i started acting like a purging type anorexic again! whats my problem? i didnt eat anything today except dinner, then i felt so full that i barfed it up.
i dont want to be fat! i am 125 and i want to be 105. 20 pounds to lose! i feel so drained now, and so disgusted with myself.

[sqrlb8]

I'm so sorry CCL, your struggle is on so many fronts right now. I don't know much about eating disorders, if that's what is really going on. I do know that women in general (and probably women in California even more so..lol) are under an absurd expectation burden about their appearance. I think that's awful and sucks bad.

The other thing I think is that the more on top of your bipolar situation you get, the more some of these other things may come into fucus.

Was glad to see in a post yesterday that you are taking the depakote. I hope you experience some relief soon.

I think you are fabulously bright, artistic and emotionally honest. I am in utter empathy with your current struggle with order disorder and how and who you are. It does yield, you do go on, and it's better than before. Hang in there.

peace.

thank you sqrl! sweet.... so nice what you said about me being "fabulously bright, artistic and emotionally honest"

i have noticed that as i get relief from this bipolar disorder, i can see all the other stuff thats been buried under my huge pile of madness. maybe the bipolar disorder helped me in a way, to ignore all this other stuff. or maybe there is more to me than even meets the eye.... can a person be borderline and bipolar?
maybe i dont want to get well... if the tornado of bipolar disorder was shielding my eyes from all the torment inside me, then maybe i want to stay inside the shelter of the tornado.

[sqrlb8]

Hi CCL, oooh, your starting to focus on some good stuff.

As for the possibility of borderline and bipolar coexisting, yep. This stuff, mental illness in general, is genetic as can be often, in as much as the children of affected tend to be affected, yet the differences are striking. For example, my grandmother was bp, my mother is bp, my brother is borderline personality disorder with bp "features." I am bp with various "features."

I imagine it at times to be like a train. Each dx is like a car on the train, and one of them, will be the engine that pulls the whole thing. I mean, I don't get the luxury of each symptom or dx presenting seperately. When one cycles out, the rest eventually follow until the train wreck finally occurs.

Naturally there is more to you than meets the eye. But I seriously doubt that you find the "shelter of the tornado" to be any real security.

The thing is, our perceptions of our self have been contaminated in a sense by the "tornadic" influence. As you gain a measure of space between your feelings and your perception of your core "self," you begin to recognize your own beauty again. I promise.

As for wanting to "get well," well, LOL. I guess the joke there seems to hinge on ones definition of "well." I look at the ignorance of the "undiagnosed" often times and consider for myself that if that is "well" I'd rather be "nuts." In a more realistic tone however, I've come to regard the concept of "wellness" for myself to be just that measure of space between my feelings and my self, so I am not so easily lead by the nose by whatever symptom jumps up and hollers for attention.

When we first begin to sort out for ourselves, what was bp, what was real, how screwed up AM I, etc., it really CAN seem like the bp was "helping." Really though, what is more accurate, is that we have adapted our whole self perception according to the dictates of our disorder.

Ya know, you can just look at your own posts here at the forums, and see for yourself a wide variety of self perceptions. You are on the way to finding a real and abiding sense of self that will endure the cycles. It's there. I promise.

So glad you stuck around!

[colors]

Hi candy,

Do you think part of it is pressure from someone else for you to be less weight?

I use to apply so much pressure to be that size too. What helped me was to choose different types of friends. I found happiness in new thoughts.

It is interesting that when I decided to take the pressure of weight off myself, that I met different type of men. I was no longer being hit on by the ones only wanting sex. (Seems I was a magnet for the wrong type of guy - and they are so so charming.)

I now look for men that have intellegence first. They must have that or I don't have any interest in them. Over the years this has developed into a complete avoidence of that type. I will say a few words to them, and nothing else.

I love the intellegent men, and sex happens in a natural and warm way.

Colors

i like intelligent men too....lately though, black guys have been hitting on me. one guy at work who is kind of a friend, said "mmm, youre really thickening up, i like it".. is that supposed to be a compliment?!
im not saying anything bad here about black guys, but they just arent my thing.
well, i dont need a man right now anyway. i have plenty of batteries.....