[marcelodlanod]

I think i started overeating because i wanted all to see.. -those that were pointing out to me: anorexic!!-.. that i eat as much or even more than them -yep, i overeat in front of people as well as hidden- and.. that developme.. i think.. anxiety... /cause i dont want to get fat, but i dont want to lose more weight and later get caught/.. and, i wonder... have i reached the bottom, please.. read this and tell me:
I had no money this one day... so i couldnt buy food... i borrowed some.. and buy some chocolate... but that didnt satisfied... stupid stomach!!...
... and i wanted more... i made one of my friends buy me cookies... and .. i wanted more.. i stole food... then, you can guess, i wnated more and more!... so i tried to steal some more.. but i couldnt, and started to think... i'll eat what shes gonna leave.. i mean.. I WAS gonna eat leaftovers from extrangers!! .. food from the garbage!! .. you would like to hear i didnt do it... i got home and ate almost a box of corn flakes with honey (after eating dinner)... im so dissapointed, desperate, and lost. ...I think ive reached bottom, and im afraid that this kind of things are going to happen everyday... .. are they? Please.. somebody?!

[Kiya]

Do you have someone in real life that you can reach out to? Can i encourage you to look? There are lotsa good resourses and stuff. This isn't something you can face by yourself. We all need help at various times and it is ok to ask for it.
((((((((hugs!))))))))))
kiya

[fellowtraveler]

Hi again,

I've been away awhile and just got to respond to your posts. I hope that you are well today and got through the weekend okay.

Please listen to your body. The part of you that is driving the binging behavior may be your survivor instincts trying to keep you alive!! I know that your family is not supportive, but please find someone in your community who is! Have you looked online or in the phone book for an eating disorder clinic. I know you are afraid of getting "locked up" somewhere and that interfering with your future, but becoming even more sick from from starving and binging will interfere even more

You should also know that binging is a common accompanyment to anorexia. In fact, there are two kinds of anorexia. In one, the person starves themself without binging. In the second, the person also binges (and in some cases purges--through vomiting, diarea, etc.). Both kinds are extremely dangeraous to your health. In addition to the other site I gave you, here is the page from PC that looks pretty helpful:

http://psychcentral.com/disorders/sx2.htm

Let me know if I can help in some other way.

-ft

[marcelodlanod]

Thanks fellowtraveler, i've been looking for someone... there has to be somebody... that will listen... and wont judge... but is hard to find.. I shouldnt be happy for this.. but i am: "...binging is a common accopanyment to anorexia...".
Im thinkin... maybe my college nurse could help.. but im afraid of asking, even with the binging (and im not vomiting or purging) i weight 70 lb..
.. Cant take this anymore!! i cant imagine how some people here cope with ED for such a long time!!! ..The good thing, is that i feel.. a little better, i believe in cognitive treatment.. perhaps.. i can recover and control myself again... (f$ck#&g survival instinct)...
Seriously, thank you...

[fellowtraveler]

marcelodlanod,

Glad to be an encouragement! And very glad for your desire to take care of yourself by asking for help... The college nurse sounds like a great place to start. On a scale of 1 - 10, how close are you to being ready to talk to her/him?

- ft

[marcelodlanod]

How close...?..?.. well, is hard to say... im not ready, i dont.. trust anyone.. im kinda paranoic.. She seems to be bitter.. hehe!.. Plus, i dont have time.. and i dont think she knows a lot.. about this disorder.. So, im thinking... to tell a friend of mine, but.. as i said.. i do not trust anybody.. But, yes, i know.. im better without some thoughts, so .. asking for help.. it worths it...

[fellowtraveler]

You can do it! Just remind yourself that there is nothing to lose in confiding in a professional or trustworthy friend (notice I said trustworthy not "trusted"). Find someone who is worthy of trust. Don't worry so much about whether or not you feel trusting toward them. Our feelings only tell us half the picture. Check out the facts and see who is worthy of trusting with this important information.

[marcelodlanod]

But.. anyways.. is useless!! whats the point? What can a friend do? They dont know about EDs, and.. i need a cure!!! I went to the clinic in my college.. and she just sent me to eat crap... she didnt care, and didnt advise me a thing... im trying to write to someone.. but i cant stop asking.. for what?......... is useless.. everything is useless... not even this group support (no ofense), i just.. cant find sense to nothing... im giving up............ so pathetic........

[fellowtraveler]

Good job for going to the health clinic!! That took great courage! I am so sorry to hear that the college nurse was not more helpful. But please keep trying. Perhaps there is another professional associated with your college who could help. Alot of colleges even have a counseling center.

Also, don't sell your friends short. If they are caring people, they can do alot. A friend can offer support. A friend may not know much. But you can educate her/him. Print out the "tips for family and friends" page on anorexia from this site:
http://psychcentral.com/disorders/ea...ating_tips.htm

Share it with your friend. She or he can listen. They may not understand, but you can help them understand.

Do not give up. You are a wonderful person born with all the characteristics you need to survive and thrive; you just need a little help developing those characterics and learning to love the wonderful things about yourself as you are right now.

Hoping this message finds you well!
Take care,
FT

[marcelodlanod]

thanks for the hand FT!! Right now... im trying to first, understand myself, like myself, and be happy knowing that im young and that, i can recover... yesterday, i did not puke, over eat, purge, or starve.. (had a lot of cigarettes but...).... today... i ate healthy... maybe... perhaps... im my best friend and my best therapist... But, i will continue my search for a specialist... i need to get over this...
Thanks a lot!!

[fellowtraveler]

Glad to hear your positive message! Sounds like you have had a good couple of days!

Yes, you can recover, and your youth is a great asset. You have a great opportunity now to set new lifelong habits for your adult life.

I'm curious... What are you learning about yourself and learning to like about yourself?... What do you think has made the difference the last couple of days?

[marcelodlanod]

Well.. to answer your question... im going to.. tell you about.. one regular week in this moments... Monday: i do not eat or drink nothing during the whole day.. /tuesday: the same... (these are the best days cause i feel truly happy.. unless i get anxious and so ..binge). /Wendsday: i eat regular, healthy.. or.. a few meals... its ok... /Thursday: Good through out the morning... Overeating from afternoon until around.. 11o pm. //Friday: Overeating... through the entire day.. ending.. the next day (1o Am)... Weekends: Are horrible!! same as friday but.. without vomiting or ..resting... and.. so much shame.. on me...
I hate this!!! i gain 8 lb this week... (with clothe, and like 2 L of water and bread..and milk.. im afraid of measuring without those.. and see my real weight...) This situation is pushing me so hard.. to the edge... im losing the fight... im sorry guys... im a hopeless case..
But, you should go on and .. not be like me... SAVE YOUrSELVES!! be happy!!!

[fellowtraveler]

hi marcelodlanod,

How's it going? Have you been able to share about your condition with anyone else in real life? Have you been able to find out if your school has a counseling center? Could the school nurse possibly refer you to a free or reduced fee counseling center?

Based on your last note, your regular routine sounds really hard ...
and frustrating. My heart goes out to you and I hope that my words can be some encouragement. Forgive me if it seems I am pushing the counselor issue pretty hard. I just want what is best for you, and I believe that you could really benefit from someone caring who could sit with you, truly listen, and provide some guidance.

On the days you don't eat or drink, you say you feel the happiest. What is it about not eating that makes you feel that way? It sounds like it is more than just wanting to have an ultra thin body. On some level, you seem to have equated being thin with being valued, good, desireable, or happy.

I wonder, when else in your life have people made their acceptance of you conditional on something external? What would it be like to have someone (maybe yourself) accept you and love you unconditionally, regardless of your weight, your appearance or even your behavior? Is there someone in your life now that you can turn to for that kind of acceptance?

Can you imagine finding that kind of acceptance in a friend, family member or even a professional counselor? Would it be worth the risk of sharing about your condition, if the result might be that you could eventually feel loved and accepted by others and even yourself?

Do take good care of yourself and please be careful about malnutrition and dehydration.

-FT

[marcelodlanod]

Your interest in this matter is highly appreciated FT!!
Wow, those are a lot of questions!!.. ok: i havent talked to anyone yet..(one moment im totally determinate to do it and the next one.. i decide to not do it.. and later.. i dont know, so i focus in dont doing nothing til im totally sure..)_ Yes, my college dont have a counseling center._ No, that nurse is a bitter b#$%h, but i've been doing reserch about it.. sadly i havent found.. nothing "reachable".. for me.._
Dont worry FT!! i know that i need proffessional psychiatric help, and .. my biggest wish right now is to find one.. _
Not eating makes me happy cuz... im not gaining wait = non body fat = no boobs!! _yes.. im a perfectionist and i found so many years ago, that being this thin.. having this kind of body .. would make me happy, because thats the way i feel inside of me (the way i see me, in my mind), and i want it to be reflected externaly.. Dont think i want social approval.. i defend my way of thinking strongly.. so i dont care about being understood.. its useless.. But this does not mean that i wouldnt like acceptance.. from my family.. and friends.. though theres no need to... Get it? (i know isnt normal, is.. weird).. _I wont love myself until i reach 'my' perfection.. i love to hate, i guess.. gives me something to do, LHO!.
Yep.. Its frustrating, confusing.. AWFUL!!
I have some (..a few) friends. They are the coolest thing, they totally accept all my freaky stuff.. Theres a chance i may ..talk to them.. i'll risk (if i dont chinken out).. or.. theres my philosophy teacher.. that.. might help (i mean, hes a proffessional.. must know something..)
regards, marcelodlanod

[fellowtraveler]

Glad to hear you are persevering! Yes, the philosophy professor sounds like a great resource. GTG for now...

Take care,
FT

[fellowtraveler]

Okay, I'm back.

Friends are a great resource, too. Amazingly, each time you tell someone something personal about yourself it gets easier the next time.

It does sound like the "wanting to be a boy" thing is a big part of this for you. Is it possible to put that thought on hold for a while until you get to a point where you just "want to be" period? Boy or girl, you are a precious human being with innate value and worth. Body parts are mostly just window dressings. ...Easier said than believed, I know.

You say you come from a religious background... Do you find any comfort in religion or spirituality for yourself? There might be some great resources there, if so. Not all religion is cruel and rejecting. Legalism (expecting perfection) is a common distortion of Christianity (and in total conflict with the essence of what it's really about). Grace, mercy, compassion and love come to mind as wonderful principles for any of us struggling with these kinds of issues.

Check out Psalm 139:

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/...139&version=31

It talks about a God who knows us even better than we know ourselves and still loves us (our bodies included) as his precious children.

Take good care,

FT