[vafhj]

Because I am. For some reason, the part about my traumas I feel bad the most is not the bad things that happened to me per se, but the fact that said traumas opened me up to certain realities.

[Skeezyks]

I don't know as I've ever been angry about it. But I've certainly thought back over my past & wished it could have been different, or wondered why it had to be the way it was.

[vafhj]

I am so obsessed with my past frenemies not because I'm specifically obsessed with what they said, but because in some aspects, reality is on their side. I know that there are some aspects where reality is on my side too, but I'm obsessed with the things that are wrong instead of the things that are right because I'm that kind of person.

[mote.of.soul]

Hi. What did you mean when you said this exactly?

the fact that said traumas opened me up to certain realities.

Certain realities? Just interested in what you mean by that. Certain realities.

[vafhj]

Originally Posted by mote.of.soul

Hi. What did you mean when you said this exactly?


Certain realities? Just interested in what you mean by that. Certain realities.

Things like, how much of a bubble I used to live in when I was a kid. That there is no hiding from reality no matter how many defense mechanisms you develop. And as for my frenemies from 2012-2016, the latter was what exactly they taught me. In order to escape from the traumas that other people before them caused, I developed a mentality that I could do no wrong and everyone who told me otherwise was just a jealous hater. That's exactly the self-delusion they unraveled. Yes, they may have been abusive, but let's face it, I was bound to be disappointed anyway, it just so happened that they were the ones who disappointed me. I may still be angry and I may still be mentally asking them to drink bleach and die, but I'm just taking out my anger against reality on them. It's reality which I want to drink bleach and die, not them.

Originally Posted by vafhj

Things like, how much of a bubble I used to live in when I was a kid. That there is no hiding from reality no matter how many defense mechanisms you develop. And as for my frenemies from 2012-2016, the latter was what exactly they taught me. In order to escape from the traumas that other people before them caused, I developed a mentality that I could do no wrong and everyone who told me otherwise was just a jealous hater. That's exactly the self-delusion they unraveled. Yes, they may have been abusive, but let's face it, I was bound to be disappointed anyway, it just so happened that they were the ones who disappointed me. I may still be angry and I may still be mentally asking them to drink bleach and die, but I'm just taking out my anger against reality on them. It's reality which I want to drink bleach and die, not them.

Then it sounds like grandiosity to me.

I suggest you to stop analyzing yourself. It leads to nowhere (unless you want what we call health anxiety which eventually develops -- my doctor is lying that I do not have amyotrophic lateral sclerosis and I will die in three years --) and seek professional help. I suggest you to first talk to your regular doctor about getting a referral to a psychiatrist. Then once evaluated you can be put on meds or be referred to a psychologist or both.

[mote.of.soul]

@vafhj:

I totally get it, thanks for explaining. Yeah, it reminds me of the idea that a person has to hit a 'rock bottom' of some sort first, before they can start to rise up again. I think that's true in a lot of cases. Was true for me but at this stage I haven't really risen all that far, ha. Mind you it's not over until the 'chubby' lady sings.

Maybe it's all about trying to quell the anger when it arises and not much else - because that's the pain.

I agree with the lonely chemist about too much analyzing. It will be a never ending process and it doesn’t change anything. Your life experiences have surely taught you a lot. Just keep learning and doing your best. None of us can do more than that. Be kind to yourself.

[vafhj]

Admittedly, I wasn't even that arrogant even at my worst. It's more that um, let's just say that my mentality back then could best described as this:

[vafhj]

BTW, I know I've said a lot, but all I really want is the hypothetical situation I thought of 7 years ago to come true. Like, I still believe that in order to recover, I need a social life. Honestly, this dilemma reminds me of some online friend's dilemma. I know she's a lot happier now, but I recall that around this time last year, she used to rant about how she believed that all she wanted was a girlfriend and until then, all the coping mechanisms she had would only relieve her problems somewhat. (I believe her because it seemed like she was unhappy because she didn't have a love life, not that she wanted a love life because she was unhappy. She had been wanting to be in a relationship ever since she was 12, that's why I believe her.) I can't relate fully because I'm not super-duper in a rush to be in a relationship and I feel like lusting after online people is a relatively satisfying substitute, but I'm just saying that I know what I want because I've wanted this for years and that I believe that until I have a solid social life, any coping mechanisms will be just that. You know how ghosts haunt people because they haven't found their closure? I'm just like that.