Anyone know any good jokes?? (please place them here)

Recently I visited a Little Chef diner and ordered an omelette but was told, "Sorry, but omelettes are off. We have none in the freezer and that goes for scrambled eggs which haven't arrived in the post yet." the waiter replied with a deadpan face.

Okay, sorry, but I'm "slow"; can we explain this one?

Sure.

An omelette is traditionally made by beating fresh eggs and panning up all golden and delicious. Not defrosted, as they don't freeze well and taste of nothing. As for the scrambled eggs, the same and should be softly scrambled in a little cream, seasoned, to make them taste utterly delicious.

However, the Little Chef's scrambled eggs that arrive in the post are basically pre-formed kapok. Or taste like it.

The Italian Tomato Garden

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a l...etter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If only you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire area. However, they didn't find any bodies, so they apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Vinnie

An airplane was about to crash. There were 5 passengers on board, but
only 4 parachutes - The 1st passenger said, "I am Kobe Bryant, the best
NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me, and I can't afford to die."
So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Hillary Clinton said, "I am the wife of a former U.S.
President, a NY State Senator and a potential future president. And I am
the smartest woman in American history, so America's people don't want
me to die." She took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.

The 3rd passenger, Ted Kennedy said I am a US Senator, the democratic
party needs me and my liver still has some good years left So he grabbed
the pack next to him and jumped.

The 4th passenger, Billy Graham, said to the 5th passenger, a 10 year
old schoolgirl, "I am old and frail and don't have many years left, and
as a Christian I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last
parachute."

The girl said, "That's okay. There's a parachute left for you. America's
smartest woman took my schoolbag.

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

The barman says "Is this a joke?"


How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?
Wi' jam in! (we're jammin' )

Q. How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A. From a catalogue.

Q. Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
A. He wanted cold hard cash!

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite.

Q. What do you get from a pampered cow?
A. Spoiled milk.

Q. Where do polar bears vote?
A. The North Poll

Q. Where do snowmen keep their money?
A. In snow banks.

Q. Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
A. Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!

Q. What dog keeps the best time?
A. A watch dog.

Q. Why did the tomato turn red?
A. It saw the salad dressing!

Q. What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
A. It let out a little wine!

Q. What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
A. Odor in the court.

Q. What did the water say to the boat?
A. Nothing, it just waved.

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting in a supermarket.
When she went before the judge he asked her, 'What did you steal?'
She replied, 'A can of peaches.'
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge asked her how many peaches were in the can.
She replied that there were six.
The judge said, 'Then I will give you six days in jail.'
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband stood up, and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, 'What is it?'
The husband said, ‘She also stole a can of peas.’

A horse walks into the bar and stands at the counter, barman asks " Why the long face?"

COURT ROOM HUMOUR

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

I'll have to go back and read the rest of these, since I've been away. I don't want to repeat something that's already here. But I'll hazard this one. I especially relate to it because of my name here.

While working as a navy nurse in a military hospital, Anna was required to introduce herself by her rank and full name. She usually introduced herself as Ensign Anna Payne, but one day she rushed into a patient's room and blurted out, "Hi, I'm Ensign Payne."

The patient slowly responded, "I'm in some pain, too."

Last night I laid in bed looking up at the stars and wondered...where'd my roof go?

what does one call a masturbating cow?


beef strokinoff

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for breakfast in the morning. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .'You just happened to catch my eye.'

My favorite (sorry if someone already told it):

Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Want a beer?" Descartes replies, "I think not!"...and vanishes.

Oh, I get it now, Poly. Descartes was the one who said: "I think, therefore I am." Gee, I'm slow today.....

I guess my brain often works at a more immature level, so I get those puns about cows who are engaging in "sex for one" for quickly than these sophisticated ones!

I really do appreciate these joke threads, and I am glad that people contribute.

Some guy goes to a flower shop. He tells the salesman he wants to buy a rose. The salesman stares at him and goes: "Um... sir... are you sure you want ONE rose?". The guy replies "Yep. I'm not a big talker".

David Hasselhoff walks into a bar.

Every morning, and then he stays there till it closes.

Oh, i hope that's not true. As a kid watched every episode of Knight Rider. Love you David Hasselhoff, wherever you are.

A sucessful business man became disenchanted with the stress of the fast life in the big city and decides to chuck it all. He takes his savings and purchases a large ranch in the middle of nowhere in Montana.

After a couple of months of enjoying the solitude he hears the drumming of hoofbeats outside his cabin. Grabbing his rifle he challenges the man riding up on the horse.

"Hold it neighbor" the man says, " I'm your neighbor, I have a ranch only 6 miles from here, and I want to invite you to a Welcome Party I'm throwing for you next Saturday. There's going to be music, dancing, hugging, kissing, drinking, fighting.... We'll have a great time".

Not wanting to be unneighborly the new rancher lowers the rifle and ask's " How should I dress?"

"Aw, don't matter" replied the neighbor, " Only gonna be the two of us".