Anyone know any good jokes?? (please place them here)

A sergeant was trying to get new recruits to consider joining the airborne division. His efforts needed work. " the first week, we separate the men from the boys. The second week, we separate the men from the idiots. The third week, the idiots jump."

When working in the Air Force satellite control center, the department heads would hold regular status meetings. A young officer concluded one meeting by saying, " 20 years ago, we could predict the weather only 3 days in advance. With today's computers, we can do it in 72 hours."

How many guys does it take to make a burger? 5 guys.

Gonna go eat 5 Guys Burger and Fries with my dad

I find Holocaust jokes offensive Anne Frankly I do not care for them

I saw an old man trying to cross a busy road the other day and asked him "Why are you attempting to cross the road here, when there is a zebra crossing thirty yards from here?
The old man replied " I hope he's having more luck than I am.

Q. What's pink and fluffy
A. Pink fluff



Q. What's blue and fluffy
A. Pink fluff holding it's breath

One of my kids jokes lololol

What is invisible and smells like carrots?

Rabbit farts.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

Coz they got big fingers!!!!!!!!!

This one's a Cougars in the Wild joke...

What do you do when you reach a fork in the road?

You stop and wash it.

Because if half of your hiking party goes one way and the other party goes the other way, one of them could get very lost! This has happened on our way home from camping, but it all lead to the same destination thankfully.

Not a joke but a riddle hehehe
11 was a horse 12 was 1 2
11 1 1 race 12 1 1 2 ????

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stomp out fires.

Why do elephants have big feet?
To stomp out flaming ducks.

For all of you who are married, were married, wish you were married or wish you were not married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips, in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried - in vain - to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said: "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:



"Good trade !"

I went to the Vet, I asked "Why has my dog got legs like hockey sticks"

He said "It's a lacrosse-breed"

I was walking down the road this morning, and some guy jumped out from behind a fence. Couldn't see his face, he was wearing a balaclava.. He shouted "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio!" and ran off

After that I decided to take the bus home, and at one stop he jumped on.. He shouted "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio!" and ran off again.

Well I got home, and after a while I looked out of the window, there was that man again! He shouted "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio!" and ran off..

I'd had enough at this point so I called the police and told them I had a stalker. "Can you tell me anything about him?" They said

I replied "He reminds me of Leonardo Di Caprio"

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little child.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.


JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old Reese :
'Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name..
Amen.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy was overheard praying:
'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with you guys.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,
'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little girl replied,
'Because people are sleeping.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson..
'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
' Ryan , you be Jesus !'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.
'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
'Did God throw him back down?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'

In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin. However, Instructions also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the Truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those Teachings:
Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?' ''Of course child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your Robes perhaps?
''I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to Declare from your waist to the floor?'

I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which Is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.
Next please!

You should see some of them on ebay