[luckyyouxx]

here i am again...sitting at home alone. this time i actually went out to a party but it was overwelhming with all these skinny done-up fancy dressed chicks... i couldnt stand it feeling like i was ugly and chubby...i was so uncomfortbale, so i went home and ate soup. i hate that my boyfriend is flying solo at parties all the time because i dont have the confidence to be out there with him, who knows whats going on there right now...
i need to get a grip but i just can't.
this stupid eating disorder has taken me down by the knees and i've fallen flat on my face. i wanna go out where these girls are, stand up, look great, and hold my boyfriends hand, smile, and be able to feel good about myself and just feel good in general.
i feel so out of place and now that i left, i feel terrible but i might have felt worse if i stayed.
anyone have similar things happen to them? i just need help

[darkrunner]

Originally Posted by luckyyouxx

i need to get a grip but i just can't.
this stupid eating disorder has taken me down by the knees and i've fallen flat on my face.

(((((((((lucky))))))))))

I SO relate to everything you wrote, esp. the bit above.

I got overwhelmed last night too b/c my H and I went out to dinner.
I felt pressure to eat what he ordered for me, and I was so so hungry because of not eating all day.
And then afterward I felt huge, as if I had gained 20 lbs.
I wanted to cry.

Lucky, you said you "just need help" -
are you seeing a counselor or anyone?

[darkrunner]

oh, sorry, Lucky, I just read in your other post that you do see a T who helped you with positive self-talk.

Do you still see this T? Is he/she not helping as much as you need with your ED?

I have been talking very *meanly* to myself today....saying things like:
it is good to be hungry
i deserve to starve
i don't deserve to eat

If I say anything else to myself.....I'll have to eat...and I don't want to.

i think I'm a hopeless case.

[luckyyouxx]

Originally Posted by ktgirl

oh, sorry, Lucky, I just read in your other post that you do see a T who helped you with positive self-talk.

Do you still see this T? Is he/she not helping as much as you need with your ED?

I have been talking very *meanly* to myself today....saying things like:
it is good to be hungry
i deserve to starve
i don't deserve to eat

If I say anything else to myself.....I'll have to eat...and I don't want to.

i think I'm a hopeless case.

no way you are not a hopeless case, removing negative talk and thoughts take practise. just work at your ed one step at a time.
you do not deserve to starve, nor does anyone in this world, no matter how "mean" or "fat" or "greedy" they are... everyone deserves to eat.

when i dont feel like i deserve to eat i always eat anyways, but its WHAT i eat that counts. when you are hungry please eat. i always recoment celery and cucumbers because mostly its fully of water and has no calories. another good one is grapes, only 100 cal per cup i believe. i know sometimes 100 cals can feel like a lot but grapes are good for you, they arent fattening like other foods people could be eating. everyone needs fruits and veggies to survive and stay healthy.

another thing my T told me is that i have to "allow" myself to eat. because i am bulimic but i also don't binge, so i'd restrict myself at meals to just some small things or whatever i felt comfortable with. just don't think too much about it... just say, "today i am going to allow myself to eat this...and im going to be okay with it. my body needs this to live, a couple carrots will not hurt"

i dont know if im much of a help but i try.

my T is having surgery so i havent been able to talk to her for over a month and i realised just how much help she is doing for me. im pretty lucky, i hear a good T is hard to find

when i say "i just need help" i mean in the moment... when you feel alone and helpless and like you are your own worst enemy, you know?

hope you do better today and don't beat yourself up, i will try the same!