[ThePainNeverDies]

For the first time ever, not even thinking it would ever happen, I cried because I couldn't eat.. Because I knew that my boyfriend (connor) wanted me to eat, and I was so hungry but I was terrified of eating.. I felt completely stuck..

So.. I don't know what to do! I ate in the end after calming down from a panic attack and almost collapsing because I was so weak.. But then.. I felt really guilty and I still do now.. S o.. I just.. Know For A Fact that I'm just going to stop eating again after going to Connor's at the weekend..

I know how much it upsets people, but Connor has been so much more supportive recently.. I cried about it and I said "I want to eat because this pain is unbearable, but I just can't!!! " and in the nicest, most soothing tone ever, he said "we'll work on it, baby.. Don't worry, we'll sort it, okay?" So I sniffed and looked up at him with really big, sad eyes and just burst into tears again.. I felt so bad because he looked so heartbroken at how much pain I'm going through with all this eating..

He said yesterday I've lost a lot of weight and that my bones are beginning to protrude a little.. But, when he said that.. I looked down and I just though 'no.. They're not. I'm still fat!' I questioned it and said.. "Really? Or are you just saying that I've lost weight to get me to eat again?" and he said no and that it's true, I am losing weight quite rapidly..

But when I went to my doctors the other day and he found out I haven't been eating, he didn't say much about it, just gave me the tablets I needed for m y migraines.. And guess what?! I'm even terrified of taking my medication because I'm scared that they'll have some fat in, and make me get fatter and fatter and fatter.. I don't know.. This probably all sounds so stupid..

But.. I can't drink anything BUT water.. That's it.. Nothing else can touch my lips at all. I ook at juices and fizzy drinks and people drinking them and think 'how can they do that? How can they drink what is basically a bottle of sugary, fatty water?'

I'm obsessed and I know it!! Last night, I managed to have a hot chocolate, but I chose the lower calorie one and my friends wouldn't let me, they made the higher calorie one for me.. I hated i t, but enjoyed it kind of.. At the same time.. Yet, all I could think about is how may calories, fat grams and what amount of sugar there was in it and everything like that and it was awful!!

What can I do? Nobody appears to want to help me apart from my boyfriend, but then I dn't feel ready to get better.. I just want to get down to my target weight, the I hope I'll be okay again.. Well a little lower than my target weight to make sure that I don't go over it if/when I do start eating again..

I just don't want to cy over it again.. I must have looked like such a baby..

sorry for the whinge, I just kinda need a bit of advice..

[pegasus]

You need therapy, please go back to your Doctor and get some help.

((((((((((( ThePainNeverDies )))))))))))

(thepainneverdies))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
If your body is telling you out of pain it is hungrey...trust me it needs food.
Food and water are the gas that makes you live and breath
With out your body will be in big trouble...
You have to want to eat for you ...no one else but you...
Peg is right ...you may want to call your drs.
There are also links on eatting disorders..which may or may not help you...

My son went threw this he lost over 100lbs...
He saw himslef as still over weight. would get on the scales with weights in his pockets. So i would think he had gained weight....
What he did not know was I had been there done that years ago when i was younger......
WHat I had thought was ppl will love me more if i am the perfect weight...
What i reliazed after a ulcer and being not well at all......
Was no one can love me if i am no here......
Also after much thought with in me I learned Its ok to be me...
In fact being me is the only choice i have...
Please get help ....it sounds like connor loves you very much and your friends too..
My thoughts will be with you
Muffy

[ThePainNeverDies]

I can't eat for me and I just can't go to the doctors.. They'll weigh me and I can't have them see how much weight I've lost over the past.. 13 days or so.. 10lbs..

I told my boyfriend and he said "baby, don't worry, we'll get it sorted.. Get those forms done to see that ED specialist again."

I basically have no friends.. I can't cope at college anymore, my tutor's being a complete asshole to me, picking on me sooooo much and it's really getting to me, people in the group aren't talking to me and when they do, it's to have a go at me for not being able to learn the songs we're doing because I can't download them. Ugh.. It sucks.. Just makes me want to eat even less..

I'm living on soup this week, I even compared calories and fat grams in every packet of soup.. I couldn't help it.. And I'm not going to have anything but soup every day.. But then.. If Connor doesn't ask about it, i just won't have any at all.. I can't stomach it at all..

I feel so sick.. I collapsed in college yesterday from a migraine, collapsed.. Not because of not eating, but because of the migraine.. I couldn't hack it in college so I took theh day off today and 3 hours off yesterday.. i couldn't face my tutor again either.. She's making my life even more hellish atm..

Not that it can really be made any worse.. But hey.. I don't care, i obviously deserve it.. No-one even cares when I walk into college weak and tired.. They don't say anything at all, even my tutor.. She says she can see when people are withdrawn and tired etc. Yet she never says anything to me to make sure I'm okay.. Because she f*cking hates me.. Been trying to kick out the fat lump that's in her group, ever since I first got there..

[iamtwilight]

(((the pain never dies)))

feeling your pain... it sucks so much doesnt it? i wish i knew what to say - but alas i don't since i'm struggling with this too. i can't eat for me either, and my boyfriend never asks me to eat for him. he cares, but expresses it so differently than i would like. i'm glad you have a boyfriend who expresses how he feels about you and is worried and doesn't keep quiet. can you eat for him? just a little. glad you're having at least soup. that nutritional information is sheer hell to go through... but i know the feeling you get if you don't look at it.

pegasus is right... therapy is needed. i've been trying to avoid it for a while, and when i've gone to see a doctor, they've kinda like just shrug and sent me home. huh.... no wonder we are not asking for help... i hope you can get to see an ED specialist. that would help so much, get you started on getting better.

sorry you're struggling, sending warm thoughts & positive energy,

twilight

Everyone.. has said therapy... and I do agree.....

In the meantime.... please try to pick up some protein shakes.... in a can... and.. sip.. a little.. just a little.. at a time.... sometimes... I cover up the calories.... on what I am going to eat.... so.. I do not have to "see" them...

My Body Work T... says "listen" to what your body is telling you.. do Not.. listen.. with your mind.. with.. your logic.. because it will argue out of.. what your body is telling you...

So... if we listen to your body... leaving your mind.. at rest... your body is saying.. I NEED nutrients...your body says this by... making itself known by feeling sick, weak, sad, ready to collaspse...

Other people... get "scared"... for the person with the ED... they do not know what to say... what to do....and that is their failing...they care - they just do not know what to do....

We on PC hear you... we notice you.. we care about you... we want to help you....all of us....

[ThePainNeverDies]

I know you all on here notice and hear me, and that does mean a lot, but.. It would help if the people around me could just help a little more.. Like my Mum.. She doesn't know, but she shoould at least realise that you don't go tellign a 17 year old that she's put on loads of weight, she should know that that's bound to bring me right down..

I know my body needs nutrients, but I just can't give it that if it is just making me depressed..

I was the last to finish my dinner the other night, it was a roast and all I could taste was the fat, the grease.. Everything bad about it.. I felt so.. Pressured because.. Well.. Everyone was watching me... Waiting.. For me to finish..

I can't even do that, drink protein shakes.. The closest thing to energy you'll get me drinking is coffee or tea... With skimmed milk.. I didn't want breakfast this weekend, but my boyfriend wanted me to and I knew that.. I just didn't want to.. I did.. But I felt.. Awful for it.. It made me want to throw up.. Not.. to get rid of it.. Just because it made me so ill.. So sick..

I can't do it.. I just don't feel able to.. I'm so weak..