[Msorganized]

My ex husband has put me through hell. He was abusive, controlling and all of the other things that narcissistic sociopaths like him come with. He took my son from me and for the past 13 years has continued to make my life hell. And to boot, hes not a good parent. He has never changed, repeating the same patterns with many other women after me. Nothing bad has happened to him so far. I am certainly not perfect but i know i am a good person and i have a kind heart. I dont derserve everything he has put me through. Let alone my son. Everyone has always told me, dont worry, he'll get what he deserves. But here we are 13 years later and he is still thriving, getting everything he wants. Good job, and still getting child support from me, while i struggle. Ive tried thinking positive, tried praying for him as well as for me, but nothing seems to make me feel better about the whole thing. He has caused me immeasurable pain and trauma and its not over. I try not to think about it too much or feel sorry for myself, because i do have blessings. But i get so overwhelmed sometimes that i think about ending my life over this. Sometimes its too much to cope with. I have so much hate for him but i know its not healthy for me to feel that way. How do i let go of this and forgive him for my sake and my son's sake? Esp since i have to deal with him for the rest of my life being that we have a kid together??

[LindaLu]

You are grappling with one of the oldest truths of human existence. Why do bad things happen to good people while bad people not only suffer no consequences, they thrive? Religion and philosophy and satire all try to rationalize the very evident madness, but no one source provides answers for everyone. Worse yet, some of us find no rationalization from any quarter.

I don't know the answer for you, but if you are good -- and you are -- you deserve life, not death. I am in the process of making a painful decision to extinguish ties with a situation poisoned by narcissism and denial as you describe. I failed to change the "other" and it hurts. I will never forgive, and believe forgiveness is a tool of masters to control the weak.

I'm sorry my posting cannot answer your pain and anger. It's just an expression of solidarity and heartfelt hope for your future. As I told a friend who asked if she should end it all when her adult child rejected her plea for help, "No you should live on that much longer to see her life's path and independently grow your own garden."

[nicoleflynn]

I divorced my ex after 31 years of verbal and physical abuse. I certainly understand how you feel; that was 14 years ago; he has someone in his life and I am alone.
I am still struggling with forgiveness; pray about it, etc., etc.....there are no answers unfortunately and I send love and hugs to you.

Perhaps writing a letter of "restorative justice"---most important words I ever heard...meaning; this is what you did; this is how it made me feel......You can choose to send or not send it, but writing it all down, might make you feel a little better.

I am a writer, and I think my writing has helped so much. xo

Your story is somewhat similar to mine. I have often wished that something bad would happen to my ex. He was abusive, and so far it seems that very little "karma" or whatever people call it, has come back to him. I've been told that "he'll get what he deserves".
I don't want to have these feelings of wishing ill on him, but it just doesn't seem fair after what he put my son and I through.
I think the best reason to stop wishing harm on him though, is for yourself to forgive.
If we forgive what they've done, we can move on and not think about it. It is them that loses the power over us. He doesn't deserve all that space that he takes up in my head.
Your ex doesn't deserve to be in your thoughts, taking up that space and you reliving the hurt that he put you through.
Maybe things look like they are going okay or good for him, but you don't know what goes on behind closed doors.
Forgiving is for yourself, not for him. That is hard to understand, but if you really think about it, it takes away their power of continuing to make you feel hurt over the past.

[Elle_Unmotivated]

It took me 13 years to stop wishing bad things upon my kid's father. Now I just want him to do well so my kid has a good life.
He wasn't physically abusive,it was all emotional abuse and making me feel like I was constantly crazy. Oh and the cheating and lying.

I'm still working on my feelings of ill will toward my ex husband,whom I don't have a child with but still have to deal with him because he's part of the company where I work. I imagine it'll take several years but it will eventually fade.
Sometimes a person is so bad that forgiveness is highly overrated. I think leaving that person out of your mind is better for you than forgiveness. Just make them cease to exist in your head when they aren't right in front of you. It's tough but not impossible.

[brainhi]

These are really good posts!!! Msorganized - please know you are understood.

With my x - I was emotionally/mentally more experienced. When we split there was resentment but I also realize it just did not work. We had dreams and it's sad we could not figure out how to make it work. He and I did not have the tools to figure out how to make it work. We both came from homes where there was so much dysfunction - we thought we could rise above it...

My dad was a different story - I held on to anger and resentment for a great deal of my life. He was my blood and he was awful. Over time I was able to let go of this (I let him go too). I was being held hostage in my own brain with my thoughts/emotions regarding him. I wasted a lot of time on this.

It did get better - with therapy. You can learn techniques to stop these feelings. Do not let those memories continue to destroy the best of you. Now and then some of the old feelings come back - but now I know how to deal with it. I do not stuff it - I feel it but then I let go. It's not overwhelming. Heck I made it though Father's Day! That use to be one of the worst days of the year for me.

My aunt holds on to resentment of her x - going on 30 yrs now....don't do it. I promise it will get better but you probably need help with it.

Glad you are here - take care!

[CopperStar]

People like him are like half machine and half feral animal. They don't really enjoy much of anything and covet what emotionally healthy people have, while never actually understanding it. They are wretched, gnashing things who live in endless boredom and agitation. Even your pity is wasted on them because it has no effect on them. And so is your hatred. If a tornado blew your house away, would you hate that tornado? Would you spend your years hating the sky? Probably not, because the sky doesn't feel. Well neither does your ex. Sociopaths are tragedies and we can all agree that often the circumstances leading to the creation of a sociopath are horrendous and unacceptable. But it still is what it is. You must allow yourself to see him for what he is. A machine. A tornado. A virus. Not something that is worthy of your emotional energy.

How do i let go of this and forgive him for my sake and my son's sake? Esp since i have to deal with him for the rest of my life being that we have a kid together??

You cannot forgive because you are still hurting.
You are still hurting because you cannot forgive.

You are in an impossible situation.
Fortunately, All Things are possible if we just acknowledge and cling to our Loving Creator.

I am not talking about a God of any religion. I am talking about the Love that is All around Us.

I have been through Hell with my Ex. (Women can be monsters too)
There are children involved.

I have come out of that Hell a better person.
I am stronger and wiser.

Everything is orchestrated by The Creator to make us wise, strong and loving creatures.

To forgive, one must Love.
To Love, one must understand...

We are all doing our best with the strength and wisdom we possess.
Get strong & wise

[marmaduke]

I hate. I hate my mother. I hate my ex husband, a narcissist like mother was. And I hate me.
Why didn't I fight these bast###s.

Mother is dead (at 92) I am divorced.

I do not forgive, however I do accept. Acceptance is the key to letting go.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,The courage to change the things I can,And the wisdom to know the difference.