If i don't turn around

I finally went to my nurse practitioner today. She has a weight peramiter that I am suppose to fit in and. And being in treatment so many times they have told me to throw away my scales. Well, a lot of good that has done me. I finally get up the guts to go I get on the scale backwards. And whala! She tells me I'm not even close. And that I knew it. The thing is, I didn't. I really didn't. And I was really upset cuz now I don't know how bad it is. But that I failed. But my eating disorder says I'm fine.
Then she calls me later and tells me my labs are bad. I'm tired and confused. I had a bad week. Not with my ed but with life. And I feel like I just got stomped on.

I left there so dissapointed, I couldn't make a food choice if my life depended on it. Where to now? Is this the last time I crash with my anorexia I feel fine? Am I really in big trouble? In worse denial than ever before?

i wish someone would reply to this i fell like i am just spinning

Hi Tifferific,

It is harder to face reality than not. I think to some degree you may be in denial. I know I am. It is in some ways we easier to push problems on the back burner.

Are you seeing a counselor who specializes in eating disorders? Is your doctor and counselor working together to help yopu recognize and address your fears and anxieties? Ican't promise this will be your last crash. I know I have promised myself many times that "this is it", but here I sit with no improvement.

I think if you can just focus on today and getting through today, realizing that you are a unique individual with a purpose in this life and that people like me value you (even though we have never met your input has been helpful and I appreciate it).

It is very difficult to focus on making healthier choices when our minds play games with us, but one hour is less overwhelming than one evening, and one evening is less than a day, and a day less than a week, and so on.

Take one hour or minute at a time and know that I am here for you

Tiffierific take care,

-Beth

I am happy to be here for you.
What I ment by last crash is I'm not sure of the outcome of this one. I'm being a realist here and I know that I don't know if I can find what is going to turn this around. Day by day. Or hour by hour. I've done it all. But I am ok with it. I think I am. I jsut don't know. Maybe I need to call dr Phil.

Hi Tiffer,

If I don't turn around I'll never get to the next step.or sequence . And I wanna be able to do it fancey I do have to turn around in all kinds of ways.

Yes I can see what a prediament it would be to have thrown away your scale plus not knowing what your weight is because you get on backwards.

And Then bieng told you failed and that you knew.

kinda infering you didn't toss your scale , and infering your not trying.

coaches can be easy or tough. If they are tough and make you get up and try that move again and again and again.

THATS what makes you winner .

If they go easy . you sorta stay at the same level.

And if your paying 80.00 an hour weather its a private lesson or a therapy session. You get what you work for.

I don't like to face this reality either. And I disslike feeling I'm being judged or lazey or not trying.

The weight doesn't show up over night or week to week.

there are other choices you can make or things you can throw out besides the scale .

You may have to not "buy laxitives" any more .
You may have to give up long distance running or any over exertion. If those are your control methods.
And you have to then be willing to eat .

Then you will gain weight and have better lab results.

Its up to you to say yea or neigh.

I get stuck doing the work I need to be doing . The eating for me is already surrendered .

I have my physical health . Emotions I have to take to the cleaners all the time and be willing to get the everyday work to survive attended to.

its a first things first. For you right now its your heath thats on the line. It must come first. Just keep trying and don't beat yourself up .

I figure skate and I love it. I used to skate My figure.

Now I just want to learn a back ward swing rocker..

and I will cause I got the visualization skills and I'm not gonna give up till I get it.

Visualize yourself making it though a meal a day as a winner.

Patricia.

It's the end of an old day and soon to be the beginning of a new one. One day at a time.

Can't tell you what I ate yesterday. But I thought it was way too much and I cried so hard. I didn't toss it but I did clean all day

Oh Tifferific. I am thinking of you.

Can't think. Just want to cry. What do I do?

Went to my T today. Didn't know what to say. Just feel like there's nothing left to say. I know that my ed has control, but am not at a spot that I know how to reach out to do something about it.
They are all concerned. And I just sit there.
Then there is the part of me that says I'm o.k and that they are making a big deal out of nothing. The adderall has helped my thoughts.
But I just seem to start to wonder if I am just able to fight right now do I just take a break when I'm at my lowest?

Well you have a husband Tiffer , He must be supporting of you.

You have to reach within yourself Tiffer. The eating disorder resides within you . "IT" or " ED" as you refer to it . does not control you. Not unless you let it . Same goes for what others do or say.

You can't change thier attitudes or how they view you.

But you sure shootin don't have to let them have access to yourr mind and heart.

Same goes for the food. You have to know its nature and how it works with in you for you.

For me I Know the true nature of Niibisco and Keebler. And its been proccesed.. LOL!!!!!!

In short . you have to do most of the work Tiffer. like 90%.

or at least 50% and someone will meet you half way.



the cold hard reality is most people in the therapy chair are not where you are. They may have been at one time hard to know .
Im not where you are right now . I was many years ago and I know what its like to be in that position .

I had to find my own way out. all the answers are out there .I had to apply them.

I'm grateful for the regression. that was "the" saving grace for me. the window that capulted me forward.

its the truth I hang my hat on each day .

I still have other strugles. I 'm not keen on hanging any childhood trauma ribbons or ED ribbos aroud my neck even though I survived and am a survivor.
maybe if had a husband who loved me would but right now it ain't drawing anyone in. quite the opposite,

Patricia.











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you don't understand that i don't have the support that you think. i don't think my therapist can even get me or meet me half way. the only one that gets me is my nurse and she is trying to keep a distance so mu therapist can help me. but after last week i'm afraid that she's totally misinterpreting me.