[paradox22]

I am being abused by my father and I have bipolar and an eating disorder. My father today told me I am "retarted" mentally but I know I'm not. He has turned me into a monster because I believed all the abuse and criticism growing up. Now I hate everyone and mostly myself. I'm 22 and can't get out of my parents house because of my "problems" I think I only have bipolar because he abused me as a child and abuse can trigger mental illness. My dad thinks I'm a monster but it's really him who is. He messed me up so bad. I hope I can muster enough self love to get through this. I'm prepared to give more than I get.

[Thunder Bow]

Best to move out from your controlling parents, "problems" and all. You will feel much better.

[Tauren]

You have to get out of there. Your dad didn't turn you into a monster! He's the problem, not you . You won't get better while you're living with him.

[pegasus]

Hello paradox22, you have enough insight to realise what is going on, this is where you can start to make changes. You've recognised the abuser and the effects it's had and having on you, now the next step is to share with those you trust to get out of it and start making those changes for a better life. It may take some time but the strength is within you.

[moodycow]

good luck with getting out of this situation ,keep us posted on how you are doing .this is a good place for advice and support.

[healingme4me]

I agree with the others, time to take the necessary steps to move. Time away from such a toxic environment seems critical.

Keep us posted.

[paradox22]

Hi. So I'm pretty dependent on my dad and even crave the abuse so any ideas on how to separate from him emotionally?

[annoyedgrunt84]

It sounds like anything would be better than the situation you are currently in. Even if you have to go to a homeless shelter you really need to get out of there.

I'm sorry for you. Just leave, he's no good for you. The attachment will fade away...it's like a Stockholm Syndrome or dependent personality disorder or something.

My parents beat us up for most of my life. Our self esteem was so demolished that we were led to believe that we couldn't survive on our own. Once I got out, I never looked back. We are damaged goods. It took awhile to learn to love myself and that they were wrong. I wish you well.

[paradox22]

I just found out my brother (he's away at college) feels exactly the way I do right now. He is feeling out of control. Why would we be feeling exactly the same? Is it because of our past of abuse? We both also have mental illnesses but we were both abused too.

My sisters and I are like really messed up....but I took the brunt of it. It's understandable. The way I see it, they were abused when they were kids which made them abuse us. We can break the cycle. I broke ours.

Hang in there sweety. If things get bad, call 911.

[nicoleflynn]

Getting into therapy can help you leave the abuser.

[NicoleBriz]

I really hope you can get out of that situation and start feeling better about yourself. Distancing yourself from your father is the most important step right now.

Paradox, I am so sorry.

Regarding your brother: illness runs in the family. Your brother may have some underlying problems of his own. Also, it is possible your father too suffers from illness. I am jumping to this conclusion because you have inferred his abuse is spontaneous.

Regarding your own mental health: Yes, bipolar is often linked to ptsd and childhood traumatic experiences. But I say triggered. I am not a professional, my knowledge of mental illness and bipolar is limited. But, my understanding is that the potential for the illness simply exists in cirtain people, it just takes the right set of circumstances to bring it on. (Forgive me if I have erred here, please set me straight if I have done so). Thus, I'm not so sure your dad 'made' you bipolar. But, he certainly contributed to it.

Your wanting the abuse: This is understandable. It is what happens when circumstances are repeated and the only thing we know. We tend to fear change and the unknown more than what has become a well practised routine. Also part of such abuse is instilling in the individual a sense of worthlessness, defeatism, and sense that they are incapable of going it on their own. To some degree the victim becomes a co-dependant of the abuser. Breaking away is hard.

Leaving the situation: But the decision to break away is the hardest part of doing so. You MUST leave this situation and environment. I am assuming part of the inability to leave is financial dependence on your father. I'm not sure how things work in the USA. I am on provinvial disability assistance (government). It isn't great but it affors me enough to be independent. Have you investigated what services are offered in your State? Your number one resource regarding this will be your mental health care team.

Good luck. Incidentally, I myself am the product of an abusive and dysfunctional parent. I realize in hindsite she was probably bipolar herself. I see the signs of anxiety disorder in my son and it is possible my daughter is bipolar too. I am learning that cousins of mine have their own issues as did our grandfather before us. So yes, I am a proponent of the theory it is inherited. If you wish to talk, you can PM me.

[kelseyy.lauren]

I agree. You should get out ASAP. You are worthy of love and respect. I am pretty sure you are not a monster. There is nothing wrong with you! Mental illness is something that you can't help. You don't choose to have X,Y,Z. You are perfectly and wonderfully made, and I hope that one day you will believe it! Your brother probably feels the same because of the abuse you both went through and how you both suffer from mental illness. Some of it could be related to stress at college but probably the abuse is a big factor as well. Please, please, please, do what is best for you. With proper treatment and your dedication you can learn to live with your disorders and be happy and healthy on your own. I wish you all the best

[paradox22]

Hey guys so I'm still in this pretty abusive house but was able to separate from my father quite a bit. Am learning as much as I can about the effects of abuse. Am thinking about telling my dad's sister about the abuse. Plan to leave the house in mid December. Something I don't understand is that my dad says he thinks I'm faking my "major flaws." Sounds weird he would think that or that that could be possible, why would someone want to fake that they have flaws? It's dumb. Like he thought I faked that I had an eating disorder but I actually had one. Another thing, my dad gets extremely suspicious when I'm on the phone. He says who are you talking to?? With like a your stupid tone of voice.

[AngstyLady]

I really hope there's a way you can move out- since your still under 24there should be several job assistance programs you can apply to for assistance that usually offer room and board. just an idea, I hope this helps a bit- this sounds awful- I'm sorry you've had to grow up that way.

[LucyD]

Do you get any kind of therapy? You may need it to be able to separate yourself from your situation. It's hard to do it alone. I see your brother communicates with you, that's good you both have each other. I'm sorry your father put you through so much, that was not right at all!

[Pierro]

Originally Posted by paradox22

I am being abused by my father and I have bipolar and an eating disorder. My father today told me I am "retarted" mentally but I know I'm not. He has turned me into a monster because I believed all the abuse and criticism growing up. Now I hate everyone and mostly myself. I'm 22 and can't get out of my parents house because of my "problems" I think I only have bipolar because he abused me as a child and abuse can trigger mental illness. My dad thinks I'm a monster but it's really him who is. He messed me up so bad. I hope I can muster enough self love to get through this. I'm prepared to give more than I get.

I cannot understand how any adult would abuse a child, I cannot get my head around that. You are so young, and you can get your life back without your father in your life, as he is toxic in every way. I think you are so brave and I admire your strength and courage, that will see you through. Best wishes... I wish I could offer you more support because you seem like a lovely person and you deserve a lot better out of life than you are getting at the moment. *hugs*

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[StarGazingFish]

your dad has obvious issues and it shoud not be up to you to deal with them, you deserve a life paradox.

the only way you will get that is through therapy to heal your mental wounds [talking on forums like this is on the right path to that] and a place of your own or you coud house share if you feel you coudnt live on your own,there may even be group or singular housing in your area for people with mental illness.
woud your local social services be able to get you rehoused? do you think you woud be able to go to your GP to ask for counciling?

[iwonderaboutstuff]

Originally Posted by paradox22

Hey guys so I'm still in this pretty abusive house but was able to separate from my father quite a bit. Am learning as much as I can about the effects of abuse. Am thinking about telling my dad's sister about the abuse. Plan to leave the house in mid December. Something I don't understand is that my dad says he thinks I'm faking my "major flaws." Sounds weird he would think that or that that could be possible, why would someone want to fake that they have flaws? It's dumb. Like he thought I faked that I had an eating disorder but I actually had one. Another thing, my dad gets extremely suspicious when I'm on the phone. He says who are you talking to?? With like a your stupid tone of voice.

Good you're separating from your father quite a bit and that you have a plan. Accelerate it if you can. It's enough to know how he treats you is not acceptable, don't waste energy trying to figure out how he thinks. You need to focus on you

[paradox22]

Originally Posted by StarGazingFish

your dad has obvious issues and it shoud not be up to you to deal with them, you deserve a life paradox.

the only way you will get that is through therapy to heal your mental wounds [talking on forums like this is on the right path to that] and a place of your own or you coud house share if you feel you coudnt live on your own,there may even be group or singular housing in your area for people with mental illness.
woud your local social services be able to get you rehoused? do you think you woud be able to go to your GP to ask for counciling?

I'm going to live with my grandma. I am hoping she can help with my need to be cared for right now.

[paradox22]

Is there any like cool accomplishment I could make to like turn my pain into some great accomplishment or creative thing, I have all this pain I feel like I could make something with like I'm already making a video of my experience. I feel like whatever I do now will just be epic because I'm in so much pain and it would be cool to do something with the pain.

[sammo777]

paradox... you've seen something isn't working in your life, and you've taken steps to fix the issue -- I'd say that was a pretty cool accomplishment, myself!

read the thread, and am glad to hear you're moving on -- another accomplishment, right there... !

how about a journal, or a blog? you can be as wounded or as creative as you like in the blogosphere.

poetry? creative writing? just ideas...

[paradox22]

I'm counting down the days till I leave. My dad is still abusive. I would like to live in a group home but I don't have disability. Living with roommates is too hard for me and living with my grandma isn't an option anymore. And I can't live alone because of money. What should I do?