chaos

i cant stop binging. no matter what i do i just want to eat everything, fill myself up. the whole time im doing it im thinking "why are you eating this, you fat disgusting pig! you dont deserve to eat, you dont even deserve to be alive." i cant stop. i just want to be thin & happy and beautiful and i want everyone to love me but i cant stop eating.

Hun. Ok the good thing is you are havinga thought during your binge. That you don't want to be doing this. The thing is you do deserve to eat. You do deserve to be loved. You are beautiful. But you are equating all of this into food. And that does not work, and that will get you into big trouble. Food cannot fill up what you are filling up what you are lacking in loneliness and how much you need someone to love you. Noone can SEE your pain, by being bulimic noone can read your mind you need to find a better way to coomunicate your needs to ask for what you want. I so understand what you are doing but it makes you cry more, why doesn't anyone care? Why doesn't anyone help me? I'm sick. Tell someone. Ask for love. My guess is you might but when someone gets close to you, you run or push them away. This disease wants you to think it can help you, but it stops working. And that is where you are at. It does nothing. Pretty soon your just a machine, and your not you anymore. And my guess is ther's a whole lot more to you then just food and eat and toss. When that voice says what are you doing. That is your stop sign that is the healthy part of you! Either get a support unit going, syep away get on the computer, or something. But divert yourself. You are beautiful you are deserving.

I want to get so thin that I disappear.

I think anyone that post in the ed section does or has felt this way. Problem is you dissaper you die. And I don't think that is igzactly but close to what you have in mind. You are really hurting right now. It's good to voice it. But the way you are doing this you are not going to be any of these things not thin not happy not beautiful not respected or loved just dead.

I went on a several-month-long binge after restricting heavily a few years ago and went from my then lowest weight of BMI 18.4 to BMI 25.6. It certainly isn't healthy and I would suggest making sure you eat three dense, fibre-rich meals every day (such as bran flakes for breakfast, brown rice for lunch, wholemeal pasta for evening meal) so that if you do binge you are less likely to binge as much.

All I have done today is b/p. I am so stressed about everything, I don't know what else to do.

Hi,
some people eats just only for their taste, does n't matter they are hungry or not .

Have you tried any grounding or distraction techniques? Do you have someone IRL that you can call for support? A t or pdoc maybe? Good job posting here about it. Will talking about the stressors make it better or worse? If it will help, please post about them, maybe together we can come up with something that will help.

Exactly. I can feel so full but I'll keep going because I know I'm just going to throw it up anyways.

Pre planned out come. And add to that .

" l'll start tommorow." that let me have the last biggest binge because It was going to be the last . Only it never was .

I had to make the desision I was no longer going to purge.
Purging wasn't an option any more. It is in fact an out. It cheating .

If Purging wasn't an option then I guess 'have to think twice about having a bag of anything near by if it gave me problems.

I asked myself what i wanted for myself.
I didn't want to compulsively over eat because i didn't want to deal with all that goes with it the health and how i felt about my self attractiveness. Thats what got me started in the first place. I didn't have help or options on how to handel the food. I didn't know there was such a thing as compulsive over eating that it a disease a disorder and addiction.

For me it just as Mackleo said. Its "taste" driven. It always was for me from birth . If it tastes good I get triggered. and something lights up in the brain and says More . Huger has nothing to do with it.

not sitting there asking myself if Im full yet or not. If its a box of oatmeal cookies and they are good ones Im reaching for more.

Even today I have to be willing to throw away half a box if Im working on it .

better to throw it in the trash than throw it up . same outcome any hoo.

Ive even put motor oil on stuff so I wouldn't retrieve it . Thats when I was first getting abstinate. Its called willing to go to any lenghts.
and

If someone gifted me something even after I said no it went in the closest trash can . One time I hurled it out of my car window. I figured the birds would find it. gormet ! yippeee!!!!!

I can binge on fat free sugar free food . If it tastes great I'm off the the races.

And sometmes all I want to do is stuff my face when that happens.

It doesn't go away . I still have that to deal with . It probably never will.

I don't give three sheets to any kind of wind what anyone thinks or says about this. I know me and my body and what happens. For some they may not have this sensitivity. I do .

if I get in that danger zone of eating too much the purge comes into the act .

I used to have binge purge dreams for many yaers after I stopped. I' d wake up shaking thinking I did it.

Thats true powerlessness . when your subconcious acts it out. I wasn't happy about that . I really thought I had had a slip.

Im scared of it for good reason. I take thus stuff very seriously .
and I DO NOT want to get to that point anymore .

Once your out of it you don't want to go back there.

I wanted a sane eating life of little worry and little focusing on food being around it handeling it and making it for others.

And its not something I care to divulge to others unless its absolutely nessesary.

Thats what I need , thats what I have and I'm grateful for it.

Patricia