Does it upset you when someone offers to help you and then not deliver? I feel like that's happened to me a lot. And it's upsetting. I'd rather people not offer anything if I were suffering badly than to offer and not deliver. I would understand being with someone who's loaded with money; and if I needed help then that person never makes an offer. I prefer not to ask for help from anyone and I rarely do. Also I get upset when someone says that they will help but delays for some lame reason. It's not just about money it's other things as well such as; housework, going out somewhere, stuff they have I need that they could give me, etc.

[MickeyCheeky]

This has never happened to me that often or at least i don't remember, but i think i can understand your frustration. i agree that Honesty may be preferable but some people do try to be kind even though they aren't able to deliver as much as they would/should. Try not to judge them too harshly. So Sorry this is happening. For whatever it is worth i am here to listen and even though i can't make any promises i can at least try to get back at you. Hopefully other people will be willing to Help if you just ask. Please do not give up. Stay Safe. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @will19, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

[Mountaindewed]

Yeah I understand what you mean. At first my therapist would be like “call me if you need anything. Even if it’s a weekend I’ll try to get back to you” then that turned into “what do you expect me to do?” Then that eventually turned into no outside contact at all. Also when we first discussed ED’s she said I was stuck with her when I voiced my concern about being transferred to someone else. Then towards the end she mentioned switching me to someone else. I didn’t think that situation had escalated that much more then it did at the start of our sessions.

Then my mom does the same thing sometimes.

It just makes me not trust people. I know in some situations it’s my fault because I’m too needy sometimes and I may unintentionally take advantage of their help. But sometimes people really do just suck.

I try to get a second opinion when that happens to see if it’s me or them. Most people tell me it’s them.

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

Try not to judge them too harshly!

I try to not judge harshly when that happens to me. It's hard not to. I remembered times when I was much younger that I had said "yes" to a favor being asked and knew that I didn't want to do it or could not come through. I guess I was easily intimidated by others when I was younger. When I didn't come through for them, they were nasty and insulted me. I guess it's a natural reaction when it happens.

[mssweatypalms]

I know how that feels. I have a friend who always does that. When I have a problem, I appreciate the fact that he wants to help, but he never does. I don't ask him to help me, so it's sometimes annoying that he promises so many things, big and small. For example, I was frustrated because I gained weight. He'd say he'd help me, send me recipes and check on my progress every week. He never even sent me the recipes. He says so many things like that. I hope he'd just stop.

[eskielover]

I NEVER count on anyone till they actually come through & set a time. I never pay anyone till they complete a job. It is what it is.

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by will19

Does it upset you when someone offers to help you and then not deliver? I feel like that's happened to me a lot. And it's upsetting. I'd rather people not offer anything if I were suffering badly than to offer and not deliver. I would understand being with someone who's loaded with money; and if I needed help then that person never makes an offer. I prefer not to ask for help from anyone and I rarely do. Also I get upset when someone says that they will help but delays for some lame reason. It's not just about money it's other things as well such as; housework, going out somewhere, stuff they have I need that they could give me, etc.

I agree with Eskielover. I don't trust people now until they earn it. And it's hard to do that when people keep letting me down. I've had people say "Let me know if you need anything" but I wonder do they REALLY mean it or just say it cause they think I expect it.

I've also had people claim to be my "safety net" yet later say they don't remember saying it. How convenient, like it lets them off the hook since they don't remember it.

Like you I'd rather they not offer than offer and not mean it. Reminds me of that song by Joe South, The Games People Play.

"Oh the games people play now
Every night and every day now
Never meaning what they say now
Never saying what they mean"

There's a song with that name by The Spinners too but the message in it isn't quite the same. I love both songs though, as they are basically about not being able to connect to people.

Originally Posted by nonightowl

I agree with Eskielover. I don't trust people now until they earn it. And it's hard to do that when people keep letting me down. I've had people say "Let me know if you need anything" but I wonder do they REALLY mean it or just say it cause they think I expect it.

I've also had people claim to be my "safety net" yet later say they don't remember saying it. How convenient, like it lets them off the hook since they don't remember it.

Like you I'd rather they not offer than offer and not mean it. Reminds me of that song by Joe South, The Games People Play.

"Oh the games people play now
Every night and every day now
Never meaning what they say now
Never saying what they mean"

There's a song with that name by The Spinners too but the message in it isn't quite the same. I love both songs though, as they are basically about not being able to connect to people.

Wow, the OP I made was six months ago! I had completely forgot about it. I agree with Eskielover myself and especially about paying someone ahead of time before a job gets done. Some many casual people I know have offered help to me, but I never take them seriously or up on it. I guess with my OP I was thinking more like the very important people in my life; and it seemed like they were dependable before. My sister used to come through on her promises but lately she hasn't. So now I don't take her seriously when she says she's going to do something for me. On the other hand, lately she has told me that she's going to send me something but it may take a good while because she doesn't have any money. She's always saying that.

Another song of "Games People Play" by another group is The Allan Parsons Project. It's different from Joe South and The Spinners (though I like those also). The Allan Parsons Project song is very true to life, unfortunately.

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by will19

Wow, the OP I made was six months ago! I had completely forgot about it. I agree with Eskielover myself and especially about paying someone ahead of time before a job gets done. Some many casual people I know have offered help to me, but I never take them seriously or up on it. I guess with my OP I was thinking more like the very important people in my life; and it seemed like they were dependable before. My sister used to come through on her promises but lately she hasn't. So now I don't take her seriously when she says she's going to do something for me. On the other hand, lately she has told me that she's going to send me something but it may take a good while because she doesn't have any money. She's always saying that.

Another song of "Games People Play" by another group is The Allan Parsons Project. It's different from Joe South and The Spinners (though I like those also). The Allan Parsons Project song is very true to life, unfortunately.

I didn't notice the date; I don't always do that. Hope you don't mind, as sometimes things can still be relevant months or even years later.

Unfortunately such the case is with me. I also think of people I used to be able to depend on and that's changed too.

This pandemic is too much and I search for topics or posts I can relate to. I also have my settings to show threads as old as 6 months!

[RollercoasterLover]

This happened to me earlier this weekend. My mother tells me to ask for her help, she can't read minds. Blah blah blah... I had to drop my car off on Friday night for new brakes on Saturday. I called my mother on Tuesday when I made the appointment, confirmed on Friday morning at 10 am that she would be picking me up at 7 when I dropped off my car and would take me to my house. 7 came and went, 7:10 I called because I was getting cold waiting. No answer, sent a text. 7:15 I made one last phone call.... she took her brother to visit his granddaughter and couldn't make it to give me a ride but next time for sure.

I told her there wouldn't be a next time. I wouldn't be asking for her help because it hurts too much to not receive the help she says she'll give but never does. I splurged on an Uber and called it self care lol.

I think of the old thread getting new life as a sign from the universe to not give up. Someone out there has felt let down in the past and someone else felt it was relevant to their life enough to comment. I'm definitely not as alone in things that happen in life.

[SprinkL3]

I've had a mixture of that happen to me.

I sometimes ask for rides and always fear that they will cancel last-minute, or forget, etc. I try to confirm the night before or even the morning of, but I know that can be too much for some. When they don't answer, I freak out until the time comes when they are scheduled to arrive, and then they just magically appear. All that worrying is on me, but it's hard when I've had so many people let me down in the past.

More times than not, I'm able to communicate well enough to find the right people to help me, and my fears don't come to fruition.

That said, I've sometimes offered to help others but my chronic fatigue syndrome/myalgic encephalomyelitis will get in the way, so I would have to cancel last-minute. My own fears rebounded to the point where I started doing that - bust strictly unintentionally. I had to realize my new limitations with this worsening condition, and so that helped me to ascertain what areas I can help out in and what areas I can't. I try to let people know ahead of time of my struggles, so that they don't depend on me too much, since my physical mobility issues interfere with my being dependable. I used to always be dependable, but I hate that I can't be anymore. I used to enjoy helping people, volunteering, etc. I sadly can't do as much anymore. I fear that I've let some people down, and I know that I have from the few friends I lost because I couldn't hang out with them anymore. I feel bad, but they didn't believe me when I said how I struggled. They saw a very fit, thin woman back then. They didn't see the gray-haired, obese woman of today from the worsening condition they though I lied about. I tried to reach out from time to time, but that's the perils of being homebound and sometimes bedbound from CFS/ME. I can say the same for those who struggle with certain mental disorders, too. It's not as easy as keeping your word when your body and/or mind get sick in one way or another. And then comes the loneliness that inevitably ensues, as well as lost friendships and lost trust. It's frustrating.

So I've been on both sides.

And yet I still struggle with such fears.

Childhood emotional neglect (CEN) makes the feelings all the more compounded.