[rdgrad15]

I've always wondered why some people seem to get annoyed when I decline help from them. If I really needed help, then I would ask or allow someone to help me but if I don't need help, then I feel like it should be respected. Most people don't care but I've had some people say I should be more accepting of help from others after I have politely turned down assistance from others, since it wasn't needed.

It is not that do don't like it when people help, it is just that I don't like it when people help when I clearly don't need any, especially if I told them so. Any reasons on this? I've had people ask if I am afraid to ask for help. It is like, no, I just simply don't alway need help amd will only ask or accept help when needed. Anyone understand why this happens? Just kind of confusing and annoying. I know whether I need help or not and if I need it, then I will ask or accept help.

[eskielover]

Just wonder if the way they read what you writing as a request for help with a situation even though your intent of your writing is not to want help.. sometimes we have to specify that we are venting & dont need of want replies or suggestions for help.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by eskielover

Just wonder if the way they read what you writing as a request for help with a situation even though your intent of your writing is not to want help.. sometimes we have to specify that we are venting & dont need of want replies or suggestions for help.

No I am talking about in real life situations.

[Gus1234U]

i know what you're talking about, rdgrad.
i must seem to appear very inadequate because people are always asking me if i need help. i don't. i need to do it myself.

but, it is a gesture of kindness for them to offer; another of life's little lessons in kindness to others. this time it is OUR turn to be kind, and thankfully decline, with the explanation that "i need to do this myself, Thanks".

[Thunder Bow]

It is a fine line between helping someone and controlling them. Thus some were more interested in having some control over you.

Some people just like to feel superior I think.They feed off of helping those they think are 'less than' them.

I have a friend like that,always telling me what I should or shouldn't do,always trying to do things for me,always trying to jump in and take over.It's getting to the point where I don't even really want to talk to her anymore because even simple things I say,like when I said I needed to buy a new Christmas tree ,she started saying she would go buy one and drop it off to me.It gets annoying,and I am realizing that she thrives on feeling she is superior.

And some people,like my husband,are just people pleasers and derive self esteem by being liked by everyone,want that pat on the back all the time,want to hear how helpful and kind they are,it makes them feel good about themselves.

I am sure there's many other reasons,but those were the first two I thought of.

[Trippin2.0]

I wish someone would ask me if I need help!!!

As annoying as you find it, try not to sweat the small stuff, who knows why these people always offer you help?
Only them, and if you're not up to asking them directly, I would suggest you chalk it up to strange human behaviour and file away that info in your archives...

[Takeshi]

Banal human arrogance.

rdgrad15, will you let us know how you're going to handle these people you speak about after hearing some thoughts on this thread?

I don't think you need to be too kind in response to the person who doesn't take no for an answer.

• An underlying insecurity

• A genuine sense of superiority and grandiosity

• A combination of the two

A person may have gotten good feelings about him or herself from being praised indiscriminately throughout his/her childhood, especially when they were taught to do good things by helping other people. As adults they can only feel close to people who admire and praise them. They are simply not interested in what your explanations might be, because they believe they can help you and crave those deep programmed praise signals from outside of themselves.

So how do we handle these individuals? One could try to be stern and assertive, so not to cater to their needs unless we absolutely have to. You could offer any short answers, they could stay polite as you've been handling it, and maybe you could add 'I need to leave but would be happy to accept the help when I really need it.', you could shake their hands too and get ready to leave, 'I'd be happy to listen to why I need to accept the help that I don't need, but I must leave.'. I hope you get the drift, this is one psychological way to deal with these insecure people.

Humans are weird, I guess.

[MiddayNap]

I've never heard of such a response! The lives of such people must be filled with frustration.
Person A: "Pardon me, but do you need help carrying your bags?"

Person B: "Oh, no, I'm alright, thank you."

Person A: "That *****! How dare she refuse my aid!"

I can imagine it must be unpleasant interacting with such people.

[Takeshi]

I was just kidding on the last post of mine. This is like A&E's hoarders, I'm not sure if these people on tv needed the exact solution that was presented on those episodes I'd watched. Humans are different from person to person, the methodology and the area of expertise varies, IMHO, anyone should be acceptable of considering the help that's offered, sure the gesture sounds like it comes from a kind heart.

Openness may reduce the defensiveness on both parties, the helper and the helpee. This may sound a tad rude but how about letting people know by saying 'I can help myself'? Questioning motives are bad moves, it'd be rude to not hear people out, I think it's emotions and reasonings on the OP's action that counts on this discussion.

You wouldn't wanna explain too much, because not everybody computes the informations the same. We can always be more open to people, you can be acceptable of the helps that you may think you don't need, that's another way of returning kindness, so depending on who you're dealing with, every decision you make needs to be respected.

Kind person(s) has other sides too, nobody's who we think they are, sadness or disappointment are another emotions that may arise in these situations, the social rules and the logical way we think we are operating on are not so clear cut, if someone were operator of this kindness mass manufacturing plant, the whole world we live in get quite exhausting and I'd work on changing that if I could.

The world we live in is so much bigger than each of us, (combined??), your understandings and the rigid rules may need reevaluation from all sides, so you won't get stabbed with kindness. I won't judge too quick but you could get upset too quick, too polite, you may possess the human quality that I may not like very much in you. It's not clear to me whether or not if you declined a kind heart or a kind actions/offers someone presented to you.

Social entrapment, we live in our world, in our own minds all the time, if it gets disrupted with inconceivable thoughts, I think people show emotional attitude. Who would've known that the philosophers of physics were annoying Neil deGrasse Tyson? Along with Stephen Hawking, they've been giving poor excuses for not liking this awesome philosophers aka the true pure thinkers and their contribution to the understandings of the world, the movable nature that we call life.

Conditioned people can be reconditioned by presenting the new conditional YOU.

ETA: I think there's this hype of being a help in this world, 'Did the dying man need help?'. If the man dies, we'll never know. I bet most people insist on saving my life if I were dying, and I detest the notion that it's all what we're supposed to be doing, the help, passing on the responsibility of making the right decision, like deflecting the idea as if that is dismissible so the 'professional' can help, this needs to be criticized a lot more. I'm independent, never wish to be a part of an organized crime. This is like a MS Windows update, here's a new updated version, it'll make you safe and secure, there's this bunch of helpful tips to keep one secure online, their lives depend on the job they do, keep creating this illusion of reality that they try to sell to the public, all in the names of this magical reasonings, we feed it back, that's what we can do. Let us do the evaluation on the help we receive, the less confusing, is that what we want? Complications are like the foundation of what we know, are you willing to help them? Being asked if I'm afraid to ask for help... That's very low opinion, don't you think? My answer would be different, like 'You don't look dependable, that's why I don't ask?'. Being always polite oversanitize the gut, diarrhea follows after that. How can you help me?, I guess this is another good question to ask, ain't nothing wrong with being on a bit cautious side, it's like sales rep being pushy, in this case though, helpful people are not being paid, may be expecting compensations later on, that's what a lot people do in their regular jobs.

Arrogance makes people ignorant and diminishs wisdom. Let the confident voice of help speak for itself.

[Takeshi]

Here's the part three of this saga of helpful post.

If anyone says things like "I'll be there for you if you ever need help", this is nothing new, if someone takes those words and take up on the offer, the deal of helping is complete. Others willing to offer people help may come from the same place, for me if anything that goes over this line would be considered overbearing, the question of 'being afraid' is downright insulting actually. If we were talking about something of really serious nature, it may scare the helper too to come up with really helpful ideas, they should know if those may not work, taking chances on someone, probably this is the fundamental mechanics of 'the help' as I know it.

'I'm not in the market for help today!', I don't know what helps me, or anyone for that matter. It's not too bad to hear people being so helpful, a lot better than being robbed for the helpless state that someone thought you were in. Like I been hinting at, people may not as helpful as anyone might think, it's probably conditional. How much can they really take? Can they drive you home if they were asked? Honest words don't always get a reasonable response, what can we do about that?

I'm a help fundamentalist, anybody's offer of help is mere auxiliary to the true authority that is a self-driven-help, knowing the differences of all things shall pave your ways. So the reasons of the annoyance from the helper may be they are simply annoy-ful people? And you're the target. Laying down the boundaries in any relationships is very important, this commercialization of help related industry screwed us up. It used to be on "need to know" basis but look where we stand now. 'I know, I know.'. What do they really know when they don't even understand simple meaning of NO. They are always onto something. They want to help you, and you can give 'em. See if you can get thanks out of it.

[Takeshi]

So no new post, eh?

You gotta listen to people, nobody likes to be ignored, man. The helper and the helpee both have reasons for the actions, what I'd hate the most is the one trick pony, that's as lame as they come. Is your explanation fair enough, for today, for some random persons, maybe the person didn't even need to help you, maybe it was the secondary reason and you may have missed the sign of some awkward person coming up to you and just say hey. If you turn down great people person with your helpless look/behaviors, that could be about even on the fairness scale, you could easily lose the argument of, what was that? Respect.

In most cases in our daily conversations, we can't be making super-true statements all the time, you'll be betrayed with your own reasonings because it's not flexible enough, non verbal cues have to speak for themselves too. Sticking to one's decision, after decision, you own up to yours and you'd feel better and learn the other end of the conscious brain.

Your politeness includes saying 'Maybe another time', doesn't it? People still might read too much into it so, you do whatever you can with all your intelligence, maybe the smartest things you could do is to book without saying anything, you caused the annoyance, why didn't you do more? "I do have a pepper spray.", This is part of your freedom of speech, you can purchase one and carry it if you wish, but the vagueness in the language might be enough to deter potential criminals disguising as a helper.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by Takeshi

So no new post, eh?

You gotta listen to people, nobody likes to be ignored, man. The helper and the helpee both have reasons for the actions, what I'd hate the most is the one trick pony, that's as lame as they come. Is your explanation fair enough, for today, for some random persons, maybe the person didn't even need to help you, maybe it was the secondary reason and you may have missed the sign of some awkward person coming up to you and just say hey. If you turn down great people person with your helpless look/behaviors, that could be about even on the fairness scale, you could easily lose the argument of, what was that? Respect.

In most cases in our daily conversations, we can't be making super-true statements all the time, you'll be betrayed with your own reasonings because it's not flexible enough, non verbal cues have to speak for themselves too. Sticking to one's decision, after decision, you own up to yours and you'd feel better and learn the other end of the conscious brain.

Your politeness includes saying 'Maybe another time', doesn't it? People still might read too much into it so, you do whatever you can with all your intelligence, maybe the smartest things you could do is to book without saying anything, you caused the annoyance, why didn't you do more? "I do have a pepper spray.", This is part of your freedom of speech, you can purchase one and carry it if you wish, but the vagueness in the language might be enough to deter potential criminals disguising as a helper.

Sorry I didn't reply sooner. I read everything you said though and yeah I do tend to say something similar to "Maybe another time." What I usually say is, "No thank you, I don't need any help." And if necessary, I will add that if I need help at another time then I'll let them know. But I rarely say that in order to prevent them from becoming confused. I just don't like having people thinking I am constantly in need of help when it is not needed.

I am glad people are willing to help out, and there is nothing wrong with asking. But I just feel that if I decline politely, they shouldn't feel offended. It has nothing to do with them, I just don't need assistance at that particular moment. In most cases, this involves carrying things, or lifting things to throw stuff away. I'll give an example I've used before. I think I even mentioned it on another thread somewhere.

A few years ago when I was still in college, I was a part of a worship group and was in charge of hospitality. I set up all the chairs, tables, food, and took it all down when it was time to clean up. Well one particular day, we had a movie night where more people than usual showed up. Everything went well, and eventually it was time to clean up. There was a medium size container which was, at one point, full of popcorn. By the end of the night, there was only a very little left. Mostly just at the very bottom, not too much, and not heavy at all. The container itself wasn't big or bulky.

Since no one else, even myself, didn't want the popcorn, I went to throw it out. When I went to throw it out, two students asked me if I needed help with it. I politely said no thank you and they were just about to leave when the sponsor got mad at me, saying I rejected two people who offered help. I didn't need it so I was confused. The two students helped after that, but it was but they were clearly doing it out of obligation by this point since they were also startled by the outburst from the sponsor. They were both nice so I had nothing against them. I just simply didn't need their assistance and one of them was actually not feeling well that night so I also didn't want the one student to stay any longer than needed. Situations like that confuse me, when I politely decline help and I get yelled at for it. It makes no sense. Don't understand how it can be so offensive.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by Thunder Bow

It is a fine line between helping someone and controlling them. Thus some were more interested in having some control over you.

I agree with you.

[Takeshi]

I'll read it later. I got one more thing to add, this'll sound lame but...

Don't forget to 4 word kindness.

Mine would be like, Human. Kind. In essence.

There are times I do need help desperately but turn it down. I wil get anxious for several reasons. Firstly I am embarrassed I am desitute and in a position of needing help in the first place. Then there is the fact I don't want to be in the position of owing someone something in return. I do find ways within my means to do so but I just feel so 'low' at having to do so. Finally, I find myself upset with the idea that I may be putting someone out - even when that help is offered. My anxiety just gets overwhelming. It is easier I rationalize to turn down the offer of assistance and tough it out myself.