((((((((Kiya))))))))))))

Welcome to this forum. I don't have any advice at the moment, but glad to see you posting and I hope you continue to do so.

No, you won't offend people either. We've all got different levels of 'disordered eating' habits... otherwise we wouldn't post here.

[wishfulmuscle]

welcome!

maybe you are "squishy" as you said, because of a lack of exercise? are you doing less now than you were before? No worries about offending people, we're all pretty easy going and understand. Hope to see a new post soon!

[Kiya]

ty ((((((((freewill, Christina, wishfulmuscle))))))))
you guys are really nice =)

Free, eating... well i'm like you on what foods i'm allowed. allergic to everything. but binging on soy ice creams and chocolate.

right now, i feel bad no matter what I do. my suppliments got changed around and i feel green .

Wishful - true - no excercise right now - not enough energy. But i work with kids and do recess duty and have 2 sets of stairs in my apt. when i can, i do yoga. i am also dealing with fibro, so that limits me some.

turns out yesterday's severe squishiness was due to an allergic reaction to oil. *sigh*. but I still don't want any squishiness. none! I still live at home due to finances and am judge pretty harshly by my mom. she watches my waste line and curves very closely for any sign of gain - i hate it. she won't stop even when i ask her to. when i lost all the weight, all she'd say is "you lost your butt!" over and over. like i didn't exist except for my butt (or it's smallness). she doesn't say that anymore - just eyes me constantly.
=( kiya
again, thanks for the warm welcome!

[Christina86]

(((((((((((Kiya))))))))))))

Your mother sounds like she's a bad influence on your health... I'm sorry. My mother is critical about my weight/health as well, and it irritates me to no end. Try not to listen to her... and do what you want (keeping your health in mind) diet/weight wise?

[wishfulmuscle]

as far as your mom goes..

idk if it will make you feel any better but my mother is a runner and a former bulimic (her high school and college days) and has never weighed over 120 in her life besides being pregnant. we're the same height but im about 10 pounds heavier than her and always feel like such a cow standing next to her!! she doesnt encourage me to lose weight but just being in a highly competitive and active family i feel pressure to be thin.

[Kiya]

((((christina, wishful)))))))

interesting how these things go. my mom is about 100 lbs overweight. I think she feels better about herself if she can get me thin. She seems to live vicariously through me.

I do try to not pay attention. I don't like being looked at all the time.

[Kiya]

Ugh - binged to night. changed some of my meds that are supposed to help with the cravings (they were making me ill) and have binged on things i should not have had.
now of course i feel bad physically as well as mentally.

[iamtwilight]

(((Kiya)))

It's tough living with a mother who criticises you and lives through you. My mom is kind of like that as well so I think I have an inkling of how you might feel.

Sorry you are feeling bad now Binging is such a nasty "addiction" if I may say. Tough to deal with and much tougher to get rid of.

I don't have much to say, except that hope you feel better soon!

[Kiya]

thanks katie.

i am sitting here noticing my patterns - i delay on breakfast even when hungry (like now) to the point it is almost lunch. then eat normal, then over eat at lunch, binge at dinner eating not a "meal" but just stuff...

this is also probably why t wants me to set a plan for my non-work days (in between jobs again now that school is out).
i am reminded that i need to go weigh myself.

***aaaaack! i knew it. i gained. 3.5 lbs. grrrrrrrrrr***

[wishfulmuscle]

ive learned to eat breakfast no matter what.. at least 200 cals or im literally DOOMED for the rest of the day, as far as over eating goes

Breakfast is really important for me. The thing is, if I don't eat it, then I'll end up binging at night, then I'm not hungry for breakfast the next day, and the cycle continues and continues and continues.

If I eat a bowl of cereal or SOMETHING, I do better. And I know that it "jump-starts" my metabolism, so I do try to keep that in mind.

Also....I really try to make it a practice to not weigh myself. It's hard, but I'm getting better at it. Because if I gain weight, I'm totally setting myself up for ED stuff - and weirdly, if I LOSE weight - or even stay the same - it's "hello, ED behaviors". I don't know why that is. I actually went so far as asking T if I could leave my scale at his office (he said yes) and I brought it along, but it was too scary to give it up. It's still here. It calls to me, but I try to ignore it.

((((((((((((((((((((((( kiya ))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Kiya]

Hmmmm wishful, EM those are some good points for me to consider. I will work on the breakfast thing.

lol em - that made me grin "it calls to me"

[Kiya]

UGH - feeling sooooooooooooo sick. Binged a lot today. Why do i do this to myself? I gotta stop this. i have feeling this bad and i know i did it to myself. and will probably do it again.
why? do i hate myself? do i .... i dunno! supposedly i have the power to stop it.... what keeps me from it? instant gratification? feeling like being skinny gets me seen where as not being skinny makes me more invisible? and being seen is dangerous? that used to be the case, but i dunno if that is true any more. doesn't feel true. so why do it? i gotta work on this one.

[wishfulmuscle]

kiya-

Right there with you! the past couple of days have not been good ones.. trying to kick my b/p habit is giving me anxiety like crazy! hang in there, let me know how things go the next few days!

[Kiya]

you know - it is weird - i don't purge per se, but i am allergic to so much that if i do eat those things my stomach will not digest them and i get sick. so in a way it is like a b/p cycle. same outcome, different means. i am trying again. making my house a sugar free zone where no one can bring it in. i can't resist and it is not fair to me to have to attempt to sit it out while others eat it. they want it, they can got out and get it.
best of luck to you on this, too!!!

[wishfulmuscle]

thats how one of my friends is.. she intentionally eats dairy bc she is lactose intolerant. She is helping keep the sugar out of the house for me too, but i cant keep dairy out of the house.. ive got to eat it to prevent osteoporosis and i love it..

[Kiya]

ahhhhh chocolate. chocolate is my nehmisis.

[wishfulmuscle]

i almost envy you guys.. i have to abuse laxatives that take up to 12 hours. i know it must be more painful for those of you with allergies to food, but you get instant relief without purging!

.. i've had my first good day in a while, and im wishing the best for you too

XXXX stay strong

[Kiya]

well, doll, let me put your mind at ease and tell you that it really SUCKS to be that sick over food. It is not relief at all and is bad on the body when every single meal is not providing nutrition to the body. I nearly died from this several times.
Reading back, i know this is going to look like a contradiction. I "switched" earlier today and have a different outlook - evidently a healthier outlook - than my counterpart.