My husband is mean

First of all, I love my husband. We have been married for almost 3 years. We have four daughters (2 are mine and 2 are his) and we have a 1 year old son together. Lately we seem to be fighting a lot and he's getting more mean each time. He cusses at me, calls me names and says hurtful things. After a few days go by, things go back to normal, but he never really says sorry or takes back what he said. He tells me that I'm mean and rude "all the time" but can't give me even one example of how. But he uses that as his excuse for the way he acts.
We got in another fight yesterday and he left for the night. He called me names, and said "f@#$ you" to me several times. I don't know what to do anymore. The only way things get better is if I apologize and take full blame. But I can't keep doing that since I genuinely don't think I did anything wrong. When I tell him that I don't deserve to be talked to like that, he says I deserve what I get. Or he will say I don't deserve anything.
When we aren't fighting, he's an amazing husband and father. When I got pregnant with our son he let me quit my job to stay home with the baby and I love it. If we split up, I'll have to go back to work and raise the baby alone and I don't want to do that, or think I even could at this point. Plus, as I said, I do love him. Very much. But what he is doing is abuse. He doesn't hit me but I don't feel loved when he acts this way. I've tried talking to him and he refuses to talk. I asked if he would go to counseling and he tells me that I'm the only one that needs counseling.

When we aren't fighting, he is really sweet. Constantly telling me he loves me and the kids and misses me when he's gone at work. Compliments me even when I know I look awful, and even opens all doors for me and carries everything and basically is the perfect man. Then, as soon as anything whatsoever happens, he turns into a monster. He is currently not home. He went to his mom's. He tells his mom when we fight. I don't share our problems with anyone because I don't want them to not like him. But he tells his family everything, always making me look bad.
I just want to fix my marriage but i don't know how.

Welcome to psych central

What your husband is doing is abuse,plain and simple. Just because he doesn’t actually hit you doesn’t make it any less abusive. You are falling into the trap of abused women by covering for him and hiding his behavior by not telling anyone.

If he won’t go to counseling and says your the one that needs it....I say go for it. Get counseling. You need it. You need to learn coping mechanisms, how to stand up for yourself, how it not play into his abuse and inadvertently make it worse. If you do nothing and let yourself be exposed to a constant barrage of “You don’t deserve better” you will start to believe it.

Hi momofive,

Welcome to PC.

I am sorry your marriage has become so challenging. I agree you are describing emotional abuse. I think couples counseling would be most helpful; yet, if he won't participate, go to counseling on your own.

I hope you find the information and the support you may be seeking.
Please make yourself at home. Jump in wherever you feel led to do so.

Your first 5 posts are approved by a moderator before they appear. After 5 approved posts, you will also have access to chatrooms and to the Private Messaging (PM) system.

I hope to see you around the forums.

Wild Coyote

Is he battling an addiction of some kind? I ask to not excuse away any of the inexcusable behavior but because it might open up other support outlets for you.

Welcome to PC

I think what he is doing is worse than hitting you. Bruises are at least easy to spot but emotional abuse is hidden. I used to pray for my abusinve husband to hit me so someone would see, step in, and rescue me.

What are you getting out of the relationship that enriches your life?

I suggest you find some help. There are support groups out there. Shelters than can offer support and resources. If you or your husband have an EAP through the workplace call it - it is anonymous even to your spouse. Talk to your doctor. He/she can direct you to resources. These resources can help you manage with the problem; they can also help you make a plan.

One support group you might wish to look into is something called Alanon. While it is primarily for loved ones of those with acohol and other addictions, they have great support for co-dependents of any persuation.

YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS! You are a worthwhile person who should be receiving respect.

I have another concern. It is vitally important that your children not witness this abuse. Your male children (if you have them) will grow up with the mindset that this is how to treat a woman and your girl children will grow up with the idea that this is how they should expect to be treated. Either way, it perpetuates the abuse into the next generation. This is another reason why I urge you to do whatever is within your means to get out of this situation.

No he has no addictions. Unless work counts. Or his cell phone. He's totally addicted to his cell phone.

Thank you for the replies. It just confirmed what i already knew. He has apologized and wants to come back home and i don't know what to tell him. He doesn't even usually apologize. He even admitted that what he's done and said was wrong. (Which was shocking to hear from him) But I feel like if i just give in and let him come home and make up, he will just repeat this behavior. But i do love him and want him home. So i am torn at the moment.
I told him i don't want him to come home. That what he's doing is abuse and basically what all of you have been saying. He agreed with me actually but wants to come home. It's hard to stay mad when he's being nice but i know that if i don't stick to my guns he will just end up doing it again.
And for the record, this isn't something that happens daily or weekly. This is once every few months. He will blow up and talk to me like that. However, he should NEVER speak to me like that and he needs to somehow realize this. I'm going to insist on counseling. And if he won't go, I'll go alone. And if he does this again, I'll just be single. That's just the way it's going to have to be. You guys are right. I don't deserve this and i do deserve better.

He is very immature, and acts out his temper to control you. At what price is he worth to you?

Well he does mean a lot to me. I'd like to fix our problems. I'm not ready to give up on him.

You best put up boundaries then - all of which being deal breakers. There is no maybe here. If you do take him back you need to stand up for yourself and ensure he 100% lives up to your standards and expectations. Never give in because he is a 'nice guy' who continually needs another chance.

The main issue when staying with such partners is that you are teaching your kids that it’s normal. So when they grow up they either seek abisuve partners or are abusive themselves because that’s all they know. At some point you might have to put your children first. Otherwise it’s your choice to stay with abuser or no