[Shirt1212]

My mom and I had a very Codependent relationship growing up, when I was a kid I lived to please my mom and make sure she was happy. As I ventured into adulthood any form of growing up or making adult decisions was met with hostility. It started with verbal ish abuse, I asked to go to and under 18 club with my friend and her dad worked there, I was told I didn't have the right clothes and wouldn't know what to do there I was 17 at the time. A week later my sister was allowed to go to a foam party at a under 21 club, she was 14. It got progressively physical. At first intimation and she would corner me. I have vivid memories of my moms teeth and flared nostrils while being yelled at. When I was in college (I went to a local comunity college) I had really stupid homework it was basicly busy work in a blow off class and it wasn't due for a week, well for some reason there were 2 neighbor kids chasing each other thru the house and I couldn't concentrate so I started to put the homework away. My mom freaked out, she screamed I had to do it then, that she wasn't paying 15,000 dollars for me to fail (that is not how much school was and I was paying my own way that year, also my parents always told me they would put me thru college until they got divorced then it was a 3rd each) well I tried to walk away and she grabbed my arm hard, scratching me drawing blood. Nothing crazy but I still have a 3 inch scar on my for arm and had to field questions for weeks until it healed, I even had a friend sit me down thinking I had done it to myself. She's hit me on my head really hard then been mad when my eyes welled with tears. Once I had went to get my hair done and hung out with my sister after, I do live far from my fam but never made plans with my mom that day, anyways we went over and she hit me hard on my head because ... Honestly I can't even remember why, but I was 6 months pregnant at the time. She mostly grabs arms smacks my head and tries to intimmadate to gain control but is this typical?

Sorry it's been a strange couple months dealing with this. I want to have some kind of relationship with her, I have 2 babies, I'm a new mom and I've never wanted to keep my mom from my kids but I can't have her in my life if she wants to try and control me.

[*Laurie*]

It sounds like there's a lot of inconsistency with the way your mom parents, and an odd roundabout way of setting boundaries. For example, I would not have allowed my 17 year old to go to an 18+ club, regardless of who worked there. It wouldn't have been about clothes, it would have been about age-appropriateness. And then I wouldn't have permitted my 14 year old to go to a 21+ club - under any circumstances. (btw, what 21 and over club would allow a 14 year old in? Here in California, a club that did that would likely be shut down, and fast.)

To answer your question, I don't think the relationship is "typical dysfunctional adult child parental relationship" - I just don't think your mom's parenting, from what you've described, is the best. Her communication skills could certainly use work.

[striking]

You shouldn't be anywhere near her until she works out her temper and abusive behaviors. Plus there is no way I would allow her near children.

If she is willing, work on these issues with her, but do it in a safe place for you.

[pegasus]

Hello Shirt1212,

It was natural for you to look up to your Mom when you were growing up as a child as she was the care giver. But these realisations now are important. You Mom obviously has some real issues, no one has the right to hit someone else! This is abuse.

So, I know you must feel some sort of obligation to your Mom but you need to do what is best for your mental health and the safety of your own children. If your Mom did this to you, it is likely she would do the same thing with your children. I would suggest getting therapy for everything you have been through.

[Shirt1212]

They were an 18 and under club and a 21 and under club. The 21 and under club was shut down just weeks after this for shady reasons. I wouldn't have let my 14 yearold go to the 21 and under club either, I did say something to my mom about it, she told me I was jealous that my sister was living her life.... If my 17 year old wants to go to a dance club that's 18 and under, and I know that her friends parent is gonna be there I would let her go. I wasn't a rebelish kid, I have never done any drugs of any kind, I didn't swear until I was in my 20s, still rarely drink and when I do I don't drink to get drunk. My goa was never under a 3.0, I did my homework and studied. The only time I drank in my teens was at the insistence of my mom, she thought I would end up with a spiked drink and get taken advantage of.

like I said its a compacted relationship. It's just that it seams every time I try and do anything a normal adult would do its met with hostility, and if I say that this is my life (I'm in my late 20s now) she flips it telling me that I'm acting like a child. Even when it's something random. I bought some new clothes, my mom sees me and says "didn't they have it in black?" I say "they did but I wanted color" (said with a smile on my face not in anyway sarcastic or mean) she huffed away. I don't know, the Im issue is my sibling and i have been to protective of my mother. She can be horrible to us but the min some one asks a question that could be offensive (how much she drinks, why she stopped gardening, etc) we evade the question and help her save face. It's a really stupidly complicated relationship. But so now that I'm not putting up with this insanity I'm being treated like I'm slandering her good name, just by not taking her crap, or just not lying anymore.

She is never around my kids alone, I just feel bad she keeps comparing herself to all these other people her age that are grandparents (some of them are really not nice people) but my mom tends to have this belief that bad people shouldn't be happy. My father and her are divorced and any time he does anything "fun" or takes a "trip" she gets really upset, like irrationally upset. They have been divorced 14 years. I don't know what Im trying to say. This just sucks,

I've been reading about Adult Child, Parent relationships, Emotional Manipulation, narcissism and codependency. We fall some where in there, def in the emotional manipulation category. Just trying to figure out how to handle this situation. If I don't figure out how to set up good boundries and keep her at arms reach then I won't be able to ever enjoy my home town.

[*Laurie*]

Hmm. Your mom sounds like a toxic person. I hope you are in therapy so you learn ways of living your life that are not like the wacky way she lives hers.

[Shirt1212]

We are honestly nothing alike in that sense. I'm always a live and let live person, she is racist and homophobic. I love to travel and adventure in the out doors, I don't think shes been out of the house in months. The only time I ever did anything remotely even considered spanking (my daughter loves yo eat dog food) I picked her up turned her around and patted her butt to get her moving away, I cried for 15 mins. I'm not gonna put one kid down for A's because of the others C's, I don't live in the past, I don't needlessly worry about nothing. Idk. What I need to do is learn how to handle her with out being labeled a B****. This just sucks

[Hellion]

No that is not normal that is abuse...she should not be hitting you, also if your pregnant that kind of abuse can also hurt the baby so you just might have to cut her out of your life. Do you still live with her....or do you live sepereately? But yeah if she's abusive to you, what would stop her from being abusive towards your children/her grandchildren. I makes sense you want a mother in your life and you want a grandmother in your kids lives but you cannot excuse her nasty behavior on that basis.

[Shirt1212]

We don't live together and when she hit me while I was pregnant that was once. I love many hours away from her. I guess what I really meant to ask, is it typical for a disfunctional/ codependent parent child relationship to escalate like that. From manipulation and verbal abuse to physical and intimidation when you start to "grow up". Honestly I know she's a lost cause. Her husband is a horder (not diagnosed but it's pretty odvious) she barely leaves the house, she has 6 dogs and 2 cats that she doesn't take care of and aren't trained or house broken, she claimed to have panic attacks everytime she sees my daughter (honestly I think she was just trying to manipulate me, make it out like I put to much pressure on her) she has anger issues that are insane (this really started after she met her husband, that's a whole other can of worms) she drinks from sun up to sun down, is often drunk at night, she has become extreamly racist and homophobic, she lies constantly just to make herself right, she manipulates, she lives in the past (brings up
Things that happened years ago for no reason)

Honestly I just want to try and get along, if I don't I'll lose my sister. Even tho I knew that was inevitable. My parents had a very bad relationship, I was the reason they got married. My dad wasn't there when we were kids but now I have a relationship with him, into not perfect and it's no where near father and daughter, more like uncle and niece (you know not really an athlority but someone you might take advice from) anyways my sister always wanted to be daddy's girl she played sports and the whole nine yards any ways after the divorce my dad watched my cousins a couple times and it turned into a whole thing, he never took us to the park, or whatever. My first child is a girl and when my dad held her for the first time my sister was red with jealousy, my second is a boy, my mom lives to compare people negatively, I know she'll find something "wrong" with my kids especially since she doesn't like my husband or his family (long story had to to with my wedding). I knew my kids would be the end of my relationship with them. I know I should just walk away and forget it but I feel like an a-hole for that. Idk sorry that was a long post. I'm safe tho and even the phyical abuse I did sustain was very minor I apparently take after my dad (my mom has screamed this) and know when to get the hell out of the way.

[*Laurie*]

Shirt1212, What are some steps you can think of that you can take in order to get along with your mom?