[eskielover]

How wrong we can be at times. My GP, Psychiatrist, & psychologist know that I have been struggling with not eating for months. I finally got down to a weight that was ok with me & would eat just enough so that I could work & train on my horses along with working at the ranch to help pay for the board bill. I was kinda proud that I had succeeded in not letting the ED get control. What I didn't realize was that the weight I was at didn't give me anywhere to go if a problem arose, & that is just what happened.

My Mother had cancer surgery in June this year & just before Thanksgiving, I had her put into the hospital because I thought that her infection needed to be controled by IV rather than oral. I knew she couldn't come home & live alone like she had been doing but that brought on a big fight. Once she was in the hospital, they started treating her for all other things & she started to go down hill rapidly. I found out later that the oncologist & social worker tried to insist that she go to a nursing home but she insisted that I was going to take care of setting up home care for her. During the time she was there, no one let me know what was going on with her even when I asked questions, & I was introduced to an oncology RN that was a neighbor of my mothers boyfriend & his daughter. She assured me that she could make everything go smoothly but I still wanted to talk to some professional nursing care providers. Unfortunately, I found out 4 hours before my mother was to be discharged that she was to be going home. I also found out that the RN had called the social worker & told her that she was my mothers home care RN that would be taking care of the 24 hr care that was needed. I felt trapped at that time & felt I had no other option (how stupid could I be???). My Mother was sent home by the hospital caravan since I had prior commitments & the RN was there to settle her in. I trusted her since my mothers boyfriend & daughter said she was so pationate about caring for cancer patients. The 5 days that followed were hell. It went from everything from filled out checks that had to be stopped to identity theft, to having the police called to my mothers house to accuse me of elderly abuse. The 4th day, I started looking for new nursing care, but it could not be put in place that quickly & they suggested that I keep the RN until I could get someone else. I felt like I was living through a nightmere. The paramedics were called & I later found out that the RN had given my Mom too much morphine telling her that it was imodium for her diahera. She made it through the ER, & I had her transferred to the hospital where her doctors were. She was in there 2 weeks, & I stayed with her 24 hrs a day to help with things the nurses couldn't, & to be with her to talk when she needed it. I finally broke down & asked my Psychiatrist for something for stress since I wasn't sleeping & was up every couple of hours with her pain. All I could do was take care of her & everyone was telling me to be sure to take care or myself, but the first thing that went was the food. I knew I needed the strength, but just couldn't get any food down. I finally have her in a wonderful nursing home that is taking better care of her than she got at the hospital. Once I got her settled, I ended up collapsing & am now in the hospital under the diagnosis of asthma so I can stay until I get better. I was surprised that the doctors told me to go to a spa to recooperate...I asked them if they would give me the spa time for a christmas present (that just got a laugh). Their other suggestion was to go home & get rest there even after telling them that I have 11 barking american eskimo dogs that do not know the meaning of quite & rest. I finally got my GP to admit me, but have not been able to eat for weeks with all the stress. I find it very interesting because the GP's think that my psychiatrist is doing the help along with my psychologist & yet, the weight is continuing to go down. The GP said she would get a nutritionist in to talk to me, but I'm not sure how that is going to help since it is everything I know anyway. The nausea is unbearable which is also stress & that doesn't help food go down either.

I know what I need to do, but it is seems to be even more of a problem when I am totally exhausted, emotionally upset at not knowing how many more days my Mom will be alive, & dealing with the police reports that I have to file continually. Never in my live I would have thought that something like this would have happened in the life of a simple family that actually has no real money other that to provide for my mothers care at this time of her life. It has been a trauma that seems to be ongoing & being an only child with no one to lean on other that a husband that is not that good at this kind of thing, I have a feeling of helplessness since the pastor of my mothers church warned me to back of on the police issue of my past issues of depression, etc would come back to haunt me.

I know this all seems like just a story that was made up, & to me is is a nightmere that wish I could wake up from some day, but it just never happens, & the more I don't eat, the worse I feel & the harder it is to think rationally.

What a way to start the new year.

[(JD)]

WOW! I was just thinking about you (As I cleared out my PMs from recent past...before 2005 begins..) and wondering if you would post soon! You must have caught my energy vibes. I am so glad to hear from you, and so sorry to hear what you have to say!

You are not stupid. People who take advantage of others are professionals at it, and even if someone was totally healthy, they can still be conned. None of this is your fault.

I'm unsure of what "faith" your pastor is... but I sure hope you misunderstood him! You do what you need to, and I'm sorry he isn't there to support you. What I really hope is he was trying to help you lessen your burden. Police charges, court etc is very stressful!

Ok... a nutritionist can not only remind you, but be another member of your support team. YOU NEED ALL YOU CAN GET on such a team. And yes, you probably "know" what you need to do, but having someone who is not stressed keep you on track would be a good thing! Plus she should be up to date with anything new to try.

The "new year" is just another day. One foot in front of the other... day by day... that's the only way we can do it when we are so stressed!

[Genevieve]

I was wondering how you were doing, too. I'm sorry things have gotten so rough, but I'm glad you're getting some help. I'll also give a big thumbs up for getting an nutritionist onto your team.

I know all I need to know about nutrition, right? We all know that I can lose weight like no one's business, right? Well, when I finally got a referral to a Registered Dietitian, it was the best thing that could have happened to me. I've learned something new every visit, and it's great to have someone focus on what I actually eat. She goes over things like what normal hunger is, how hungry I should be before eating (not very), how many "exchanges" I should eat of various food types, and how often. She also weighs me at every visit. (She wants me to get rid of my scale, but I can't do that.) I said that I didn't need to see a nutritionist, that I only needed one or two visits, that I certainly didn't need every week -- and I was wrong. Now I"m glad that I have a weekly appointment, even when I can't manage to acheive the goals set -- like now -- and know that I'll get a spanking. (Figuratively speaking, of course. She does have consequences for me, though. If I don't meet goals, or I continue to be dizzy, I'll have to see a doctor every other week, too, for tests.)

Anyway, DO see the nutritionist. And go in there with an open mind. An RD can be as valuable a member of your treatment team as your T.

Your pastor is saying something that makes sense to me -- that pursuing a police report will be stressful and likely to be triggering for your depression. But you know what? It can also be a sign to you that you're taking care of what needs to be done. That can be liberating, and help you feel as though you're worth the effort. I'm not sure which of the two is more important to you.

I'm in a similar place, actually. I'm filing a complaint against some of the people who treated me last year, and it's more than a little stressful. In fact, in writing out parts of the complaint, I got so upset I started to restrict again. (That's why the RD set those consequences in place.) On the one hand, going through the process is stressful and triggering, on the other hand, NOT complaining would be devastating. It would be lying down in front of the steamroller, and I just can't see doing that again. All my life, no one has protected me, and I've been damaged every time. Now I have a chance to show myself that I can do what I need to do to protect myself. Sure, it's after the fact, but it's still doing something. So, stressful, triggering, whatever -- I'm still doing it. So I understand why you wouldn't want to back off, and I support your decision, as long as you think you have to do it.

I'm so sorry about everything that's hit you, and hope things start to ease up soon. Be well, dear, and PM me when you get a chance.

[eskielover]

Today was actually quite an eventful day even though it was Jan 1 when I thought no one would be at the hospital.

Of course, I have an RN that continually bugs me about not eating & when I take a few bites, I need the nausea med that they can give me every 6 hours.

The GP that is taking my normal GP's place discussed the possibility of needing a feeding tube, but I suggested that if it came to that, the TPN was much more acceptable to me. The only thing that requires is a central line because the fluid is too thick to go through an IV. He did decide that I needed to get vitamine B12 shots which I will have to find out what they accomplish.

The nutritionist then came in & discussed the possibility of some foods that would be acceptable to me, & at this point when every food makes me nausaus, I had a problem with that. I explained to her that I really had no intrest in eating at all except a little custurd that seems to go down & settles fairly well. She did suggest that it is possible to be given "magasce" (sp?). That was what they give to cancer patient who have no appitite & it helps stimulate their eating. I think she put it down as a suggestion to the Dr for tomorrow. We really didn't come up with anything other than that at this time.

My Psychiatrist had put in a call to my nurses station requesting that my Dr have a psychiatrist that has privilidges at the hospitle come & see me & he showed up today. He did get a chance to have a conference call with my psychiatrist before completing the conversation with me. He actually didn't tell me anything that I didn't already know, except he put it to me in a very serious way. He asked very direct questions which I knew I had to answer truthfully. He said what I knew which was that I was in a viscous circle where my stress was causing me not to eat & my not eating was causing depression which was causing more stress which was causing more not eating, etc, etc. He really suggested that I go onto a small dose of celexa which was one I had used a few years ago. I was really rejected it because I was afraid of the side effects. Then came the question as to whether I was afraid that I would gain weight by taking antidepressants? He was right on on all his comments & questions, & suggested that while I am in the hospital that it is a good time to try the med because he will be in to see me everyday to check on the effect the med has on me. At that point, I couldn't argue & felt that he had so much insight on the eating disorder. He even asked me questions about how I handled it & if I was just restricting or using other methods like I did the last time. So far so good this time, all I have been doing is restricting for the last 3 weeks but when he found out how much I had lost, he was very upset. I am very glad he is communicating with my psychiatrist since I am so sensitive to meds that I am very scared of the side effects. I am very impressed that he is an MD that is a clinical assistant professor at the USC department of psychiatry. He seems to have a very good background in eating disorders from the questions he asked. I realize that now that I no longer have my ED under control like I thought, after all that has gone on, I can't resist help at this time especially since I need to get better in order to be with my Mom for as long as I have her. I know she knows when I am with her even though it seems like she doesn't.

Now that I am in the hospital, & they seem to have the doctors available to hopefully make it work as long as I let my mine make it work also, it is time to take the action needed even though it will take me longer to get out of the hospital than I had first hoped.

I did get some dog therapy today when my husband brought down two of my eskies & my new baby chocolate lab/ chow mix. I got so much love from them, I knew I missed it, but not as much as when you are there to hug & kiss them. Leo is just my guard dog & tries to protect me, especially when I am hooked up to all those tubes. They wouldn't let them into the hospital, so my nurse looked the other way & let me go outside the hospital to visit them (you have to have a Dr ok to leave the floor, but this just came up at the last minute). Now the only thing is to have my baby horse brought down here because all the nurses want to see her. I would probably clear out the hospital with the interest in her...everyone wants to see her not just in pictures.

I will probably be in here for another week just to make sure I actually start to recover besides the exhaustion but guess this is the best place for me, & it sure beats being in a psych ward. I was surprised how much that freaked me out last week when my psychiatrist suggested it & I hadn't been in one for years. Just can't go back to that again.

Did any of you watch the Rose Parade? I really enjoy the floats & reminds me of my childhood when my parents were brave enough to actually go to it without only watching it on TV. Memories came back that were difficult to get through, but will find that happening from now on.

Glad I am getting help now & hope my mind realizes how important this recovery is to getting back to being with my Mom. It seems so simple...just don't know why my mind is making is so complicated?

[itsjustme111]

I wish I had something to offer you right now. All I can say is that I feel for you. My heart and thoughts are with you.

Its not simple my dear. Please hang in here and get well.

Lots of love to you ((((((eskielover))))))

Justy